tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8292964452924870690..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #21Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84199978550559439482014-03-08T16:57:15.042-05:002014-03-08T16:57:15.042-05:00I think you need to consider the tension in this b...I think you need to consider the tension in this bit.<br /><br />You start with Summer doing something to humiliate her, but you immediately lose the tension by saying that you don't care what Summer says. <br /><br />And then instead of gaining tension back by showing Carter laughing at her or something, you go into a paragraph of internal monologue, because you don't have the nerve to say anything out loud. <br /><br />And then you do say something out loud, but it's not all that witty so you still haven't gotten back the tension you had in the first line.<br /><br />For a beginning of a chapter or novel, you need to start with less tension and make the tension build. You need to drag the forward by making him think he will either find out the answer to some intriguing question if he will just keep reading, or by making him think he's going to see some exciting thing that's coming. <br /><br />You write well, and you have a good voice and I think you can make this opening work if you will paint a scene rather than spending so much time in her head. <br /><br />Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90305571020733487852014-03-08T13:22:53.094-05:002014-03-08T13:22:53.094-05:00I like the first line, but I think perhaps you spe...I like the first line, but I think perhaps you spend too much time in her head after that. It would be nice for us to be present with her right then -- tell us how others react, how Summer looks, what's going on around them, etc. A few brief lines about what she is thinking would be enough.Carolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15131999963255182952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15847607405129846772014-03-08T07:01:20.340-05:002014-03-08T07:01:20.340-05:00To me, the opening is too slow. It took 250 words...To me, the opening is too slow. It took 250 words for her to react to Summer's name calling by saying Thanks for ruining my appetite. <br /><br />Perhaps show the scene. Show Summer actually say that to her, then show us Darcy's reaction. SHow us the reactions of the kids around them. Maybe stick Carter in the scene and show us his reaction. We never do learn if he heard it or not, as is. <br /><br />If bullying is your plot, show us some bullying. If it isn't your plot, open with something that relates to whatever the plot is. Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81684512338073964032014-03-06T02:12:28.424-05:002014-03-06T02:12:28.424-05:00The MC's voice is easy to relate to, especiall...The MC's voice is easy to relate to, especially at that age. We come to care for the character's weakness and timid personality.<br /><br />The beginning line has a story that I feel needed more depth to it. There was something going on here with her dreams being shattered about not being nicknamed and her concern about not being humiliated from Carter. I feel like we needed to know a little bit more about that, because Carter sounded like just an afterthought, something that could have been learned about now or not have been mentioned at all until later.<br />Otherwise, I'm getting that Taylor Swift feel to this character which is good. That song 'Mean' comes to mind as I read this. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04798194712737818268noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83136087632299993972014-03-05T16:28:23.697-05:002014-03-05T16:28:23.697-05:00Has she discussed the Pro Wrestler name with other...Has she discussed the Pro Wrestler name with others? If so, she's not particularly nice. If not, others wouldn't have an opinion on whether she's "too weak or too nice."<br /><br />Your writing flows well, and you've created a sympathetic MC. I'd probably keep reading.Myrna Fosterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13534358757278599925noreply@blogger.com