tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9159497028614990193..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #31Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36904394658475730182014-05-17T07:58:18.846-04:002014-05-17T07:58:18.846-04:00Thanks everyone!! I wrote out a new beginning last...Thanks everyone!! I wrote out a new beginning last night that popped into my head as I was making dinner. No R&J references. I don't know if I'm allowed to put it here so I guess I'll just hang onto it :D <br /><br />Working on my query as well - it was critiqued in Querypalooza on the Pub Crawl blog. <br /><br /><3 !!Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18304987001735754561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74426569830810426122014-05-16T07:41:30.253-04:002014-05-16T07:41:30.253-04:00I thought you could cut the first two parg's. ...I thought you could cut the first two parg's. You take two sentences to tell us who she is and where she is, and then you use a few more to say, 'No, I'm not." It seems the point you're trying to make is that she wishes she was, so maybe just say that instead.<br /><br />The rest is well-written, but aside from the feeling this will turn into a romance, I've no hint of where there is going, if it'll be more than that. There's nothing that pulls me in.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90240031756875775902014-05-15T16:30:33.199-04:002014-05-15T16:30:33.199-04:00There's a cute voice here and I wouldn't m...There's a cute voice here and I wouldn't mind reading more from her POV, but I'd like a little more forward movement in this opening. I don't think it should take two paragraphs to say she's not Juliet. It's a nice opening, and gives a hint about what she's looking for (even though R & J is a tragedy, not a romance, but I get where you're going with this), but you could probably do that in 2-3 sentences.<br /><br />Also, you use "cold" twice in the first sentence.<br /><br />With a little bit of tightening, I think this could be a great opening page. Good luck!<br />Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81592437989354126692014-05-15T08:20:04.906-04:002014-05-15T08:20:04.906-04:00Thank you all so much! I might love all of you :) ...Thank you all so much! I might love all of you :) Wrote down all the notes so far and working on more revising!Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18304987001735754561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79665789844139751102014-05-15T06:24:22.210-04:002014-05-15T06:24:22.210-04:00I like this... a lot actually, but I think you cou...I like this... a lot actually, but I think you could condense some of those first two paragraphs. A little too much mention of Juliet and Romeo and while I get the sense that this is going to be an adorable romance, the first two paragraphs just seemed to echo some of the same thoughts over and over. <br /><br />Also, watch the "I am" and dialogue like this: "We want to go for a walk downtown and grab some coffee." Teens contract practically everything. And I picture a teenage boy barking out a quick order rather than this elongated one. <br /><br />Other than that, I'm curious to see where this goes. Good luck!Alison Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12179538085536841348noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28797098047636242162014-05-14T19:56:06.916-04:002014-05-14T19:56:06.916-04:00You have created a fantastic scene in this opening...You have created a fantastic scene in this opening. I love Sadie's voice. <br /><br />The one part that I didn't believe is when Sadie whispered. Would she even be heard considering Ethan had to yell.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01677563505368503476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88893915201603320032014-05-14T18:15:31.754-04:002014-05-14T18:15:31.754-04:00I like your voice but felt there were a number of ...I like your voice but felt there were a number of places where the prose could use a trim. Though I love the start of the opening sentence, I thought it lost impact near the end. Perhaps choose either 'the cold New England air curling around me' OR 'the cold New England air caressing me...' rather than using both.<br /><br />Suggest trimming: (Of course) They aren't my Romeos...' And, to avoid repetition of 'my Romeos', perhaps: And if they aren't (my Romeos) mine, then I am not Juliet.' I suggest inserting a period here and starting a new sentence -- otherwise it sounds like she leans out a window rather than stands on a balcony because they are her Romeos. Perhaps: (and) Besides, I'm leaning...balcony.<br /><br />Other 'filler' I thought could be trimmed to keep the pace and prose strong: <br />-(Instead) I'm just me, their...<br />-(I find myself) I'm glad (that) my neighbors...so (that) Drew...<br /><br />I wanted some sort of clue as to why Sadie whispers rather than speaks at full voice like her friends. Is she trying not to wake someone?<br /><br />Like I said above, the voice here is fresh and fun. I would keep reading.<br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06611656982367077903noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67273978827390377702014-05-14T17:47:42.550-04:002014-05-14T17:47:42.550-04:00Sold. I love the voice and the character that'...Sold. I love the voice and the character that's coming through right from the get-go. I'd keep on without even questioning it. <br /><br />I figure anything to do with language that makes me think "too old" for them at this point will likely flow into character later on.<br />I don't know why, but I'm not a fan of "adding a plaintive". Maybe it just doesn't feel YA to me, or maybe it's my own little quirk.<br /><br />That's my only critique.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10323759531297056433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74039525827783529242014-05-14T15:23:56.368-04:002014-05-14T15:23:56.368-04:00Katharine, thanks! It is Drew-like - he's a sp...Katharine, thanks! It is Drew-like - he's a special snowflake. In my head, he's a straight-Nolan-from-Revenge, sort of :) And that is a great point, thanks!!<br /><br />Laura, thanks! The R&J stuff hit me a couple weeks ago and I rewrote the first few paragraphs, but of course I know they aren't really something to aspire to and I've been thinking over how to fix that particular bit. It's all great stuff, definitely tons of stuff to think about!<br /><br />Thanks you two!! Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18304987001735754561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80612869408673087752014-05-14T14:29:24.187-04:002014-05-14T14:29:24.187-04:00This is very well written. I am already invested i...This is very well written. I am already invested in Sadie.<br /><br />Does Sadie know the actual story of Romeo and Juliet and how tragic it is and that Juliet was only twelve? <br /><br />I love Sadie's predicament of being relegated to the role of best friend. Very well done and already sets up her relationship with the boys.<br /><br />With the excellent writing, I expected there to be more of a hook by the time I finished this entry. But in the end the boys just want to go for coffee? The pace slowed down when Sadie started talking.<br /><br />I was confused that Ethan yelled but Sadie is whispering. Wouldn't she admonish Ethan? I also didn't understand Drew's jumping. Is he just hopping up and down? That is very different from bouncing.<br /><br />Why would the noise of the rocks worry her more than Ethan yelling? I think this can be solved by simply shortening the sentence about being glad the neighbors aren't home.<br /><br />Nice work. Would read more for sure. I hope something more than going for coffee happens soon!<br />Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08929721564223780602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84309686564398256812014-05-14T14:09:04.285-04:002014-05-14T14:09:04.285-04:00I really like this! I love the scene and the chara...I really like this! I love the scene and the characters you've created. The writing is clear and easy to follow, and I can see the conflict coming. Nice job! My only two comments: the plaintive "Please hurry before I freeze!" doesn't sound like a typical teenage boy to me (though maybe that fits with his personality). And it seems the neighbors would be more bothered by Ethan's yelling than by Drew's disturbing the rocks on the driveway, were they at home. Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06133613633729435045noreply@blogger.com