tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9182463520748374924..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent Contest #44Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3430063719247868822018-05-21T16:08:40.684-04:002018-05-21T16:08:40.684-04:00Thanks to all of you for your comments. Good food ...Thanks to all of you for your comments. Good food for thought!Susan Thumm Paxtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16110923445348017869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24049818142884814612018-05-20T20:31:59.170-04:002018-05-20T20:31:59.170-04:00I really like how you used short sentences to capt...I really like how you used short sentences to capture the abruptness and pacing of the attack.<br /><br />I'm curious about the idea of him being in a gang. A real gang or just a group that he hangs out with? I would keep reading to find out if the attack is related to that. Thank you!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04600580942778783944noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1636132578627634252018-05-20T13:35:09.721-04:002018-05-20T13:35:09.721-04:00Who is "he"? I assume there is a reason ...Who is "he"? I assume there is a reason for not naming the protagonist, but I don't think it works here--for me, it just felt confusing and slightly irritating, especially after "what's this". When does the "hard metal" turn out to be a pipe?<br /><br />The sentence that starts with "Forget that the game on Friday" goes on a bit too long.<br /><br />I agree that the action feels a bit clumsy and could be improved. I also agree that the suspense is there and the hook works-nice work!<br />Dorannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79907553024219723512018-05-20T13:03:22.168-04:002018-05-20T13:03:22.168-04:00I don’t see a connection between the first paragra...I don’t see a connection between the first paragraph and the rest of the scene. Maybe begin with the second or third paragraph? <br /><br />I liked the voice, but the voice disappeared when the action began. I have no idea why someone is beating him up. Consider adding some context with an inner thought that explains why he believes someone would attack him. As it stands, it feels too random. <br /><br />This action scene feels a bit clumsy. Consider eliminating the filter words (knew, felt, etc)<br /><br />Thank you for sharing!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34827389291866799512018-05-18T16:19:57.584-04:002018-05-18T16:19:57.584-04:00Ditto above. Love the hook. Didn't like the &q...Ditto above. Love the hook. Didn't like the "mystery" of the unknown MC or narrator. Eliminate the feel and felt with action. Best of luck.GeeWizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06941244713771870949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25649746531939120042018-05-18T13:44:32.475-04:002018-05-18T13:44:32.475-04:00I, too, like the suspense you've built. My rec...I, too, like the suspense you've built. My recommendation is to get the reader even deeper into his POV by removing the "he felt" or any instance of "felt" where you can replace it with direct action. I'd definitely read more.Lannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05462978810863258660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35719853148787923342018-05-17T15:20:50.475-04:002018-05-17T15:20:50.475-04:00I love this! Great pacing and short sentences. I a...I love this! Great pacing and short sentences. I agree that I would like the MC's name so I can connect with him more, but I would definitely keep reading.sunbeam313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58596667290667091762018-05-16T19:41:56.089-04:002018-05-16T19:41:56.089-04:00Super first page. It drew me in right away and mad...Super first page. It drew me in right away and made me want to know more. I like the short, punchy sentences. I actually only have one tiny suggestion: to change "After the second blow, everything went black" to read instead, "At the second blow, everything went black." (Because going unconscious would be almost instantaneous.)Michael Lunsfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04773316964120451616noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10356846401995527392018-05-16T16:45:36.164-04:002018-05-16T16:45:36.164-04:00I agree with Ellen. I think instead of using '...I agree with Ellen. I think instead of using 'him' to identify your mc, you need his name. It makes it more personal, makes your mc more personal. As for the opening, I think it's great. We don't know who hit your mc to knock him out. Is it Reid and his gang or a total stranger? Very suspenseful. I would read on. Nice job!Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20981128088155078392018-05-16T12:49:32.095-04:002018-05-16T12:49:32.095-04:00Title! :D I'm struggling a bit with the pronou...Title! :D I'm struggling a bit with the pronoun-only identification of the MC. Others are named, and I'm not sure where to place my attention. Is there a reason you are withholding the name? Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17466909354797348403noreply@blogger.com