tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9162662671372171146..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 10 Query ContestAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67961146533536277702009-07-31T08:53:41.611-04:002009-07-31T08:53:41.611-04:00Right off, I'm cross-eyed with names. Is all t...Right off, I'm cross-eyed with names. Is all this information necessary? I'm actually having trouble keeping up with this because of all the names and places. This query really needs to be focused. Get it down to one or two people. Write about their problems and conflicts. Leave everyone else out of this.<br /><br />It looks like there's a lot of worldbuilding put into this, but so much is shoved into the query I just can't keep track. I wouldn't request because I'm just lost. I'm sorry.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6655407327263828772009-07-30T15:39:02.251-04:002009-07-30T15:39:02.251-04:00My mind blew up while reading this. Simplify and f...My mind blew up while reading this. Simplify and focus on the main aspects of your story.Vincent Kalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04625863843215035035noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53125313654242662532009-07-30T08:42:22.885-04:002009-07-30T08:42:22.885-04:00Not hooked, couldn't even make it through to t...Not hooked, couldn't even make it through to the end of the query. Way too confusingSilver Fingersnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22038112111432768812009-07-29T18:22:38.108-04:002009-07-29T18:22:38.108-04:00I think there's too many nouns in the query. I...I think there's too many nouns in the query. I was getting bogged down. 'Son of the venerated deceased Valerian Emperor Xandorian' could be changed to 'son of the deceased Emperor' and 'Galvanon Moon Vroc' could be changed to 'leader of Galvanon'. The second sentence in the second paragraph is far too long. In fact you could probably cut this paragraph. We know from the first paragraph that Valdor is going to use deceit to win, and this would lead into the third paragraph where Sivil and co discover Valdor's corrupt intent.<br /><br />I'm afraid the sample didn't hook me either. There's a lot of description and too much telling, even in the dialogue. The "I presume' line smacks of 'As you know..', where a character is talking purely for the benefit of the reader rather than the other characters. Instead of one of the servants asking him if he's here to check up on his father's current condition, why not have him walk over to the bed and stare down at his ailing father?<br /><br />I think the plot of the story sounds interesting, but the writing needs to be pared a bit for people to be able to get into it easily.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42575767588799604762009-07-29T16:39:20.504-04:002009-07-29T16:39:20.504-04:00Wow. There's a serious danger of information ...Wow. There's a serious danger of information overload here. Lots of names and details to keep track of in just a few paragraphs. It's fine to introduce them bit by bit throughout the actual novel, but all at once like this is too much. <br /><br />You need your main character's name, and you need to describe the threats that he faces and the nature of the stakes. Often names aren't necessary to explain threats/antagonists or stakes, as long as we have a solid idea of how they relate to the main character. <br /><br />From what I can tell, it's an intriguing, well-developed concept. But it's an unfortunate truth that if it takes too much concentrating just to get the basic gist of a query, the agent will have to pass on it. They simply have too many queries to read. ;) Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70313191385267810902009-07-29T16:34:10.126-04:002009-07-29T16:34:10.126-04:00Unfortunately I was pulled out by too many unusual...Unfortunately I was pulled out by too many unusual names and words. There are six to eight in the first sentence alone, making it hard to translate. I get the sense it could be good but am not hooked because I don't have the patience to figure decipher the language. Perhaps pare that down a bit so the story shines through. Do we need to know the name of the planet now or that it's the 22nd moon instead of a moon? Do we need to know the emperor's name in the first paragraph or just that he's the emperor? Telling us there is an election without using Moon Vroc would help too. We'll find out the names soon enough but for me, I need to be eased in.Courtney Abruzzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09863947983523888169noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66516173174417528152009-07-29T14:11:32.685-04:002009-07-29T14:11:32.685-04:00The Query: Personalization missed the mark.
The p...The Query: Personalization missed the mark.<br /><br />The premise seems fast paced and complex with a lot of interesting players. Unfortunately, I was lost rather than hooked due to the complexity in the query itself. The supporting players to the main character could have been introduced in one or two sentences, keeping the focus on the main character and what drives him through the story.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4209961039114559342009-07-29T12:09:43.237-04:002009-07-29T12:09:43.237-04:00Not keen on the query. I found it painfully overlo...Not keen on the query. I found it painfully overloaded with adjectives. Every noun was stacked with descriptors: Sivil is videogame-loving and drift-through-life, his lifestyle is easygoing and unglamorous, the rocking is serious, the venerated deceased Valerian Emperor Xandorian is a gigantic mouthful of a phrase, etc.<br /><br />Problem is, the query being wordy (and unfocused: the protagonist barely gets a look-in as an independent, decisive character) made me look at the wordcount, and as indicated, the novel is also extremely long. 114k is running at a good 33% over budget for YA. If the query truly reflects the manuscript, then both could do with a serious trimming.<br /><br />I skimmed your first 250 words enough to have my suspicions confirmed: those are also seriously overwritten for my taste.parametricnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3755392215655207172009-07-29T11:44:01.954-04:002009-07-29T11:44:01.954-04:00I was really confused. I think there is way too mu...I was really confused. I think there is way too much going on in the query. Not hooked, sorry.J.R. Johanssonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02671109654769467131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74802913490899908602009-07-29T11:43:58.372-04:002009-07-29T11:43:58.372-04:00You lost me on "Valerian Emperor Xandorian&qu...You lost me on "Valerian Emperor Xandorian" and as I glanced down I just kept seeing blocks of weird names and text. <br /><br />I think the query would be interesting if I could get down into it. I don't think we need to know about a "Galvanon Moon Vroc" yet - consider changing it to "leader" or "president" or an easier term to reflect what it is. <br /><br />I also hesitate when I see "first of a series". Is this a standalone novel as well? I would pitch that and then mention the series.Nikkihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04951894771043230927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2245779270945392602009-07-29T11:12:54.296-04:002009-07-29T11:12:54.296-04:00Uh-oh. Wrong Agent.... :P
Query: No... not hooked...Uh-oh. Wrong Agent.... :P<br /><br />Query: No... not hooked. It seems confusing.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86833823768072117512009-07-29T10:36:43.256-04:002009-07-29T10:36:43.256-04:00I got lost and gave up in your first paragraph. I ...I got lost and gave up in your first paragraph. I think it may have been all the names. If you could condense them into more general terms then I could focus on the characters and what's actually going on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5097424220298821432009-07-29T10:17:23.566-04:002009-07-29T10:17:23.566-04:00The first paragraph confuses me. You start with Si...The first paragraph confuses me. You start with Sivil, then end with Valdor...?<br /><br />I had to read the pitch way to closely to understand the plot. I think it might be tighter if it were simplified and condensed a bit. As it is, though, I am just not hooked.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.com