tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8947828368665963324..comments2024-03-18T12:01:18.507-04:00Comments on Authoress: January Secret Agent #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33856263483537131832015-01-16T19:49:29.492-05:002015-01-16T19:49:29.492-05:00Hi all, author here. Just wanted to say thank you ...Hi all, author here. Just wanted to say thank you for the great feedback! :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16419055265069843096noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58239016745362526532015-01-16T10:19:22.404-05:002015-01-16T10:19:22.404-05:00It’s great that we get world-building right from t...It’s great that we get world-building right from the first line, which is so important in sci-fi. It’s interesting that you have a race of bird-like people with talons and feathers. It’s a nice break from the green-skinned Roswell aliens we’ve seen done too many times! Just a note: YA sci-fi is a tough market, so make sure that your story is something we haven’t seen before as it continues on.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61300928185398034182015-01-15T15:32:20.810-05:002015-01-15T15:32:20.810-05:00Intense, fast paced beginning. "Pollution bur...Intense, fast paced beginning. "Pollution burned". Good, unusual sensory image. This tells a lot about your world, as does Tayel's quest for breathable air. <br /><br />Words like "denizens" and "cacophony" are really cool words but they don't belong in a face-paced opening scene. They tear the readers right out of the story as we pause to decide if we know what those words mean and how to pronounce them. Save words like that for a bit of exposition later, after you've establish your characters and we're hooked on your story. <br /><br />You may want to think about changing the name of your character Jace. That's also the name of one of the MC in City of Bones, and the other MC has red hair! Just an idea - I do like the name! And I'm really interested that that he's part or all bird!!!<br /><br />Great beginning. Would love to read more.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08697166619478748131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13143562028585134942015-01-14T20:59:19.246-05:002015-01-14T20:59:19.246-05:00That last paragraph really surprised me about Jace...That last paragraph really surprised me about Jace with the feathers and talons and I would definitely want to read on. I don't have anything useful to add here because I honestly liked this piece. I guess the only thing I could offer is that I disagree with the comment about the sentence: Bustling city denizens... it was an unusual phrase but I don't think it needs simplifying. As for the extra sentence about the fresh air and safety...I like the poetic truth of it. Good luck! www.lisapais.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16599905770811286852noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84540243924497658222015-01-14T14:39:52.711-05:002015-01-14T14:39:52.711-05:00Great start! I especially liked the faulty tubing ...Great start! I especially liked the faulty tubing in the first paragraph. I tripped a tiny bit on this section: "Bustling city denizens fresh off the after-work tram slowed them on the main street. The cacophony of rasping gas masks..." I think you could simplify the description a little there. Otherwise, good luck with this!Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14107428262577871742015-01-14T13:06:17.214-05:002015-01-14T13:06:17.214-05:00Great premise and the last paragraph really grabbe...Great premise and the last paragraph really grabbed me! I'm not sure the line: pick up the pace needs to be in italics. Also, you capitalize OTTO but the "s" isn't. Also, I think drown might work better than drowned. You might want to rethink Jace's name since this name is the main love interest in Cassandra Clare's Mortal Instrument series. I'd read more! Good luck!Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87632160330269404462015-01-14T12:49:25.278-05:002015-01-14T12:49:25.278-05:00Really good start in my opinion. It was intense an...Really good start in my opinion. It was intense and I could feel the pressure of the crowds and pollution. My only thought is that maybe you don't need the sentence about nothing mattering except fresh air and safety. You've established that already with what's happening in my opinion and that slows down the action. Overall though, this is a great start to the book.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11616443977651188748noreply@blogger.com