tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9014063085509830571..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: 50 SECRET AGENTAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1393587085199407422009-01-18T00:09:00.000-05:002009-01-18T00:09:00.000-05:00I didn't like the flashback to how the MC got in t...I didn't like the flashback to how the MC got in the stocks so early in the story. Maybe you need to start at the hearing?<BR/><BR/>I'd read a bit further, but I'm not in love with this.danceluvrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16357250951481805093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86703300870798894712009-01-17T20:41:00.000-05:002009-01-17T20:41:00.000-05:00I'm totally hooked! Good job. I want to read more ...I'm totally hooked! Good job. I want to read more and more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33070093536874223002009-01-17T11:53:00.000-05:002009-01-17T11:53:00.000-05:00I like the premise of your story and the voice is ...I like the premise of your story and the voice is fairly good. <BR/><BR/>However, I am concerned with a number of misspellings in this excerpt. <BR/><BR/>I agree that this seems more YA than MG - and that you have far too much backstory and not enough sensory detail. I like where you broke off the text - and it introduces the reason why this girl has to redeem herself. Perhaps you need to introduce this earlier???dragonladyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07320337634903795299noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21996384967632812622009-01-16T22:59:00.000-05:002009-01-16T22:59:00.000-05:00Whoa, is that the first president George Washingto...Whoa, is that the first president George Washington? I might be interested to see a different kind of story about him. Lots of good descriptions put me in the scene. The last sentence was a surprise.Bethlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00399849555406133310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31569670939158885742009-01-16T09:55:00.000-05:002009-01-16T09:55:00.000-05:00It didn't completely hook me, but I'm interested a...It didn't completely hook me, but I'm interested and think I would give this a few more pages. I'm curious of her crime and want to find out what's going on with her.John Zeleznikhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10301257444191880316noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48117302550976680542009-01-15T16:34:00.000-05:002009-01-15T16:34:00.000-05:00I would like to read a book based in this era. Kee...I would like to read a book based in this era. Keeping it accurate historically would make it sing. So keep writing! I want to see it on the shelves.Suzette Saxtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06401538008029407734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35178831758422019162009-01-15T15:46:00.000-05:002009-01-15T15:46:00.000-05:00I like the narrator's voice, and it seems like it'...I like the narrator's voice, and it seems like it's shaping up to be an interesting story.About Mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10011023963327391019noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25622401493626862672009-01-15T15:24:00.000-05:002009-01-15T15:24:00.000-05:00There's more action in the backstory than in the p...There's more action in the backstory than in the present--which to me is a clear sign that that's where the story should have started. In the present, nothing is happening to the character save thinking about the past, which tells the reader that the tension and conflict is over and we've missed it (thus, were cheated). Too many books/stories start with the MC musing about the current state of things, and frankly it's boring, doesn't move the plot along, and is a cliche device.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8525903448303932362009-01-15T14:47:00.000-05:002009-01-15T14:47:00.000-05:00I think this is an interesting premise, but it's o...I think this is an interesting premise, but it's overwritten. And it's doing more "telling" instead of "showing."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39965268861274795852009-01-15T13:33:00.000-05:002009-01-15T13:33:00.000-05:00Doesn’t hook me…Because it felt like too much info...Doesn’t hook me…<BR/>Because it felt like too much info dump. The hair shearing was great. If you left everything else off and focused on that scene, I’d probably like it more. I like the idea, George Washington and all, but it isn’t written in a way that hooks me.Anette J Kreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79352119824904671922009-01-15T09:06:00.000-05:002009-01-15T09:06:00.000-05:00I'm not hooked.I think my problem is that there's ...I'm not hooked.<BR/><BR/>I think my problem is that there's too much information. I feel like I'm being bombarded.<BR/><BR/>Maybe start with what you see--a girl in stocks. Maybe someone goes by and spits at her. Maybe she's so tiny she could pull her hands out of the stocks if she tried, but she's afraid to. Maybe she feels safer in the stocks than in her home, alone. Where the mob could come for her. Again.<BR/><BR/>I think if you start focused on a smaller part of the scene and draw back gradually to show us the bigger picture, you can lure us in.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43493891846845822042009-01-15T06:09:00.000-05:002009-01-15T06:09:00.000-05:00I'm hooked. I want to know why she's there and wha...I'm hooked. I want to know why she's there and what she did. I also want to know who Abby is.<BR/><BR/>I thought that the second sentence was rather long, but that's probably because I'm used to writing books for beginner readers.<BR/><BR/>I would read on.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74458494948211889832009-01-15T03:46:00.000-05:002009-01-15T03:46:00.000-05:00This was confusing:“Washington’s words spared your...This was confusing:<BR/><BR/>“Washington’s words spared your life, nothing more. Make sure she does not forget what happens to those who even think of betrayal<BR/><BR/>Otherwise, I woul read on just to find out about Abby, although I would like it better if I thought Abby would die without her, or have something dire happen to her.<BR/><BR/>I would give it a couple of more pages.Julie Butcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15055134290787317245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86449051457792830702009-01-14T23:08:00.000-05:002009-01-14T23:08:00.000-05:00Hooked--but I would like more description--both in...Hooked--but I would like more description--both internal and external--of the time in the prison and the actual feelings it incurs.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80883618186363138512009-01-14T22:45:00.000-05:002009-01-14T22:45:00.000-05:00I love historical fiction. Very interesting beginn...I love historical fiction. Very interesting beginning, but I could feel a little more transported inside the heroine's head. I'd read more, though, for sure.S.J.Kincaidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14159000802250378161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34644475804607928092009-01-14T19:51:00.000-05:002009-01-14T19:51:00.000-05:00I think AC has a good point. Start at the court ro...I think AC has a good point. Start at the court room scene and go from there. I still like it. :)Sarah Jensenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18385403676603047861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33278551777715111032009-01-14T17:54:00.000-05:002009-01-14T17:54:00.000-05:00All right, I liked this. What could a teen girl p...All right, I liked this. What could a teen girl possibly due to get accused of treason but then be spared by General Washington? Very cool idea. Writing's a bit stiff for the target audience, but the story could be interesting to them.Jaruciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09423622523128180916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71756996428096247242009-01-14T15:40:00.000-05:002009-01-14T15:40:00.000-05:00I'm on the fence. I like how you show what happens...I'm on the fence. I like how you show what happens to her, but without knowing what she did or didn't do, the stakes are lessened for me. I felt like I should have a better idea by the end of the 250 words.<BR/><BR/>This is an interesting premise--I'd have to see where it goes.Angela Ackermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01808259088625142389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23800629405655904342009-01-14T14:28:00.000-05:002009-01-14T14:28:00.000-05:00Not hooked. What happened in your 250 word openin...Not hooked. What happened in your 250 word opening was that a girl laid in the stocks and remembered.<BR/><BR/>Perhaps start with the event that changed her life -- the moment she got caught doing whatever it was she'd done, or the moment the authorities came for her -- but start with her doing something, rather than remembering.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78496582304026617082009-01-14T14:07:00.000-05:002009-01-14T14:07:00.000-05:00What if you cut everything at the beginning and st...What if you cut everything at the beginning and started with "Two jurymen held me while others cut my hair..." that's when I really started caring about the character. Then work in the other info we need to know (about her being in the stocks) later. That might get you out of some of the overwriting that happens at the beginning.<BR/>I would definitely read on, though. I like this!Anna Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08774415814789806840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20397093563738467152009-01-14T13:55:00.000-05:002009-01-14T13:55:00.000-05:00Hooked. I really like how the setting of this stor...Hooked. I really like how the setting of this story comes into play in small details like her hair without being overbearing and I have to know what she was falsly accused for. The writing flowed smoothly and before I knew it, the word count was up. Really nice work!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15819905439892730812009-01-14T13:29:00.000-05:002009-01-14T13:29:00.000-05:00My fingernails dug into my palms as my eyelids tri...My fingernails dug into my palms as my eyelids tried to shut out every twitch and pain of the past twenty-four hours.<BR/><BR/>________________________<BR/><BR/>Here it looks like her body parts are disembodied. ;-)<BR/><BR/>How about just say 0<BR/><BR/>I dug my fingernails into my palms and squeezed my eyes shut, and tried to block out every twitch and pain of the last twenty-four hours.<BR/><BR/>This is still a longish sentence, but at least her fingernails and eyelids don't have minds of their own. <BR/><BR/>Other than that... I would be hooked, because I love historical novels, but I don't quite get a 'colonial America' feel reading this.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67784921542460629972009-01-14T13:07:00.000-05:002009-01-14T13:07:00.000-05:00I'm sorry, dear Writer, but I'm not feeling the lo...I'm sorry, dear Writer, but I'm not feeling the love on this one. Very overwritten - starting with the first sentence. Sometimes you can try TOO hard to create your desired effect, and this is a case in point. If this were a real submission, I'm afraid I'd stop here. Oh, I also think that thematically it would be a very tough sell. I'm not saying historical is totally off-limits, but it's got to be wonderful.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1212044792226359732009-01-14T12:57:00.000-05:002009-01-14T12:57:00.000-05:00Anything set in historical Philadelphia is going t...Anything set in historical Philadelphia is going to interest me! And I'm intrigued by the situation and would read on.<BR/><BR/>That said, I'm a little confused about the age of your MC. The voice sounds more like YA. I also wonder whether she'd be thinking about her hair after that ordeal. If she just spent 24 hours in the stocks, I'd expect her to be in A LOT more pain and discomfort than she's coming across with, and frightened of being shunned, which could have serious consequences.<BR/><BR/>Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9056632767273637802009-01-14T12:49:00.000-05:002009-01-14T12:49:00.000-05:00It feels a little overwritten to me, and doesn't s...It feels a little overwritten to me, and doesn't seem like it has a very MG voice. Might it be more of a YA historical? I could definitely see it holding a teen's attention more than a pre-teen's.<BR/><BR/>I also question why you need to start with the MC in stocks and then go immediately into a flashback of why she's there. Why not just start with the scene you're flashing back to?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com