tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8336000122991252426..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #16Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34817497494343712732012-03-09T12:01:43.553-05:002012-03-09T12:01:43.553-05:00I was really sucked in by the guy--but not so much...I was really sucked in by the guy--but not so much the MC. I got voice, but it's slightly disembodied because I know next to nothing about her (him?)<br /><br />You need an edit. I saw some major syntax and punctuation problems. <br /><br />I was a little turned off by what seemed like description dumps of the guy and Olive. And I couldn't translate "Olive has experience with my intricacies. Self-preservation is strong with her" into useful intel.<br /><br />But I loved that the MC is both annoyed by and attracted to the very mysterious guy no one else notices. I think some tightening, a little less eye action, and weaving descriptions in a little more subtly will really bring out the intrigue of the story.Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88022398312524206252012-03-08T20:51:43.571-05:002012-03-08T20:51:43.571-05:00I love the opening when it says how galling it was...I love the opening when it says how galling it was that people moved out of his way - love that.<br /><br />I would agree with slimming down some of the the decription in the opening scene. I am also very curious about this guy and wonder how he'll fit into all this. :)<br /><br />I'd read on as well to find out.KAFEnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31824180783613547052012-03-08T15:19:21.154-05:002012-03-08T15:19:21.154-05:00I like the voice and the intrigue here, though I w...I like the voice and the intrigue here, though I was a little thrown by how formal and stilted the dialogue is. Still, I find this mystery man very interesting, and I would keep reading.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87589282011091876942012-03-08T02:45:55.141-05:002012-03-08T02:45:55.141-05:00I like your voice. And you left off in a place tha...I like your voice. And you left off in a place that really piqued my interest. I, too, would have liked to know more about your protagonist by this time though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65031597004090092962012-03-07T14:48:24.622-05:002012-03-07T14:48:24.622-05:00I thought your descriptions were a bit wordy. We l...I thought your descriptions were a bit wordy. We learned a lot about this mystery man, and Olive, but not much about your protagonist. Interesting hook though, I'd read on!A Little Pushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081183739979996879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47852920726088106782012-03-07T11:17:08.353-05:002012-03-07T11:17:08.353-05:00I love this opener. You do such a great job with s...I love this opener. You do such a great job with showing us the characters, the setting, and that your MC is the only person who can see this mysterious man.<br /><br />The only part that made me pause was "Olive has experience with my intricacies. Self-preservation is strong with her."<br /><br />I suspect this will mean something later, but at this point it confused me and I couldn't associate it with the rest of the narrative. I wonder if there's another way to be more subtle about conveying this.<br /><br />Otherwise, fantastic hook, and best of luck to you ^_^Loralie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07134452749240292803noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59515679296955312012-03-07T11:16:38.907-05:002012-03-07T11:16:38.907-05:00oooh i like this, just take out some of the lookin...oooh i like this, just take out some of the looking and gesturing and you're there!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com