tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9103012000827096411..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: F2S 72Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48804021820435498622008-12-04T18:59:00.000-05:002008-12-04T18:59:00.000-05:00The author here. Much thanks for all the feedback,...The author here. Much thanks for all the feedback, I appreciate the time and comments everyone made. I'm going back to the drawing board and will take all the advice as I look closely at hooking the reader. Thanks again everyone.<BR/><BR/>And sorry, Just_Me, it's historical. No alien invasion, just a marriage to man who may have killed his father.<BR/><BR/>JAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29723923284447521682008-12-04T09:42:00.000-05:002008-12-04T09:42:00.000-05:00The solar? *scratches head* Otherwise, I’m intrig...The solar? *scratches head* Otherwise, I’m intrigued. A daughter spying on her father… I’m curious to know why and what she might learn. Strange name...Anette J Kreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28979349955773644302008-12-04T00:22:00.000-05:002008-12-04T00:22:00.000-05:00I'm into historical fic at times. I'd keep reading...I'm into historical fic at times. I'd keep reading, hoping for more intrigue to sink my teeth into. This doesn't give me much. I'd like to know if she's eavesdropping right then and why.Bethlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00399849555406133310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38841114869995167762008-12-03T23:26:00.000-05:002008-12-03T23:26:00.000-05:00The POV needs to be stronger. Would your MC *real...The POV needs to be stronger. Would your MC *really* call herself "Lady Willamena Ffenwyck" when in her own thoughts? Ditto on the comments that not much is happening here. Throw us a line of tension right away and draw us into the story immediately.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63491272349765213092008-12-03T21:53:00.000-05:002008-12-03T21:53:00.000-05:00I was hooked when I initially misread "expansion" ...I was hooked when I initially misread "expansion" as "explosion," since the tone was so matter-of-fact. <BR/><BR/>As is, though, I think it falls a little flat. I read historicals on occasion, but I'm not a huge fan. Don't think I'd read on, sorry.Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08466556357862555372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26956842146669535132008-12-03T20:18:00.000-05:002008-12-03T20:18:00.000-05:00I'd switch the sentence order. Start with action t...I'd switch the sentence order. Start with action then give context--but I'd drop the 'result of expansion' aside.<BR/><BR/>I'd probably read on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62136576028590001172008-12-03T20:11:00.000-05:002008-12-03T20:11:00.000-05:00I agree with jumping right into whatever Lady Will...I agree with jumping right into whatever Lady Willamena is overhearing and THEN telling us she's eavesdropping from some little nook where she can't be seen. The description of the nook threw me out of the story before I even got into it.<BR/><BR/>**chuckling at Just_Me's comments** Don't you just love the unexpected? :-)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05740371055384281988noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67735989780819300962008-12-03T16:34:00.000-05:002008-12-03T16:34:00.000-05:00"from past experience" kills this for me. It's sor..."from past experience" kills this for me. It's sort of a cop out. You could show her noticing the spot, slipping in, and watching her father. Instead you leave that to the reader and miss the opportunity to paint the picture and scene. <BR/><BR/>And, for the record, I'd love you forever if this wasn't a historical and you still had a lady. They still exist. And they appear in sci-fi. It would be awesome if this introduced an alien invasion... just to be the odd one out :o)Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20521272497699277492008-12-03T16:32:00.000-05:002008-12-03T16:32:00.000-05:00Start with intrigue, save this for later, imo.Start with intrigue, save this for later, imo.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15772115162429818530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49847556284175553232008-12-03T15:02:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:02:00.000-05:00This is setting a stage that doesn't need to be se...This is setting a stage that doesn't need to be set, IMO. Jump RIGHT into the first words her father speaks... then let us know Willamena is eavesdropping, where she is, and why, as she's listening. <BR/><BR/>More in the moment. This is backstory. (And I am intrigued to know what she discovers, I think that's a great hook to start a historical on... just needs to be more compelling, more in the moment.)Jeannie Rueschhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16121805051292444835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23238086256028971582008-12-03T14:53:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:53:00.000-05:00There might be slight infodumpiness in the first s...There might be slight infodumpiness in the first sentence (delete the part about the expansion), but I'd read on.<BR/><BR/>*hearts books that start off with the MC eavesdropping*Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31458983577612305222008-12-03T14:43:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:43:00.000-05:00I'm with Terri too. I'd read more because of the g...I'm with Terri too. I'd read more because of the genre.Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10810590407001594471noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27707004414818224222008-12-03T14:37:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:37:00.000-05:00I agree with Terri, you could chop out the first s...I agree with Terri, you could chop out the first sentence entirely and it would be more of a hook. You can add in her location later. We want action! I'd read further; a "Lady" eavesdropping always makes me want to know what she's listening to ;)Anna Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08774415814789806840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25465750577610488202008-12-03T14:29:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:29:00.000-05:00LOVE historicals, but too much of an info dump rig...LOVE historicals, but too much of an info dump right at the beginning screams BORING! <BR/><BR/>I would start with the eavesdropping on her father, not so much why there's a handy little nook to do it in. More action, less telling.<BR/><BR/>I'd read more, not because you hooked me, but because of my love for the genre.<BR/><BR/>:) TerriTerriRainerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16301763290901887933noreply@blogger.com