tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8579497327642056268..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #28Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49916417816554740672011-02-03T17:20:24.374-05:002011-02-03T17:20:24.374-05:00I didn't get any creepy vibes, but I did want ...I didn't get any creepy vibes, but I did want more of a build-up. We're in her POV, but everything we get here is him. I wanted a bit more of what she was feeling/thinking about the situation. What made her kiss him just then, that's what I think is missing.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33851884614829373062011-02-03T15:33:28.219-05:002011-02-03T15:33:28.219-05:00Overall, this isn’t bad. You do have a lot of pass...Overall, this isn’t bad. You do have a lot of passive sentences that could be reworked to deliver more of a punch, though.Chris P.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91960145282887510752011-02-03T12:06:44.113-05:002011-02-03T12:06:44.113-05:00Not super-hooked by the premise, but I liked this ...Not super-hooked by the premise, but I liked this scene. <br /><br />He didn't seem creepy to me.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61877614875396368442011-02-02T16:59:56.228-05:002011-02-02T16:59:56.228-05:00Congrats. I got tingles. I agree with the vamping ...Congrats. I got tingles. I agree with the vamping up of paragraph one, but I liked this. :DAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72623908385254026432011-02-02T13:54:40.027-05:002011-02-02T13:54:40.027-05:00I think the creepy feeling, for me, is stemming fr...I think the creepy feeling, for me, is stemming from the fact that he seems to be coming on very strong. Regardless if they're past lovers, I do like to see more of a build up than, "We've done this before. You don't remember, I'm not really going to give you time to adjust, so here's a declaration."<br /><br />I'd really like to see his statement shortened. Right now it feels a bit like infodump, especially right in the middle of what's supposed to be a romantic scene.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08431419120916907517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3344252349869371452011-02-02T13:22:17.834-05:002011-02-02T13:22:17.834-05:00I liked the tension.
I also think the first para...I liked the tension. <br /><br />I also think the first paragraph can use a bit more.Michael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79176194994832762402011-02-02T13:03:52.654-05:002011-02-02T13:03:52.654-05:00I liked the tension.
I also think the first para...I liked the tension. <br /><br />I also think the first paragraph can use a bit more.Michael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43671832289498131152011-02-02T12:42:55.422-05:002011-02-02T12:42:55.422-05:00I didn't get creepy from him, more determined ...I didn't get creepy from him, more determined I suppose. I agree with Kaurelius about softening up the first para a bit.Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00018322408296417739noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20227667775939854182011-02-02T12:38:30.557-05:002011-02-02T12:38:30.557-05:00I like "The memories didn't come, but I w...I like "The memories didn't come, but I was lost nonetheless."<br /><br />I like the push-pull of her not wanting to believe, but kissing him anyway.Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03263043246347529228noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25015406066014932652011-02-02T12:30:38.452-05:002011-02-02T12:30:38.452-05:00I really liked that she took the risk to lean in a...I really liked that she took the risk to lean in and kiss him.Debra Anastasiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05496990581114757142noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81258828074041211502011-02-02T11:50:22.621-05:002011-02-02T11:50:22.621-05:00So, Chrys is not a vampire, but keeps reincarnatin...So, Chrys is not a vampire, but keeps reincarnating and Marcus is always able to find her. Interesting. <br /><br />I think if you reword Marcus's comments in the positive it will be less confusing. All in all I liked it though, and didn't really think it was creepy.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45800944373061821732011-02-02T11:31:09.395-05:002011-02-02T11:31:09.395-05:00I think just a softening of the first paragraph, p...I think just a softening of the first paragraph, perhaps more details of his eyes would ease the intensity of his words and draw us in a little more.<br />I like their names!kaureliusnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85469512339017088172011-02-02T11:06:07.438-05:002011-02-02T11:06:07.438-05:00I kind of agree with Keren in that it's hard t...I kind of agree with Keren in that it's hard to get a good feel for the characters based on this small excerpt so Marcus comes over a little creepy, but I really like the last paragraph. You did a nice job of showing the feelings of a first kiss.Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55723564916766235572011-02-02T10:49:51.048-05:002011-02-02T10:49:51.048-05:00He comes over as a little bit creepy to be honest....He comes over as a little bit creepy to be honest..and 'Give me a couple days before you doubt the depth and sincerity of my love for you' was a bit confusing - should 'doubt' be 'trust' maybe? But then I'm not a big fan of past life connections, rather too convenient for predatory male characters, I feel.Keren Davidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13121027210783177857noreply@blogger.com