tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8412461255856786418..comments2024-03-18T12:01:18.507-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent #6Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-92031949746798585252012-04-13T16:34:23.783-04:002012-04-13T16:34:23.783-04:00Thank youI You've made my day.Thank youI You've made my day.Franziskahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04969060327273110157noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6829715292878422062012-04-13T00:28:24.774-04:002012-04-13T00:28:24.774-04:00I agree with Heather about introducing all the dif...I agree with Heather about introducing all the different prototypes more organically. <br /><br />That would allow for room to tell us what the character dared to do with those tempting sneakers! <br /><br />Great beginning and fantastic voice.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88413319853053616742012-04-12T17:46:06.141-04:002012-04-12T17:46:06.141-04:00This didn't work for me. Nothing happened. P...This didn't work for me. Nothing happened. Perhaps instead of telling us all about Mom's sneakers, tell us what your MC actually did with, or to them. What's the problem?<br /><br />The stuff about the sneakers is fun, but perhaps save it for later and maybe get it in a little at a time.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13361917322912961662012-04-12T15:53:39.366-04:002012-04-12T15:53:39.366-04:00Hilarious! Great MG voice, and ditto what other c...Hilarious! Great MG voice, and ditto what other commenters said about the various sneaker descriptions. I'm confident you'll find a way to streamline those descriptions without all the ( ). The title might be streamlined too, maybe: "BOUNCE!"<br /><br />Best wishes with this.Sarah Floydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11202671048418865629noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9292101430949630592012-04-12T10:37:13.376-04:002012-04-12T10:37:13.376-04:00Great MG voice. Would like to know MC name/gender....Great MG voice. Would like to know MC name/gender. Was confused by use of 'mum' and 'sneakers'. Brits call them 'trainers' so that took me out of it a bit. Like the bit about not hiding in the fridge.<br />Agreement w/the others - cut out the info dump and give us more about the MC.<br />Would be a fun read.Mary Vettelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16095755720390348707noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87481307535083667512012-04-12T00:14:23.561-04:002012-04-12T00:14:23.561-04:00Dear Franziska :) I like your struggle with the vo...Dear Franziska :) I like your struggle with the voice and understand the frustration. I did not mean to imply that the colors were uniquely ameerican - as you said, they are on the British, French, and Russian flags actually - but the saying of the colors as in 'red white and blue" is American. However, I salute you in trying to find a balance between these things. I was born in the UK but came to the US as a middle-schooler so I am well aware of the unique linguistic challenges. Thank God I was in high school before my classmates figured out what wanker meant. I said it with impunity for years until they caught on. Blast the internet! Good luck.Happy Dolphinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65227755204908327332012-04-11T22:40:41.050-04:002012-04-11T22:40:41.050-04:00Really enjoyed you first couple of paragraphs-funn...Really enjoyed you first couple of paragraphs-funny and orginal. I'd zero in more on who your MC is rather then go into descriptions of shoes. Good luck.shelleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41677560090452715642012-04-11T21:17:25.712-04:002012-04-11T21:17:25.712-04:00Cute! I love that hiding in the fridge had gotten ...Cute! I love that hiding in the fridge had gotten to be such a problem that it needed a special rule. I love zany families. <br /><br />And Wall-Walkers? That's just cool. <br /><br />I would read on.Melissa Jacksonhttp://melissa-jackson.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52754496126887364782012-04-11T20:25:14.531-04:002012-04-11T20:25:14.531-04:00Thanks, Happy Dolphin. The MC lives in London and ...Thanks, Happy Dolphin. The MC lives in London and is British but I'm writing it for a US audience - it's very tricky to find the balance between making her come across as English while avoiding it being confusing because of using the 'wrong' terms. I did have trainers in there originally but it didn't make sense to US-based readers, hence the sneakers. Maybe I'll have to work around these words somehow.<br /><br />But red, white and blue? Quintessentially British too! Our flags share the same colours.Franziskahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04969060327273110157noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87379553662105602142012-04-11T19:58:36.472-04:002012-04-11T19:58:36.472-04:00I liked everything about this and I'm sure the...I liked everything about this and I'm sure the target age group would also. I think the voice slips from time to time only in that I get a UK feel with 'mum' and 'posh' etc but that is undercut with sneakers (american) when I think Brits might more naturally call them 'trainers'. then you would have football for soccer etc...so I think you need to make certain of your roots of the MC before that mixing. And red white and blue is of course quintessentially american. Otherwise, sounds really fun and a great start. JUst lets decide which side of the pond we are on.Happy Dolphinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7734865048697799262012-04-11T19:45:04.472-04:002012-04-11T19:45:04.472-04:00Thank you all! Delighted you enjoyed it.
And Heat...Thank you all! Delighted you enjoyed it.<br /><br />And Heather, thanks for that suggestion. Love it.Franziskahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04969060327273110157noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19777488044018084732012-04-11T18:20:27.596-04:002012-04-11T18:20:27.596-04:00Yes it is hooky.
I really liked your first three ...Yes it is hooky.<br /><br />I really liked your first three paragraph and like others found your last paragraph too much like an info-dump. It sounds like your MC is about to use said prototype sneakers, and I'd want to see the result.Mia K Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10559392161390047500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69099152294057192702012-04-11T16:53:38.292-04:002012-04-11T16:53:38.292-04:00What a great beginning! You have a great middle g...What a great beginning! You have a great middle grade voice.jillheidnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49033676410360607602012-04-11T15:56:28.531-04:002012-04-11T15:56:28.531-04:00This was pretty cute. I liked the "sneakers w...This was pretty cute. I liked the "sneakers were exceptional" logic. <br /><br />While I found the discussion of sneakers interesting, it was very dumpy and took me away from the current issue. If you could find a way to work a couple in more organically, like maybe:<br /><br />"... the sneakers were exceptional. It made perfect sense. At the time.<br /><br />They weren't the running sneakers with the motorized fans in front and back or the basketball sneakers with the layer of bubbly liquid. No, they were Wall-Walkers..."Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31843005211316744232012-04-11T15:51:27.720-04:002012-04-11T15:51:27.720-04:00Funny and sets us up for a whole slew of interesti...Funny and sets us up for a whole slew of interesting hijinx to come. I'd read on for sure. I reckon middle graders would too. <br /><br />For the purpose of this page it might be more effective to end with the second paragraph and switch paragraph three and four around (with some minor modifications). Then you leave on a laugh line.Jonahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02578427775402839675noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3592284261868138742012-04-11T15:28:22.586-04:002012-04-11T15:28:22.586-04:00I was drawn in! Maybe you could cut one or two of ...I was drawn in! Maybe you could cut one or two of the sneakers you mention at the end, but other than that, I have no other suggestions to make this better.Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30606199480768689972012-04-11T15:23:06.730-04:002012-04-11T15:23:06.730-04:00Love this. I agree you could tighten it up a bit, ...Love this. I agree you could tighten it up a bit, but the voice is so much fun! Definitely hooked!Mariekehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16383960692054256957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71051770240820737132012-04-11T14:32:07.933-04:002012-04-11T14:32:07.933-04:00Yes.
What an amazing first page. I'd like to ...Yes.<br /><br />What an amazing first page. I'd like to know MC's name, somehow, and all the sneaker names slowed me up as well.<br /><br />Your voice is strong, and clear.<br /><br />Good Luck!Paula Millhousehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07758689597349294396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78336808065174004322012-04-11T12:38:08.971-04:002012-04-11T12:38:08.971-04:00I very much agree with the previous comment - this...I very much agree with the previous comment - this is wonderful and original and I love the opening paragraphs. But the descriptions of all the different sneakers slows us down and feels too much like an info-dump (even though it's really fun to hear about them all). But I suspect there's room to hear more about the different types later.<br />Good luck! Dana (#41)Danahttp://www.danaalisonlevy.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23447692643845059712012-04-11T11:44:16.521-04:002012-04-11T11:44:16.521-04:00I absolutely love your first paragraph -- especial...I absolutely love your first paragraph -- especially the don't hide in the fridge bit. It starts us off with great voice, a good sense of the family, and it's funny!<br /><br />After that, I really liked everything I read, but I wonder if maybe you could bump some of the sneaker description backstory back so you can get us grounded in a scene, too. It's not necessary, but it might make it even stronger.Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59697014755817823382012-04-11T11:08:13.781-04:002012-04-11T11:08:13.781-04:00I really really liked this. It was clever, funny a...I really really liked this. It was clever, funny and has a great MG feel to it.<br /><br />The only thing i'm not sure about it the title. It seems a bit clunky to me. But that's just me looking for something to say since i smiled the whole time i was reading thisSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.com