tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8944761798893364997..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: 13 Talkin' HeadsAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32586557943295564132010-02-27T14:08:35.292-05:002010-02-27T14:08:35.292-05:00Excellent! I cringe for Ella!
Cut the moan, but I...Excellent! I cringe for Ella!<br />Cut the moan, but I like putting in something like an excited squeal or something. It opens up the possibility of her being jealous of Avery, or angry at her for getting his attention, and then for shouting like that and revealing everything. (She is obviously plastered, I got that right away. Still, I could, see Ella unreasonably blaming her for a while.)<br />I agree about cutting the 'make-up' part, unless she's wearing a LOT of make up. I'm a guy, and I never notice that. At least not enough to mention it.Shehapnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45511402558019988792010-02-24T23:17:08.489-05:002010-02-24T23:17:08.489-05:00This is cute. I'm another one who didn't c...This is cute. I'm another one who didn't care for the moan. I also think there's a disconnect between nervousness/embarassment and the warm and fuzzy reference near the end.<br /><br />But I really like this, and the dialogue is great!Christinenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47327765583486413782010-02-24T20:45:30.390-05:002010-02-24T20:45:30.390-05:00Avery comes through the clearest in this scene-- s...Avery comes through the clearest in this scene-- she sounds drunk and incredibly exuberant. Like she's having a great night. It works well for her characterization!<br /><br />Jack's final dialogue bit could probably be tightened. I'm not sure we need the repetition of the name, Susan. I can definitely tell that Jack is proud of himself for jerking her around a little bit, but I think we need more from Ella!Amalia Dillinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13005039978668326144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60713655337573443812010-02-24T17:18:08.633-05:002010-02-24T17:18:08.633-05:00I didn't think the dialogue did the job. Like...I didn't think the dialogue did the job. Like someone else, I got that she was more irritated with Avery, than embarrassed. And I didn't get a sense of how Jack was speaking. Was he angry? Was he being playful (that's what you said, but it didn't come across for me) Is he being snide? Without your explanation, I think his dialogue could be taken in any of those ways. Maybe add a smile or grin in that last parg. or something to hint at his mood.<br /><br />Apart from the dialogue, they both know the truth, so why would either of them pretend otherwise?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14501132182710265406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84690231283492129242010-02-24T16:51:36.488-05:002010-02-24T16:51:36.488-05:00You did convey nervousness and embarrassment, so y...You did convey nervousness and embarrassment, so you get an A for that.<br /><br />However, this would work better if you tinkered with Avery. The moan should go - it has the ick factor, too over the top, as someone else said. She could show she thinks the guy is handsome in some other way. Does Avery have the IQ of a houseplant? Is she drunk? No best friend would expose the friend's crush in front of the Object of the Crush like this:<br /><br /><i>“Sure you did. Wait...oh my God! Ella! Is this the guy?” Avery shouted.<br /><br />Jack beamed. Now he knew I had told my friend about him. The ultimate male ego boost.<br /><br />“Wait till I tell Claire!” Avery screamed as she ran back to our table. </i><br /><br />I would drop-kick somebody who did that to me!H. Grantnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88255774418050887932010-02-24T14:27:02.759-05:002010-02-24T14:27:02.759-05:00This drew me in right away, and I'd like to re...This drew me in right away, and I'd like to read more!<br /><br />The only problem I had was that I didn't get nervousness or embarassment from the dialogue. I thought Ella was more irritated at Avery than embarassed at seeing Jack and having her cover blown.<br /><br />Otherwise, I like this very much!Juli Page Morganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17269486506169141680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37369035036829243652010-02-24T13:35:56.618-05:002010-02-24T13:35:56.618-05:00Great job! I can hear the playfulness in his voice...Great job! I can hear the playfulness in his voice and the terror in hers! Plus, Avery is a strong side-kick character here. My only suggestions would be to get rid of extra words that don't contribute to the dialogue. I would take out "I stuttered." I can tell that from the dialogue, so there's no need to tell us she stuttered right after we just read she did. I like to use "she said, she asked", etc. as little as possible. Let the dialogue flow without those extra words as much as possible. When you have to interject who said what for clarification, that's fine. I might even take out "Avery shoted". You can tell she's excited from the use of the exclamation mark.Susan B-Knoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1740374819905870182010-02-24T10:57:38.786-05:002010-02-24T10:57:38.786-05:00This is fun!This is fun!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11909732235922201609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63158972076864882232010-02-24T10:37:04.172-05:002010-02-24T10:37:04.172-05:00The beginning interested me, but I think the moan ...The beginning interested me, but I think the moan might be over the top. Why did Avery shout and scream? Was she far? Was the place loud? Also, I think "warm and fuzzy" would've been gone as soon as he recognized her, so I'd consider taking that out. I think she should seem more embarrassed. Lastly, I don't think the firefighter would mention the makeup. Men never notice things like that.<br /><br />I think it was a nice mix of dialogue and thought.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.com