tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post915871519138272017..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Line Grabber #5Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger53125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52528040905571396562012-02-25T13:34:29.906-05:002012-02-25T13:34:29.906-05:00No.
Because I just can't believe it. I know t...No.<br /><br />Because I just can't <i>believe</i> it. I know there are bad parents in the world, but naming the child Ruin doesn't ring true to me. And I don't think I could read a whole book about a character named Ruin.Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81197144887304319142012-02-25T03:05:09.236-05:002012-02-25T03:05:09.236-05:00No. I agree that using 'Ruin' twice doesn&...No. I agree that using 'Ruin' twice doesn't work. Something like, "My mother named me after the effect I would have on her life: Ruin' or something like that would be better.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31718309874057258012012-02-24T17:52:41.473-05:002012-02-24T17:52:41.473-05:00Yes. The use of the word 'mama' made me th...Yes. The use of the word 'mama' made me think this was a girl who had grown up in the south. I immediately saw this bitter, chain-smoking, trailer-park mom calling her Ruin (in a southern accent) and I wanted to hear her story.<br /><br />I agree that it could be cleaner - perhaps just another word for "ruin" instead of using it twice.danika dinsmorehttp://theaccidentalnovelist.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85942616037776394422012-02-24T17:23:23.954-05:002012-02-24T17:23:23.954-05:00No. The sentiment is there, but should be tweaked ...No. The sentiment is there, but should be tweaked a bit. I hope you can find a way to say this in a dynamic way.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57639875478963894702012-02-24T16:54:00.053-05:002012-02-24T16:54:00.053-05:00No. I agree with the others - too wordy.No. I agree with the others - too wordy.A Little Pushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081183739979996879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20167915582530949492012-02-24T14:27:27.296-05:002012-02-24T14:27:27.296-05:00No. "When she found out she was pregnant"...No. "When she found out she was pregnant" isn't necessary. Also the voice comes off as a bit whiny.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2240757855281510312012-02-24T13:51:08.181-05:002012-02-24T13:51:08.181-05:00No. Good advice above on smoothing out the prose a...No. Good advice above on smoothing out the prose and possibly breaking into multiple sentences.Shakier Anthemhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16169934547082128953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44602074871675366612012-02-24T13:28:04.232-05:002012-02-24T13:28:04.232-05:00No. Too wordy. But I like the idea and where it co...No. Too wordy. But I like the idea and where it could be headed.Nata Cynthia Artistadonnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09790244390075247862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59474847033295017842012-02-24T12:36:43.982-05:002012-02-24T12:36:43.982-05:00Narrow yes. The backstory intrigues me just enough...Narrow yes. The backstory intrigues me just enough to keep me reading.Heidihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17237687110595005423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50364198864205470362012-02-24T06:25:49.342-05:002012-02-24T06:25:49.342-05:00No.
Word choice of 'mama' bugs me - it...No.<br /><br />Word choice of 'mama' bugs me - it's the sort of thing I associate with a very very young child. Trying to phrase this right, I think if that's the sort of attitude the narrator & her mother have, I don't think it's a story that would interest me.Ailsahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02824021953575422303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86481856628691755692012-02-24T02:01:53.894-05:002012-02-24T02:01:53.894-05:00Yes! I immeidately want to know how Ruin's lif...Yes! I immeidately want to know how Ruin's life went. I already despise the mother for blaming her child in that way, and want to cheer Ruin on.Jo-Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15705983780352542190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39682878686715273832012-02-24T01:52:45.222-05:002012-02-24T01:52:45.222-05:00No, but it's close. I love the concept, LOVE t...No, but it's close. I love the concept, LOVE the character name, but it felt a bit too angsty for me.Wen Baragreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17741246296963740806noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41301416721822352372012-02-24T00:56:35.822-05:002012-02-24T00:56:35.822-05:00No. Wording is more important to me than the idea....No. Wording is more important to me than the idea. I love the idea, though!Beth Hnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80852973164704779312012-02-23T18:38:03.944-05:002012-02-23T18:38:03.944-05:00I agree with the comment directly above-- YES for ...I agree with the comment directly above-- YES for the concept and just tighten the wording.Amanda S. Gardnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03865077959290947501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16256977739406954332012-02-23T18:05:55.572-05:002012-02-23T18:05:55.572-05:00Yes. I like the implications. But a bit of a mouth...Yes. I like the implications. But a bit of a mouthful. I think it can be made smoother.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14324491231695823916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28910786217541286702012-02-23T17:33:01.633-05:002012-02-23T17:33:01.633-05:00No. Too sad for me personally, but that's pers...No. Too sad for me personally, but that's personal preference. On the technical side, it's too wordy. Is "when she found out she was pregnant" a salient point? Perhaps it is, but if it's not, then I'd ditch it. And "because she knew I'd ruin her life" seems unnecessary to explain.JL Dannorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15144540248274739914noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7376101134328175782012-02-23T16:47:28.811-05:002012-02-23T16:47:28.811-05:00No, the sentence is awkward. A stronger sentence c...No, the sentence is awkward. A stronger sentence could be: Mama named me Ruin. That smacks of "My name is Ishmael" but it is more to the point and attention grabbing. I do want to know who your MC deals with her name and the teasing she's bound to get and how that affects her relationship with her mom. So, while your sentence didn't grab me, the situation and unusual name of your MC did.Traci VWhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18158949570719862850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77275595807363140162012-02-23T16:34:44.983-05:002012-02-23T16:34:44.983-05:00Yes. The voice is interesting. I'd at least re...Yes. The voice is interesting. I'd at least read a little more to see if there was enough character development early on. If you made me care about Ruin quickly, I'd read the whole book.Ashley Turcottehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07641064437873182899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7547327374717288232012-02-23T15:17:34.644-05:002012-02-23T15:17:34.644-05:00No. I'm not sure I would enjoy this story. K...No. I'm not sure I would enjoy this story. Kind of harsh.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11607291218714097810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15987151725278325682012-02-23T14:45:53.076-05:002012-02-23T14:45:53.076-05:00No. It feels like it's trying to hard for me. ...No. It feels like it's trying to hard for me. Sorry.Larissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08874147599272424056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76866720559495737962012-02-23T14:31:16.640-05:002012-02-23T14:31:16.640-05:00No. It's so close though! I love the idea behi...No. It's so close though! I love the idea behind it, and think you're probably a small tweak away from nailing it. I think the repetition of the same word (ruin) within a single sentence is off-putting.Cheryl Angsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05722575692235050236noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31890003595880700132012-02-23T14:18:51.928-05:002012-02-23T14:18:51.928-05:00Yes. What a bummer of an opener...but I'm stil...Yes. What a bummer of an opener...but I'm still intrigued. I'd read on one or two more sentences to see where you're going with this.Tara Dairmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02553180762608936696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70868888030598413832012-02-23T13:48:23.995-05:002012-02-23T13:48:23.995-05:00No. It feels too melodramatic for me -- the speake...No. It feels too melodramatic for me -- the speaker using "Mama" (implied affection rather than resentment) to refer to her mother, who named her child "Ruin."Ruhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04217026218961932530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62275208054828552652012-02-23T13:02:36.149-05:002012-02-23T13:02:36.149-05:00Yes.
I think this gives a nice sense of your voice...Yes.<br />I think this gives a nice sense of your voice. I do think you could break it into two sentences to give it more punch, but it reminds me of how Neil Gaiman names characters.Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40570811958280492962012-02-23T12:38:38.368-05:002012-02-23T12:38:38.368-05:00Yes- the voice alone draws me in, but to name a ki...Yes- the voice alone draws me in, but to name a kid Ruin, I gotta read more.SMKraftynoreply@blogger.com