tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9068928433874651781..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Are You Hooked? #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34887724693450130812021-12-28T09:54:10.264-05:002021-12-28T09:54:10.264-05:00can't't believe that this man is so real, ...can't't believe that this man is so real, how can I thank you enough, I can't fail to testify about the good things you have been doing for me and now you still went ahead and do same for my friend, please everyone if you have anything disturbing you please your solution is hear with Dr.osupalagba the great spiritualist who can solve any problem in a twinkle of an eye. 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I think you could start with the second paragraph and hint at Monty somewhere. Carlahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00475582101189843298noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52446598201329976582021-03-02T17:55:14.736-05:002021-03-02T17:55:14.736-05:00I wasn't quite hooked, and I think it might be...I wasn't quite hooked, and I think it might be that you're starting your story in the wrong place. Why not go straight to the museum and show your MC alone, either walking alone or sitting alone at lunch. Then he could remember his mom's advice to make the first move. Is he brave enough to try? If he tries, does it work? That's where the real suspense comes in, and we'll feel it along with him.<br /><br />I also just realized that by the end of the 250, I still don't know the MC's name. That's always a struggle with 1st person, but you could slip it into the dialogue pretty easily.<br /><br />Dinosaurs are always a fun topic, and "Montysaurus" is a great name, both for the dinosaur and the book. Thanks for sharing and good luck!amhogganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831363893894165135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29031074123413685452021-03-01T20:04:55.784-05:002021-03-01T20:04:55.784-05:00I feel for your dinosaur-loving MC! Agree with WAW...I feel for your dinosaur-loving MC! Agree with WAW that not wanting to sit alone and telling his mum he has no friends repeats the same information twice. You've missed an opportunity to reveal more about your character with what he tells his mum about why he doesn't want to go. Is he going to get in trouble in the book for making up stories, such as about the dinosaur named Monty? Then have him tell her a story (even if it's true) here. "The museum is haunted." "Bats live there."<br /><br />I'd read on.Bonnie Staringhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15617661715759556106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28760483825719305712021-03-01T19:11:37.662-05:002021-03-01T19:11:37.662-05:00Everyone else's comments are valid. The only t...Everyone else's comments are valid. The only thing I would add is a minor one. Your sentence about the cafeteria is overly long. You can remove "together at tables" to shorten, and b/c it's assumed there are tables in the caf. Together is also a given. I would also break that sentence and start a new one with "The odds..." Readers generally like shorter sentences, and I'm sure MG would require that even more. Otherwise, a great start. :)Betsyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15172083170208857228noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14109424796338733662021-03-01T18:07:28.664-05:002021-03-01T18:07:28.664-05:00Decent clean prose, but I'd suggest amping up ...Decent clean prose, but I'd suggest amping up either the voice or the hook. MC doesn't exactly read like a middle-schooler, and the emotional stakes, though sincere and terrible, are perhaps a bit old hat. 'New kid in town' is a common trope. Tropes are fine, but I'd caution that you're going to have to put in extra work to convince readers (especially agents -- I hate to be 'that guy', but I have noticed that they crave novelty) that *your* take on the trope is unique. Allisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10188474070904078538noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2834337845062185622021-03-01T15:27:46.456-05:002021-03-01T15:27:46.456-05:00Hooked! Great voice. Well done.
One quibble: him ...Hooked! Great voice. Well done.<br /><br />One quibble: him saying he didn't know anyone yet is basically the same as him saying they'll be eating alone IMO (and in fact softens the blow for that eventuality). The contrast between what he doesn't want to say to his mother and what he actually says should be more distinct (I would argue anyway).WAWhttp://wadealbertwhite.ca/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14089246069510087542021-03-01T13:30:49.506-05:002021-03-01T13:30:49.506-05:00Relatable and I'm curious to know the real rea...Relatable and I'm curious to know the real reason no one would want to sit with him. I'd read on!<br /><br />IMO: I think the dinosaur dates are fine as is. One who loves dinosaurs doesn't mean he's an expert.H. R. Sinclairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06715450637785127208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55747115378807812252021-03-01T12:27:09.574-05:002021-03-01T12:27:09.574-05:00Aw, I already have a lot of sympathy for our MC, b...Aw, I already have a lot of sympathy for our MC, but am hopeful that Monty is someone who becomes his friend right away. His concerns are relatable, and I feel terrible for him that he doesn't want to go on the field trip because he's afraid he'll be alone, even though he loves dinosaurs and should really want to go. I really don't have much to critique here - this is very well done. I'd read on!JKOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11037801818858013252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51279942373140305362021-03-01T11:34:38.521-05:002021-03-01T11:34:38.521-05:0065 million. (Or 240 to 65 million, if he's rea...65 million. (Or 240 to 65 million, if he's really a dinosaur expert.) Other than that, this opening has a story question, emotional peril for the MC, and a title and opening paragraph that suggests enough about where the story might be going to hook the intended audience.Brent Salishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12719960603593393570noreply@blogger.com