tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9003960023084718479..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: July Secret Agent #25Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59818278927592773232010-07-18T09:17:12.829-04:002010-07-18T09:17:12.829-04:00Love the action right from the start and that it c...Love the action right from the start and that it comes from the main character. The reader is pulled into the character's dilemma all the way through - I'd want to know what happens to her next and what the story could be about. Well done.Sheryl Gwytherhttp://sherylgwyther.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82242597713325428842010-07-17T23:57:56.209-04:002010-07-17T23:57:56.209-04:00I really like your writing style here. It's ve...I really like your writing style here. It's very interesting the way you've set things up. Good job! I'd definatly read on!Sarah MacCallumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64241569355218154222010-07-17T01:04:03.223-04:002010-07-17T01:04:03.223-04:00Great submit!!!
Really good set-up with lots of te...Great submit!!!<br />Really good set-up with lots of tension right off the bat. Loved the tone of the MC - but would only say, wasn't too in love with the "Ack" usage...as I think you could find something better that matches the rest of your great story!<br />Just like everyone else, really loved the "Un-kudos to me." line - really spot on!<br />Good job - I'd definitely read more, for sure.<br />Good luck in the contest!Erin L. Schneiderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13724907482299321322noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87287204824949910632010-07-16T13:36:07.384-04:002010-07-16T13:36:07.384-04:00Hooked. Nice voice. I would read more!Hooked. Nice voice. I would read more!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81855893824080729672010-07-16T10:51:31.083-04:002010-07-16T10:51:31.083-04:00I like this - I want to know what's making her...I like this - I want to know what's making her separate from her body. Nicely done :)Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2968785923424748992010-07-15T20:35:37.792-04:002010-07-15T20:35:37.792-04:00This is super fun! I definitely want to find out w...This is super fun! I definitely want to find out what's going on with her. Nicely done!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81792073930558781462010-07-15T16:39:13.286-04:002010-07-15T16:39:13.286-04:00I really liked this one. It's great how you de...I really liked this one. It's great how you describe her losing her body. I didn't expect that either.<br /><br />Very intriguing. I'd read on.Susan B.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50297041341184033612010-07-15T09:46:30.631-04:002010-07-15T09:46:30.631-04:00Hooked me. Great job.Hooked me. Great job.mepurfieldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17883012638377969823noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22130256594104936192010-07-15T03:42:40.010-04:002010-07-15T03:42:40.010-04:00This totally grabbed me.This totally grabbed me.Tara Mayahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09095632631554776002noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36088822906392129272010-07-14T22:52:12.034-04:002010-07-14T22:52:12.034-04:00I got sucked in right away, too. I agree the line ...I got sucked in right away, too. I agree the line spacing helps with that--nice, short, punchy lines. Great voice and a surprising turn of events. <br /><br />I agree the "desk screeches" and the "Ack" lines are a bit awkward, but I like, "I'm so the center of attention..." Not crazy about "my own self." <br /><br />I'm curious as to whether this girl has a siezure disorder and if she has out-of-body experiences every time. I'd definitely read on. Nice job!Vicki Schultzhttp://www.vickischultz.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81089162550852718412010-07-14T21:15:41.495-04:002010-07-14T21:15:41.495-04:00Sounds like a really fun read! I would definitely ...Sounds like a really fun read! I would definitely read more.Penelope Wrightnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43451068986186403932010-07-14T21:04:54.933-04:002010-07-14T21:04:54.933-04:00Lots of great tension in the opening to keep the r...Lots of great tension in the opening to keep the reader interested and the kudos part is funny. Well done.Amy Kinzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10436166248133753017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34473652783688640562010-07-14T18:59:58.642-04:002010-07-14T18:59:58.642-04:00Cool opening! I liked it a lot. The whole thing ...Cool opening! I liked it a lot. The whole thing worked pretty well.<br /><br />You might set "Not here, please. Not now' into it's own paragraph to give it a bit more effect/power. And cut the Ack - center of attention bit. It can be tightened a bit, but overall, I'm hooked.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91949878869883650952010-07-14T16:49:22.759-04:002010-07-14T16:49:22.759-04:00I love the "Un-kodus to me" line! Not so...I love the "Un-kodus to me" line! Not so much with the "Ack, everybody's looking." It seemed a little too flippant considering the drama that appears to be unfolding.<br /><br />Okay, so "Un-kodus to me" is pretty flippant, too, but I sort of saw that as dry humor. "Ack" is more...flippant flippant. :D<br /><br />Otherwise, very nice.Kat Zhanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01047061040988353833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3139101974324673872010-07-14T16:49:04.512-04:002010-07-14T16:49:04.512-04:00Totally in love with the line 'Un-kudos to me....Totally in love with the line 'Un-kudos to me.'<br /><br />Hooked.TKAstlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15853167834460094772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88064678847569301692010-07-14T14:22:04.068-04:002010-07-14T14:22:04.068-04:00Great job! I was immediately pulled in.
The only ...Great job! I was immediately pulled in.<br /><br />The only thing I might change is taking out the last names of the two she runs into, unless you mean for the character to be named Aaron Carter (brother of a Backstreet Boy.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17876772923733290496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10105637095617828172010-07-14T13:13:30.196-04:002010-07-14T13:13:30.196-04:00I like it! The falling-out-of-your-body thing surp...I like it! The falling-out-of-your-body thing surprised me, that wasn't what I expected. I would read on.Sarah Anne Coehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15224470333771457756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7988906477071872972010-07-14T11:20:05.732-04:002010-07-14T11:20:05.732-04:00"Un-kudos to me." --Nice line/voice. The..."Un-kudos to me." --Nice line/voice. The voice/white space move it along and give it life. Nice job.Rose Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10752073931486321348noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66661421361644930702010-07-14T10:59:15.523-04:002010-07-14T10:59:15.523-04:00Wow. I'm interested. Good voice.Wow. I'm interested. Good voice.Kathryn Packer Robertshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16506942804607936833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34905431034369852182010-07-14T10:47:52.265-04:002010-07-14T10:47:52.265-04:00Hooked. Great character dilemma, fascinating dilem...Hooked. Great character dilemma, fascinating dilemma, etc. I would definitely read on.<br /><br />One sentence confused me. "I know it's hard because of the loud way the desk screeches on the classroom tiles." What's hard, your hip or the desk? Don't you mean "solid" here? If the only way she knows she bumped the desk is because of the sound, describe the sound first and then reach the conclusion. Something such as "I scramble to rise from my seat. The desk screeches on the floor. I've caught my hip on the desk--at least that part of my body is still solid."<br /><br />Also, "I'm so the center of attention right now" is redundant.JENnoreply@blogger.com