tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post878659350313836209..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: July Secret Agent #24Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78505888364384093242010-07-18T00:00:14.439-04:002010-07-18T00:00:14.439-04:00I liked this, but the greyhound thing threw me for...I liked this, but the greyhound thing threw me for a minute. I thought that he might have been moving or something until I read on. Maybe explain where they are going before the greyhound thing? Good job though!Sarah MacCallumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80700258322196744312010-07-16T13:45:27.022-04:002010-07-16T13:45:27.022-04:00I think this sounds just like MG, but I had a coup...I think this sounds just like MG, but I had a couple of questions in this short snippet.<br /><br />Are they going to school or to a science fair? I just didn't know kids rode Greyhounds for a daily ride to school.<br /><br />Also, I thought his kid brother actually disappeared. <br /><br />Overall, though, I like this, and so far it sounds like it might be a very fun read.Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67434499344472272092010-07-15T14:43:15.310-04:002010-07-15T14:43:15.310-04:00This is nicely written. Very easy to read! Would d...This is nicely written. Very easy to read! Would definitely take a look at more!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12797052000439209992010-07-15T14:12:42.983-04:002010-07-15T14:12:42.983-04:00You did a great job at flashing out the relationsh...You did a great job at flashing out the relationship between the brothers. Maybe change the past progressive 'was standing' to past simple. I'd read on for a little longer to find out what happens.Jayde Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07567870209914960701noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63777751857423854992010-07-15T13:33:35.897-04:002010-07-15T13:33:35.897-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Jayde Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07567870209914960701noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78494548716727605782010-07-15T01:39:35.475-04:002010-07-15T01:39:35.475-04:00The first three paragraphs dragged on and on, and ...The first three paragraphs dragged on and on, and I struggled to keep reading because I don't want to read about traffic instead of getting right to the action. The voice didn't sound right for MG either. Drew sounded annoyed to the extent where he seemed arrogant and that makes him unlikeable. The problem at the end isn't a big one that would make me want to keep reading. The writing could be a bit tighter. I wasn't hooked, sorry.CassidyMillsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89092443593078621062010-07-14T22:58:55.792-04:002010-07-14T22:58:55.792-04:00Nice voice and great job hooking me in 250 words. ...Nice voice and great job hooking me in 250 words. Love "parasite." I agree about the greyhound bus (if they're taking a that bus because it's a long trip to the science fair or something, you may need to be more explicit.) I also agree about the disappearing part. Maybe, "Alex headed to the bathroom," or something like that.<br /><br />Best of luck!Vicki Schultzhttp://www.vickischultz.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42418293476794687632010-07-14T22:21:26.683-04:002010-07-14T22:21:26.683-04:00I like the voice, it sounds right on with MG to me...I like the voice, it sounds right on with MG to me. I also wondered about the Greyhound bus, though. <br /><br />For the disappeared part, I did not realize that Alex was leaving his seat. For some reason I thought he was disppearing under a blanket to go to sleep or something. So then I got confused when Alex was standing over Drew. Maybe more detail about Alex leaving (where is he going, for a walk, bathroom) would clear that part up. <br /><br />I would definitely read on to find out what's in that bag too.<br /><br />Great job!bleebnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15611501356514668652010-07-14T21:14:16.982-04:002010-07-14T21:14:16.982-04:00I think it's possible that I just read WAY too...I think it's possible that I just read WAY too much paranormal, but in the third paragraph when it says "He nodded in his brother's direction, and Alex disappeared" I totally thought that Alex had just flat out vanished. I wonder if there is a way to be a little more descriptive so that people like myself wouldn't get the wrong idea. :)Penelope Wrightnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33772872919105477732010-07-14T19:45:45.152-04:002010-07-14T19:45:45.152-04:00I thought the dialogue was great and it made me wa...I thought the dialogue was great and it made me want to read on to see what happened next.<br /><br />I had a couple of problems with the first paragraph. The second and third sentence have the same structure. Perhaps, rework them so they don't both have the word "as" as a connector. Also if he reads the green sign and we are in Drews head, then I'd like to know what it said. I'm assuming the sign is important since it's in the first paragraph of the story.Trish Esdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02049667128434033805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6273556165041361752010-07-14T19:08:32.556-04:002010-07-14T19:08:32.556-04:00Nice, clean writing, and you caught my attention s...Nice, clean writing, and you caught my attention several times with 'parasite' and "GPS and programming mechanics." It said this was a bit more than a pesky little brother.<br /><br />I was a bit disappointed in the ending. I expected a bigger problem. But considering his brother seems to be a genius or prodigy of some kind, I'm guessing there are more than school books in his bag, so I'd read more. <br /><br />It does seem to have an 'average,' and 'ordinary' tone to it, so you may want to spice it up a bit if you can.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5474229461755212372010-07-14T13:48:59.286-04:002010-07-14T13:48:59.286-04:00Great description -- I got a clear picture in my h...Great description -- I got a clear picture in my head of what was happening. <br /><br />One question -- do kids go to school on Greyhound buses? <br /><br />-WriterTAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50317048869923097572010-07-14T13:40:06.868-04:002010-07-14T13:40:06.868-04:00Good voice, nice characterizations (love "par...Good voice, nice characterizations (love "parasite") and great setting detail. You get a lot in in these 250 words, including a crisis. <br /><br />I'm thinking this is upper MG from the MC. If so, the voice is just right, imo. Only word that I thought might be too adult sounding was "prattle." Otherwise, no negatives (except wondering what the last word is in the title :)<br /><br />Best wishes!Michelle L. Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144191129362767115noreply@blogger.com