tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8315806892933615373..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talkin' Heads #10Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84366505035667952102016-10-17T00:57:16.085-04:002016-10-17T00:57:16.085-04:00Hello, I'm here to introduce someone to you al...Hello, I'm here to introduce someone to you all, his name is Dr.Ekpen Temple a spell caster that help me restored my broken relationship, I saw an article on the Internet someone talking about him how he help her in her relationship, today I'm a beneficial of that article, so that is why I'm also talking about how he has helped me so that someone out there that is facing the same challenge can also contact him for help. Here is DR EKPEN TEMPLE contact info: (ekpentemple@gmail.com) or on Whatsapp number 2347050270218.Gloryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11125928389426370946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6433254807914113432016-09-24T12:04:33.235-04:002016-09-24T12:04:33.235-04:00This is an odd mix of Holly sounding too young and...This is an odd mix of Holly sounding too young and too old for YA at the same time. For that reason it didn't quite work for me, but I do like the buildup of emotion.<br /><br />“A family has to have a mother,” she began, “because a mother is what makes it a family -- sounds younger<br /><br />A mother always has a smile for you, even when she’s sad – the last part sounds too old, too knowing<br /><br />In the first paragraph, I would cut "she began"<br />I recommended using a period rather than an exclamation point.<br />H. R. Sinclairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06715450637785127208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85236425570357444322016-09-23T21:52:41.208-04:002016-09-23T21:52:41.208-04:00I love the sentiment in this excerpt. Be careful t...I love the sentiment in this excerpt. Be careful though of getting too wordy. Some of the ideas here are very similar and may sound repetitive, but I can see where you're going with this. I really liked how you closed it with Grace's warning because it's intriguing, like what consequence is Holly in for.Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26099193617894827492016-09-23T17:37:55.225-04:002016-09-23T17:37:55.225-04:00I really loved to read this. Beautiful emotion. gr...I really loved to read this. Beautiful emotion. gripping, even. But not as a YA piece; more like MG. <br /><br />I agree with Jen. The voice is very young for YA. Also, usually in YA, the parents are absent, so asking for her mom is surprising. She does not really sound like a teenager. <br /><br />However, the exchange is very nice with a smooth progression. For MG, this works so well. For YA, this is not, technically, a dialogue; it's a monologue and there is no tension, not resistance from Grace. Why?<br /><br />I'm not sure someone would say all these things that way. It's very ornamented. I suggest you change the phrasing to make the voice more naturally mature and less dramatic.<br />..."because a mother is what makes it a family. She makes bad things bearable. A mother always has a smile for you, even when she’s sad, and she tells you everything is going to be all right, even when she isn’t certain it will be.”<br /><br />This passage could sound something like, "Don't you have a mother, silly? I don't want to chose my dress for prom. I don't want to go to the gynecologist with Dad anymore. I want to be one of the kids in my class who complain about their mom nonstop. Moms do that. They make a family."<br />Okay so my example might be really silly and so completely different from the voice you're aiming for, but that's more like a teenager voice.<br /><br />As Jen says, I would focus on what Holly misses the most in her mom, personally. Even if it's silly, something precise, something personal, not generic that everyone should assume. Something unique.<br /><br />But really nice writing. Love. <br />Good luck<br />Sussuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10060179011416062341noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26650791263914608612016-09-22T16:28:39.286-04:002016-09-22T16:28:39.286-04:00Wow, there is a lot of emotion here! Nice job!
Ho...Wow, there is a lot of emotion here! Nice job!<br /><br />However, I didn't realize this was YA until I went back and looked. But, since it is fantasy and not contemporary, the more mature sounding voice might work. You might consider shortening it and focus on what Holly misses the most about not having her mother.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10431235733322139548noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73845202792354871622016-09-22T14:45:49.105-04:002016-09-22T14:45:49.105-04:00for some reason, my comment showed up twice, as di...for some reason, my comment showed up twice, as did the person's before mine!Wendy Phttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02364656751478026690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66721215897129759482016-09-22T14:45:38.663-04:002016-09-22T14:45:38.663-04:00for some reason, my comment showed up twice, as di...for some reason, my comment showed up twice, as did the person's before mine!Wendy Phttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02364656751478026690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58812081052297787462016-09-22T13:47:00.732-04:002016-09-22T13:47:00.732-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Wendy Phttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02364656751478026690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86240321191969757842016-09-22T13:46:30.464-04:002016-09-22T13:46:30.464-04:00Very sweet. Holly's three paragraphs of expla...Very sweet. Holly's three paragraphs of explanation seem a bit long to me - could they be shortened a bit? Remove "a mother is what makes it a family," for example, and remove "-and she never stops loving you, because a mother's love is" (and consolidate the stuff that comes before and after these bits into a new sentence).Wendy Phttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02364656751478026690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6779938822174252132016-09-22T13:25:33.168-04:002016-09-22T13:25:33.168-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.wrekehavochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14726026340938927236noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86657228391224577642016-09-22T13:25:10.590-04:002016-09-22T13:25:10.590-04:00I like the build up here from being sad to tears t...I like the build up here from being sad to tears trickling to full-out sobbing. I'm wondering how old Holly is. The voice/language in the dialogue sounds more mature (to my ear) than a teen's voice. While nicely written, the dialogue in this passage doesn't sound like it emanates from a teen to me, unless perhaps it is a teen from a long-ago era (which it might be, in which case, ignore me :) I like: “I hope you realize what you’re wishing for, Holly” Grace said. wrekehavochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14726026340938927236noreply@blogger.com