tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8246138723485615195..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: An Answer For Lucienne DiverAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68289370848319408852008-07-26T13:36:00.000-04:002008-07-26T13:36:00.000-04:00Hysterical read! Thanks everyone!Hysterical read! Thanks everyone!Nayuleskahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08693548526829437580noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4269187752654819302008-07-25T15:23:00.000-04:002008-07-25T15:23:00.000-04:00Wanted: brilliant writer who behaves in a professi...Wanted: brilliant writer who behaves in a professional manner. Must:<BR/><BR/>-write brilliantly, keep the pages turning and keep the reader guessing; originality a plus.<BR/><BR/><I> That's me! My friends all tell me they can't turn the pages fast enough. And original? There only one me. Yeah! </I><BR/><BR/>-hit deadlines<BR/><BR/><I> I always hit things I don't like. </I><BR/><BR/>-communicate with the agent (i.e. let us know if you're going to be late on deadlines or you're thinking of going in a different direction, etc.)<BR/><BR/><I> Does this mean said agent will give me his/her personal email address, cell phone number, home address, and license plate number? Well then, I promise never to leave said agent alone for a minute. We can communicate all the time. </I><BR/><BR/>-know when =not= to communicate, such as airing grievances with the publisher on blogs or websites<BR/><BR/><I>Ah - but grievances doesn't mean the same thing as gossippy complaints. That's totally different. </I><BR/><BR/>-take criticism well<BR/><BR/><I> Well, I won't go bashing a critic's car with a baseball bat. That would be taking criticism badly. I'll take any criticism rather well - no bashing. I'll just pour ten containers of honey into mentioned car's gas tank. </I><BR/><BR/> -know enough about the business to make informed decisions and develop reasonable expectations<BR/><BR/><I> Of course! I know I'm going to be the next JK Rowling. I won't need to write another book, because the first one will sell so smackingly well. </I><BR/><BR/>-be willing to sell promote<BR/><BR/><I> Pfft. What does this agent think I'm doing? If I didn't want her/him to buy my book, I'd keep it at home and read it to gradma.</I><BR/><BR/>-must love dogs (okay, just threw this in to see if you were paying attention)<BR/><BR/><I> Did I mention the book is about a little puppy dog who is enlisted by powerful kitty cats to put on an evil brainwashing collar and go on a long detailed journey with his puppy friends to the other side of the city, fight off derranged wild dogs and wolves who want the collar of power so they can take over the world, and fight off the evil urges that the collar is implanting in his mind, and get over to the skyscraper, go upstairs to the top floor, and flush collar down a toilet in the women's room without anybody noticing him and sending him to a pound?<BR/><BR/>HAH. You were searching for ME, and only me, weren't you. Buy my book. Now. </I>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12740960270910713772008-07-25T02:47:00.000-04:002008-07-25T02:47:00.000-04:00Wanted: brilliant writer who behaves in a professi...Wanted: brilliant writer who behaves in a professional manner.<BR/><BR/>I write, therefore I am brilliant. Define "professional"...<BR/><BR/>Must:<BR/>-write brilliantly, keep the pages turning and keep the reader guessing; originality a plus.<BR/><BR/>I always keep the pages turning, silly; how else am I gonna finish da book? And I'm ALWAYS guessing what's going to happen next... I never have a CLUE. (Was that original enough for you?)<BR/><BR/>-hit deadlines<BR/><BR/>Oh, I back right into them all the time. If that doesn't work, I pull out my trusty sledge hammer %-)<BR/><BR/>-communicate with the agent<BR/><BR/>I am fluent in Bethese and finger-spelling. Biddy-bobidy-BOO! Oh, and I also speak American, English, Cockney, Irish and French. Bon juror, mon sewer 0:)<BR/><BR/>-know when =not= to communicate, such as airing grievances with the publisher on blogs or websites<BR/><BR/>Don't worry. I won't complain about the time that... Oh. Never mind.<BR/><BR/>-take criticism well<BR/><BR/>What are you saying? Are you saying I can't take criticism well? That's just your own opinion. My mom thinks I take it just fine, thank you very much.<BR/><BR/>-know enough about the business to make informed decisions and develop reasonable expectations<BR/><BR/>Of course. And lemme tell you, Lenny ain't pullin' his weight. I say we take him down to the pier and... Oh, you mean PUBLISHING business. Right, right, right; yeah, that's what I meant, too...<BR/><BR/>-be willing to sell promote<BR/><BR/>I'll do it right now: I AM WONDERFUL! BUY MY BOOK! NOW!!!<BR/><BR/>-must love dogs (okay, just threw this in to see if you were paying attention)<BR/><BR/>Cartoon, plush or just on TV?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72844175108493456782008-07-24T17:49:00.000-04:002008-07-24T17:49:00.000-04:00Um have a blog, but the name wouldn't fit on a tee...Um have a blog, but the name wouldn't fit on a tee-shirt unless you shortened it. Not a good title to shorten to an acronym. <BR/>Take it to the Stars. Nough said.<BR/>Must love dogs? I do love dogs I love seeing the south side of a north bound one. Sorry, too many raided my pic-a-nic basket once upon a time ago. Cats are fickle creatures and suit me just fine. Besides you don't own a cat, they own you.<BR/>Easy to work with. Just leave me alone and let me do it my way and I'll leave you alone and let you do your stuff your way. See, easy enough to get along with.<BR/>Money? You mean writers actually make the green stuff. Get out! I thought that was urban legend.<BR/><BR/>Brilliant. Like the sun. Wanna see some?????<BR/><BR/>Do I talk? Gossip? Only around the water-cooler at work where they don't know who you are anyway.D L Jacksonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03005096541408308851noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76741924844471542812008-07-24T16:22:00.000-04:002008-07-24T16:22:00.000-04:00Keep a blog, have a cheesy shirt to buy from cafep...Keep a blog, have a cheesy shirt to buy from cafepress.com. Trademark some line from the novel: "The forces by with you!"(TM). And hire the kid down the street to be your web guru and mow your lawn.....Maybe tour the local bookstores? <BR/><BR/>Or, my fav appraoch, gene-splice your novel with a vampire so that the published piece actually jumps off the shelves and attacks innocent passer-bys forcing them to buy multiple copies of the book. So much easier than marketing. And it helps with world domination plans too! :o)Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7128458592145940002008-07-24T16:10:00.000-04:002008-07-24T16:10:00.000-04:00I like dogs, but I don't love them. Now cats, on t...I like dogs, but I don't <I>love</I> them. Now cats, on the other hand, totally rule. 8^)<BR/><BR/>There are limitations to self-promotion, IMO, based on cost and time. Should I write a book or mail out post cards to friends and family? Hmmm... tough choice. Oh, I know! I'll annoy people I don't know by sending them my totally useless newsletter that's all about ME! 8^) My blood boils every time I get one of those and I keep a list of these authors from whom I'll NEVER buy a book just for annoying the hell out of me. Booksignings are pretty much a waste of time from my experience, unless you're doing a tour (that you fund yourself, of course). Giving away promo crap is just dumb. No one is going to buy your book because you gave them a pen with the name of your book on it. Buzz marketing is the only marketing that actually works (reviews, interviews, viral marketing through the internet, websites, blogs, etc.). Can you tell self-promo is a hot button for me? 8^)Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42648818901564746892008-07-24T15:25:00.000-04:002008-07-24T15:25:00.000-04:00-Brilliant? Haven't you READ my latest epic tome? ...-Brilliant? Haven't you READ my latest epic tome? I don't do anything BUT brilliant.<BR/><BR/>- I hit deadlines all the time. I own a specific deadline-hitting hammer and maul.<BR/><BR/>- Communication? Darling, if you can't understand me it's certainly not MY fault, now is it?<BR/><BR/>- I don't sign non-disclosure forms for a reason. Come on, you're a big agent, you can deal with it. (And did you HEAR about this editor...?)<BR/><BR/>- Critisim? You mean you HATE ME?! *sobs* You witless imbecile! Why can't you understand my genius?! Are you blind? <BR/><BR/>- My expectations are more than reasonable. Ten million up front, a mansion on the sea (and a chateau in Paris), world tour, and of course if it doesn't hit #1 on every best seller list on the release day, I'm suing the publisher.<BR/><BR/>- Sell what? Promotion? I can pose for cameras and the press, naturally. Why are you looking at me like that? Is it my hair?<BR/><BR/>- Dogs? Awww, Mr. Puff the Pomeranian is proof of that. Aren't you, you cutesy widdle boy? Who's mommy's widdle sweetiepie? Awww!<BR/><BR/>So. Where do I sign?<BR/><BR/><BR/>~Merc (tongue firmly in cheek ;))Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48022062351926167972008-07-24T13:08:00.000-04:002008-07-24T13:08:00.000-04:00snickerdoodle/poodle half-breed mutantLOLOL<I>snickerdoodle/poodle half-breed mutant</I><BR/><BR/>LOLOLAuthoresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18102360527211839592008-07-24T12:43:00.000-04:002008-07-24T12:43:00.000-04:00Wanted: brilliant writer who behaves in a professi...<B>Wanted: brilliant writer who behaves in a professional manner. Must:<BR/>-write brilliantly, keep the pages turning and keep the reader guessing; originality a plus.</B><BR/>Of course I write brilliantly! Even my NaNo novel was fabulous! All my sugar-crazed beta-readers thought so!<BR/><BR/><B>-hit deadlines</B><BR/>I was an editor for a college newspaper. I love deadlines with an unhealthy obsession. I've been on the editing side of the fence, I've dealt with writers who don't own calendars. I will not be that guy!<BR/><BR/><B>-communicate with the agent</B><BR/>I'm fluent in English and bad English. I'm passable in Latin, French, Spanish, and Russian (as long as I only have to read something and not actually pronounce any words). I can muddle my way through txt-spk and pig latin. I e-mail, voice mail, and juggle calls like a pro. Let's talk. <BR/><BR/><B>-know when =not= to communicate, such as airing grievances with the publisher on blogs or websites</B><BR/>I can do that. No problems. <BR/><BR/><B>-take criticism well</B><BR/>Please... nothing an agent can say could possibly be worse than being an awkward teenager who liked to read at a big school with a wonderful football team. All I needed was my own theme song and I'd be another tween drama queen. <BR/><BR/><B>-know enough about the business to make informed decisions and develop reasonable expectations</B><BR/>I write, edit, rewrite, revise, beg, plead, market, and smile while you (the agent) handle the legal end and see that any money I'm due winds up here at my bank account. <BR/><BR/><B>-be willing to sell promote</B><BR/>No problem. Have laptop, will travel. (I might bring kids but we'll all survive that too)<BR/><BR/><B>-must love dogs (okay, just threw this in to see if you were paying attention)</B><BR/>I can fake it. I'll even study dog breeds before I meet the editor who can't get enough of her snickerdoodle/poodle half-breed mutant. I'll google and be a pro in 20 minutes flat. No problems!Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.com