tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post91917811139324658..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Two (Adult Fiction) #11Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11927101504568823932014-01-24T07:55:15.137-05:002014-01-24T07:55:15.137-05:00What I like most about this is that it's the s...What I like most about this is that it's the story of a man who happens to be a basketball player, rather than about a basketball player. You're giving us the human elements of his life, rather the sport elements. I can relate to this man. If you had started with him playing basketball, it wouldn't have interested me at all.<br /><br />Like others, I wonder about the fantasy. Epic fantasy, to me, is Lord of the Rings, and not getting anything that hinted at that type of story was a bit disappointing, but I did like what was there.<br /><br />On the technical side --<br /><br />Jim waggled his head back and forth (the way his favorite wide receiver used to do after taking a ferocious hit.) AS The burble of conversation from the other guests swirled around them, peaking with an explosion of laughter from a bunch of college kids nearby.<br /><br />I'd cut what's in parentheses and add the 'as' to connect the two sentences.<br /><br />No matter what this jerk or anybody else said, Jim wasn't washed up. -- Change Jim to he.<br /><br />Jim stretched his tender knee. -- change Jim to he.<br /><br />Maybe Jim could corral him -- Maybe he could corral Eddie, <br /><br />Since Jim is the POV character, he should be 'he' and the other character should be named.<br />Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76766797885924526702014-01-23T16:49:16.299-05:002014-01-23T16:49:16.299-05:00I could buy this as urban fantasy, but epic fantas...I could buy this as urban fantasy, but epic fantasy I think Game of Thrones. The contemporary setting really threw me. <br /><br />Moving beyond that, the writing itself has a nice flow. This is a great example of the character active in the scene while showing the reader backstory in a natural way. He isn't simply staring out a window recapping his life, but actively engaged with other people in a setting that shows us what he's currently going through.<br /><br />It might work to add a hint of context--is this a party?--perhaps here: "The burble of conversation from the other [party] guests." I like the line how he flashed his smile as "the best way to slam the door on the discussion." Nice. For pacing, it might work to move up the dialogue with his brother to right after his brother is shown next to the table. The rest of the exposition about guests patting on the back seems a little redundant based on what's been stated already. <br /><br />Strong writing, I'm just scratching my head on the epic fantasy label. I want to say it got matched to the wrong entry!Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15564731494330314502014-01-22T18:28:57.180-05:002014-01-22T18:28:57.180-05:00I completely agree re the introduction of the neig...I completely agree re the introduction of the neighbor--it stopped me both times I read this. However, I absolutely LOVE your writing voice...it's breezy & hip without being self-important, and even though I don't read fantasy or sports stuff, I'd keep going with this just because I like your style. <br />lagnonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48484037824574220112014-01-22T16:19:34.429-05:002014-01-22T16:19:34.429-05:00I personally have no issue with there not being an...I personally have no issue with there not being any fantasy elements in the first two pages... I thought it was solid. Smooth language. Very readable. I wouldn't intro the neighbor in third sentence as the owner of the place next door, though. I couldn't figure out what kind of owner you meant (another condo building?) or what a jet setter would be doing at a palm beach condo. I'd expect a bald-headed senior in plaid pants named Irv. Also, I'm not clear on why there's a reception at all for this occasion--wouldn't he do a photo op announcement with a publicist present? Tho that said, I know nothing about basketball/sports in general and would not be your target audience.rab2000noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80190870359981836842014-01-22T16:18:59.803-05:002014-01-22T16:18:59.803-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Robyn Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01419207395478885010noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29549164064972025242014-01-22T13:01:25.282-05:002014-01-22T13:01:25.282-05:00I echo the other comments. I want at least a flick...I echo the other comments. I want at least a flicker of a portal to the fantasy world. And the reference to a line-backer threw me off for a second. If he's a bb player maybe stick to bb similes, metaphors, references, etc. But I like the pro athlete setup for a fantasy novel. Surprising.<br />Stellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13328578657332047837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48335245233122986652014-01-22T10:52:31.001-05:002014-01-22T10:52:31.001-05:00I like that this book says fantasy and so far ther...I like that this book says fantasy and so far there's nothing fantastical about it. But then, those are often the kinds of fantasy I like. Without setting it up as a fantasy, the main source of suspense is about whether or not he'll play basketball again, so I like that it works on that level, too. I would definitely keep reading to find out where this becomes fantastical and how, and also because Jim is an interesting character to me.you-thinhttp://www.you-think-too-much.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32470354802574459092014-01-22T10:41:29.252-05:002014-01-22T10:41:29.252-05:00I'm going to make two comments that sound cont...I'm going to make two comments that sound contradictory. I love the idea of an epic fantasy opening with this basketball player who may or may not lose his career. If I picked this book up in the bookstore and read the first two pages excepting a fantasy, though, I'd really be wondering how many more pages I'd have to read for those fantastical elements to appear.Ali Cnoreply@blogger.com