tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8860144909249009045..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 27 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48806885960142730302010-01-14T21:35:35.192-05:002010-01-14T21:35:35.192-05:00Not hooked. I'm adopted, actually, and though ...Not hooked. I'm adopted, actually, and though I've heard adopted kids often feel this way, I never did. So it's hard for me to relate.<br /><br />I can't help but wonder if it would be more interesting for Jasmine to feel guilty about the fact that she doesn't wonder more about her birth parents, and then have that feeling drive the narrative somehow. But that's just me thinking out loud - it probably wouldn't fit into your story. Anyhow, good luck with this.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5889767184364549332010-01-14T16:27:53.409-05:002010-01-14T16:27:53.409-05:00I really liked this. Loved the imagery (sweet scen...I really liked this. Loved the imagery (sweet scent of roses, sun streaming into the window, etc.). I felt connected with the MC right away.JALeakenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41779170324345541792010-01-14T09:32:33.895-05:002010-01-14T09:32:33.895-05:00I like your descriptions and I'm compelled to ...I like your descriptions and I'm compelled to dislike her adoptive mother for some reason. The mention of moms and dads had me a little confused, as I wasn't sure who Jasmine was referring to. A little cleaning up, I think, and this would be a good beginning! I'd keep reading.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10166307043924135132010-01-13T20:05:30.869-05:002010-01-13T20:05:30.869-05:00Nice imagery with the rainbow & sunlight. I...Nice imagery with the rainbow & sunlight. I'd love to see how this scene develops into a fantasy story--so many places you could go (who are those "real" parents? why was she left at an orphanage? ooh, the possibilities!) Even though teens are notoriously hormonal, her moods shift a bit too quickly, esp. with no real catalyst.Maryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03402266791214015301noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26539358606521881342010-01-13T19:28:20.721-05:002010-01-13T19:28:20.721-05:00Great job with the sensory details. A lot of nice...Great job with the sensory details. A lot of nice, vivid descriptions there. <br /><br />Her emotions didn't come off as consistent, one minute not wanting to hurt her adoptive parents, and the next being mean to her adoptive mom. I felt she should have been one way or the other.<br /><br />And I wanted to see the fantasy aspect, or a hint of what might come. If I didn't see the genre listed with the title, I would imagine this was a story about finding birth parents and all that entails. And maybe it is, just with a fantasy element added. But I did want to see that element.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14501132182710265406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10261283146596590132010-01-13T18:49:08.102-05:002010-01-13T18:49:08.102-05:00I would have enjoyed the scene more if I had know ...I would have enjoyed the scene more if I had know she was in the kitchen with her mother before she said the first line of dialogue. <br /><br />I like the details of what they are doing and the smells.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68584420554494787902010-01-13T18:04:27.187-05:002010-01-13T18:04:27.187-05:00I also found mentioning the two different moms and...I also found mentioning the two different moms and dads a little confusing. Your premise sounds interesting, but I feel like I'm not getting enough of the story from this first page. Maybe you could give a hint of the fantastical early on to give the reader a sense of what's to come.<br /><br />I really enjoyed the different senses you evoked in the paragraph starting with the scent of the roses.Katie L. Carrollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13261567983919353142noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18546107931515825682010-01-13T18:04:08.462-05:002010-01-13T18:04:08.462-05:00Jasmine sounds very confused - which you are effec...Jasmine sounds very confused - which you are effectively conveying if that's your intent. The problem is, I've found, editors and agents don't like that much.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65647005289926839382010-01-13T15:32:22.829-05:002010-01-13T15:32:22.829-05:00The first paragraph caught my interest, but I didn...The first paragraph caught my interest, but I didn't get a clear sense of the character in the rest of the sample.Sherrie Petersenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11670339498152684137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68851768818867193332010-01-13T13:12:08.779-05:002010-01-13T13:12:08.779-05:00This looks interesting. I'd keep reading, I...This looks interesting. I'd keep reading, I'd like to know how being adopted from China fits into a Middle grade fantasy.Amynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12301447704468810102010-01-13T12:09:13.014-05:002010-01-13T12:09:13.014-05:00The MC's motivation feels uneven to me--at fir...The MC's motivation feels uneven to me--at first she is apologetic and hesitant to offend her adopted mother; at the end she is lashing out at her. Also, the mentions of the different moms and dads are hard to keep track of. Is this the point where your story starts or can you begin with pivotal action and work some of this in as backstory?Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.com