tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9194734643623341882..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: (60) YA Paranormal: Power StrugglesAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34256015014554691372012-12-04T12:24:24.965-05:002012-12-04T12:24:24.965-05:00Full!Full!Amy B.https://twitter.com/notjustanyboggsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56402626580134010692012-12-04T12:24:12.972-05:002012-12-04T12:24:12.972-05:00150!150!Amy B.https://twitter.com/notjustanyboggsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84383593690511084552012-12-04T11:27:41.649-05:002012-12-04T11:27:41.649-05:0075!75!Tricia Lawrence of Erin Murphy Literarynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28119664249003619622012-12-04T11:27:12.765-05:002012-12-04T11:27:12.765-05:0050!50!Amy B.https://twitter.com/notjustanyboggsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71668175985315918672012-12-04T11:07:36.053-05:002012-12-04T11:07:36.053-05:0025 pages25 pagesTricia Lawrence of Erin Murphy Literarynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80683253743970902742012-12-04T11:02:46.105-05:002012-12-04T11:02:46.105-05:00so, let's start this bidding at 5 pages.so, let's start this bidding at 5 pages. Victoria Marininoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8931247526882501622012-12-04T05:05:08.139-05:002012-12-04T05:05:08.139-05:00I love this concept. And I, too, especially love t...I love this concept. And I, too, especially love the line "I wish I was kidding about the dead part."- so simple and really captures the voice. Good luck! I'm rooting for this one!Samantha Véranthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07446488761214047647noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65742765756511129392012-12-03T23:16:21.673-05:002012-12-03T23:16:21.673-05:00This is breezy, self-assured writing, and I think ...This is breezy, self-assured writing, and I think it sets the stage well for this novel. I understand where I am with the main character, as well as where I’m going and why. To pull all of that off in your first 250 words, is quite remarkable.<br /><br />There are some brass tacks things I’d suggest to tighten this. Cut the air quotes bit. It’s implied, and even if it weren’t, I always find that annoying and a sign of a writer not yet comfortable with molding language to his or her will. You’re too polished for that.<br /><br />The smoking lines are pun-ny and pithy, but make sure you don’t go overkill on them. What’s smart can quickly become taxing if overdone, and it loses its impact. As the greats say, “less is more.”<br /><br />I don’t entirely get where the mind reading bit is going, though I’m sure that will pan out in future. I just threw me that the sample ended on a character outside the conversation giggling. I’d much prefer to stay in the repartee between your main character and the relentless flirt.<br /><br />And I think if you can call this sci-fi or even speculative, I’d favor that over paranormal. Paranormal’s a groan word in the industry right now, to be used sparingly. A strong start to a story with an X-men-y kind of vibe. I’d love to see where this ends up going.Alison Weisshttps://twitter.com/EgmontUSAnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34730689122603916962012-12-03T16:42:56.398-05:002012-12-03T16:42:56.398-05:00Love the concept. As others have noted, you may wa...Love the concept. As others have noted, you may want to update the teen voice a bit (ie, "dreamy.") I also felt that the first graph is more telling than showing. We don't know who the person speaking is and don't know whether to care about her. (We know from your tagline, of course.)<br /><br />I did find your tagline a bit confusing as you start with the revengeful teen, go right into the (cool) setting and then bring in the love interest. Why does she think he is involved with killing her dad? And what does the revengeful teen want to do resolve her dad's death and any consequences for doing so? I know these taglines are murder, and you have lots you want to bring in.<br /><br />I love the idea and the writing is good, IMHO.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21216165718873494572012-12-03T15:51:31.771-05:002012-12-03T15:51:31.771-05:00I like the voice in this piece, and the situation ...I like the voice in this piece, and the situation kept my attention. Great start. I'd like to find out what happens at this camp. Intriguing concept. Good luck!Dorothy Dreyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07359417869474783409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60603973171272315942012-12-03T15:14:44.684-05:002012-12-03T15:14:44.684-05:00I love this, and I would MOST DEFINITELY call it s...I love this, and I would MOST DEFINITELY call it sci-fi over paranormal. You don't want that label if you can avoid it. <br /><br />For some reason the charred jeans bothered me, and i think it's because I stopped to picture it. The rest of the details are amazing, and I'm on that bus with the characters. A trip I'd like to take! <br /><br />Great work! Myra McEntirehttp://myramcentire.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67537613502197053962012-12-03T14:03:26.914-05:002012-12-03T14:03:26.914-05:00I really love this book. The writing is very good,...I really love this book. The writing is very good, great flow, great hook. Can't wait to see it on the shelves! The only thing that makes me wonder... is how on earth did an agent not snatch you up yet??? I honestly really can't wait to read it.dominic.dinere@judiciary.state.nj.usnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69711010488710965242012-12-03T10:27:47.171-05:002012-12-03T10:27:47.171-05:00This definitely feels like a teen character - nice...This definitely feels like a teen character - nice job finding a terrific voice. I like the first line. <br /><br />Would a teen say, "toss me off?" <br /><br />Is "super dreamy" what she was actually thinking? Because that didn't seem in character for her. If she was embarrassed that he could read her thoughts, I would imagine something spunkier.<br /><br />Overall this is an excellent start!<br />Good luck in the auction.Melissa Gorzelanczykhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04949628097688877510noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89583948964824883262012-12-01T17:15:23.722-05:002012-12-01T17:15:23.722-05:00Like many others, I love the voice in this. The wr...Like many others, I love the voice in this. The writing completely hooked me. Great dialogue! I didn't have an issue with the first paragraph--it worked for me. Elizabeth Osbornehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01748522866009849915noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51471729569377453392012-12-01T11:41:12.730-05:002012-12-01T11:41:12.730-05:00You really capture the teen voice here-- I kinda w...You really capture the teen voice here-- I kinda want to smack the boy who can 'read' minds, which I'm pretty sure is what she's feeling. Like the others, I'd like it a bit more grounded in the first paragraph.<br /><br />And what is she setting on fire, anyway-- her jeans?Alainahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10343957686450599547noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46090324611916243972012-11-30T21:55:11.294-05:002012-11-30T21:55:11.294-05:00I love the voice in this! And the dialogue feels v...I love the voice in this! And the dialogue feels very authentic! <br /><br />I definitely think a little bit of setting in the first paragraph would be helpful. As someone already stated, a simple "on the bus" would suffice.<br /><br />Also, I'd like to know how she feels about going to this camp; I can't really tell by what you have here. Is she dreading it? Was she forced? Is she looking forward to it? Did she choose to go? I know it's only 250 words, but I think you could infuse a bit of emotion (bitterness/excitement) to show the reader how she's feeling.<br /><br />All in all, well done and good luck!Gianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55788122192733632682012-11-30T21:19:53.633-05:002012-11-30T21:19:53.633-05:00I'm interested right away. I agree that we nee...I'm interested right away. I agree that we need to know she's on a bus, a quick fix. I like the mystery started with the line Power. As in singular form. That means some of them probably have more.Rebecca Kagannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67179068903770605292012-11-30T16:03:35.301-05:002012-11-30T16:03:35.301-05:00Bright, fabulous voice. Great job!Bright, fabulous voice. Great job!Maureen McGowanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00494408580378817045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54816070758726968842012-11-30T16:00:48.085-05:002012-11-30T16:00:48.085-05:00So fun! I absolutely would've kept reading--yo...So fun! I absolutely would've kept reading--you've hooked me with by hinting at danger, the fact that our narrator probably has multiple powers, and the flirting scene. Nice job!Jolene Gutiérrezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074647966788702252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87628137698305568182012-11-30T15:13:05.280-05:002012-11-30T15:13:05.280-05:00I gravitate immediately toward the mention of boot...I gravitate immediately toward the mention of boot camp, because it's a cool setting, even if it doesn't always turn out how I expect.<br /><br />Once we get to the pages, I'm a little thrown by the opening. I want to be grounded a scene, and while pyromancy is certainly cool, I want to hear about the bus first. <br /><br />Then when we get to the cute boy, it seems to come out of left field. With this being first person narrative, why does she not mention that's she admiring him before he mentions that he can read her?<br /><br />That said, I agree with others: the voice is fun, with just the right hint of sarcasm, and you can relate to the character right away, which is great.<br /><br />Good luck!Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24817871887247882912012-11-30T13:18:16.344-05:002012-11-30T13:18:16.344-05:00I think the voice is terrific--speaks to the YA ta...I think the voice is terrific--speaks to the YA target market without writing down to them. I was hooked from the first line on through. I'd definitely read on. <br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00118363231070027767noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63805909844025266922012-11-30T09:59:00.523-05:002012-11-30T09:59:00.523-05:00I love the first paragraph. They are the hardest t...I love the first paragraph. They are the hardest to write, so much pressure to get the hook right out of the gate, but you did it! Can't wait to see this on the store shelf. :)Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02514969905055399620noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11122432707626807592012-11-30T09:54:53.007-05:002012-11-30T09:54:53.007-05:00I agree with the first comment about mentioning th...I agree with the first comment about mentioning the bus or perhaps "riding next to me". You stated a destination but not how they were travening until a paragraph or two later. <br /><br />I WOULD READ THIS! Great work on capturing the teens voices.Sumbeenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22952278201666298932012-11-30T09:47:37.869-05:002012-11-30T09:47:37.869-05:00I actually enjoyed the first line! It wasn't a...I actually enjoyed the first line! It wasn't aggressively trying to get my attention, like some lines where someone gets stabbed or something, and kept my attention. I think your MC's voice is killer so far. I'm assuming soon in this manuscript you get to her power, because I did a double take at the "I can read you," part, and I'd forgotten about the ability you mention in the pitch. <br /><br />Good luck!Ambiguous_Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13172859902371294367noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7461930162446539952012-11-30T09:11:31.116-05:002012-11-30T09:11:31.116-05:00I think this is really good. The writing's cle...I think this is really good. The writing's clean and easy to read, you get straight into the action, I want to know what's going to happen at the camp and there's a nice light bit of humour. Also, if I hadn't read the logline, I'd be dying to know what the MC's power is. Great job!<br /><br />The only minor suggestions I would make are (a) the genre sounds like SFF rather than paranormal, and (b) the first paragraph doesn't quite work for me, the sentences are a little staccato and it doesn't quite flow as well as the rest.<br /><br />Good luck!Tatum Flynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00074228011847976820noreply@blogger.com