tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post920064804969318210..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Those Who Go Before Us: Critique #1Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36387795167135351502009-03-04T08:09:00.000-05:002009-03-04T08:09:00.000-05:00I've just read the other comments. I'm outnumbered...I've just read the other comments. I'm outnumbered, but I've always been odd.<BR/><BR/>The hook for me was the part about plucking an event out of his childhood. I want to know what it was and what he did. Why is he remarkable? You can't be remarkable just because you're rich or lucky, there has to be more.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72220412668607326542009-03-04T07:59:00.000-05:002009-03-04T07:59:00.000-05:00I haven’t read any comment’s yet because I don’t w...I haven’t read any comment’s yet because I don’t want to get influenced until I’ve worked out my own opinion. I actually like this and I’m hooked. Anyone born this lucky would grow up bored and want to do something for excitement. If he’s a prince or something, he would probably conquer in battle or do something great.<BR/><BR/>If it wasn’t a battle then at least he wouldn’t have any hang-ups to hold him back. I would love to know if it’s possible to actually like someone this lucky and to see how he turned out. So, I’m hooked!<BR/><BR/>Now I’m going to go and read all the other comments.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70129311780803100732009-03-04T01:42:00.000-05:002009-03-04T01:42:00.000-05:00"Right was Great Saltee, wrong was Little Saltee."..."Right was Great Saltee, wrong was Little Saltee."<BR/><BR/> The use of Satlee Islands here reminds me of East Egg and West Egg, but in Ireland, which piqued my interest. I also think the voice here is really strong. I'd probably read this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74529231497431788212009-03-04T01:38:00.000-05:002009-03-04T01:38:00.000-05:00I usually don't mind omniscient POV. In my opinion...I usually don't mind omniscient POV. In my opinion, omniscient POV can be a beautiful and intriguing way to set up a story, character, or world. <BR/><BR/>However, I learned early on that it's best to avoid it, considered a no-no in the world of writing, and that it can be tricky. If it works, though, it works. Sometimes, omniscient POV is brilliant, in fact. <BR/><BR/>Personally, I wouldn't read further unless I was told it belongs to a must-read. I rely heavily on the opinions of others before I read a book, so I can forgive a less than perfect beginning if the story gets better as I read along. <BR/><BR/>Great writing, but doesn't hook me by itself.Ashley Grahamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117850734221894809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6028581829665767622009-03-03T23:52:00.000-05:002009-03-03T23:52:00.000-05:00For me, this is similar in nature to the first Har...For me, this is similar in nature to the first Harry Potter. In that, a narrator introduces Harry and his world by focusing on his future foster parents and the events of the day when Voldemor "died." Then in the later part of the chapter, we meet the two wizards influential in Harry's life. <BR/><BR/>This is the only chapter in the whole saga where Rowlings uses an omnipresent POV. The entire rest of the works are in Harry's POV.<BR/><BR/>I'm thinking this novel will be in that same pattern.danceluvrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16357250951481805093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52542187935452296682009-03-03T23:14:00.000-05:002009-03-03T23:14:00.000-05:00Didn't do anything for me. Nothing happens. It's j...Didn't do anything for me. Nothing happens. It's just telling, and I feel no connection with the character. However, I did like the third paragraph, but I don't feel compelled to read on.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49034531631227419722009-03-03T22:43:00.000-05:002009-03-03T22:43:00.000-05:00As others have said, this is telling, not showing....As others have said, this is telling, not showing. I would like to see this rewritten because the premise catches my attention. The hint of conflict about the application of values only on the surface is the strongest hook for me, but again, it's told. I understood what the writer meant and it made me want to know more.Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16681784522182360769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59788811749293215372009-03-03T21:58:00.000-05:002009-03-03T21:58:00.000-05:00The writing doesn't grab me. How can values of eq...The writing doesn't grab me. How can values of equality and justice be applied "on the surface?" That whole sentence leaves me cold. And the way the last sentence is written, it sounds like it's trying to say there wasn't a single incident to point to in his past, rather than that there was one single incident. I don't know, maybe that's just me. I'm not tempted to keep reading.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49298045617250931102009-03-03T21:21:00.000-05:002009-03-03T21:21:00.000-05:00Very clever of Authoress. I often wondered as I re...Very clever of Authoress. I often wondered as I read through the drop the needle excerpts what the reaction would be if an anonymous classic/published work was dropped into the mix.<BR/><BR/>No I haven't read it.<BR/><BR/>I like this opening. There is a simplicity to the narrator's voice that leads me to think of an elder or of a person recounting a story from a place far from my own. Simplicity is powerful. Writers like Coelho, or Hemmingway (The old man and the sea) who can convey powerful stories with simple language, language that doesn't always hold true to the contructs of convention but drips with authenticity, always draw me in.<BR/><BR/>There is a simplicity in this writing that I like, that takes me to another time, another place.<BR/><BR/>I would read on.<BR/><BR/>Joe.Joe Novellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10885086655175714405noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79064280444353653292009-03-03T19:48:00.000-05:002009-03-03T19:48:00.000-05:00All tell and no show, and by the third paragraph I...All tell and no show, and by the third paragraph I'm bored. There is no inkling yet where we are going, or that anything is at stake. Conor Broekhart is introduced in the first sentence and not a meaningful happens to him in three paragraphs. And the narrator aspect to the introduction creates distance, keeping me far from the primary character. How am I supposed to get close to him or care. At this point I'm left wondering if the story or writing ever gets better.<BR/><BR/>A simple opening sentence like: <I><B>Conor Broekhart applied another twist to the tourniquet above his knee and comtemplated his mistake</B></I>, and I'm in. One sentence and there is tension, we see what's at stake, and we know thing about the character - he's capable of taking care of himself, cool headed, and possibly in a dangerous line of work.Cravenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00430626765231636800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61486663574486370052009-03-03T17:32:00.000-05:002009-03-03T17:32:00.000-05:00I like the distinctiveness of the narration - "Rig...I like the distinctiveness of the narration - "Right was Great Saltee, wrong was Little Saltee". I get a sense of who Conor is and the place where we're about to go. <BR/><BR/>By the third paragraph I feel myself wandering. The opening has been rolling along in the same tone and keeps on promising something remarkable, but it's starting to feel dragged out wihtout a payoff.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1784738024998786032009-03-03T17:30:00.000-05:002009-03-03T17:30:00.000-05:00I haven't read the other comments, but I don't min...I haven't read the other comments, but I don't mind this. It seems like the kind of opening that's been done before, but it isn't bad. There are some redundancies ("nature is usually grudging with her gifts' means the exact same thing as the following phrase, 'dispensing them sparingly').<BR/><BR/>I think this is probably some kind of literary novel, maybe YA or maybe not. I'd give it a shot. What would probably make me give it a chance or not would be knowing what the plot was about.Anna Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08774415814789806840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80615685298814554892009-03-03T17:01:00.000-05:002009-03-03T17:01:00.000-05:00The telling rather than showing made me think this...The telling rather than showing made me think this was a short story rather than a novel. The Saltee didn't bother me as much as it did make me curious. I think it's the final paragraph that hooked me here with the mention of a palace.<BR/><BR/>I would read on, out of curiosity.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22675204536660389152009-03-03T16:54:00.000-05:002009-03-03T16:54:00.000-05:00Sorry! (LOL) And really, it is fun. Okay. With thi...Sorry! (LOL) And really, it is fun. <BR/><BR/>Okay. With this opening, I'd read on, but I agree it's all back story. More thoughts on this later...Samanthahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09231706346312491242noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38792452413823781872009-03-03T16:52:00.000-05:002009-03-03T16:52:00.000-05:00I'm on the "not hooked" bandwagon, too. If everyt...I'm on the "not hooked" bandwagon, too. If everything is so perfect for Conor, the reader is left thinking, "okay, so then why should I care about his trials and tribulations if everything is perfect in his life?" Also, I've never been a fan of author omniscent POV--give me a protagonist/antagonist and action right off the bat, not lead up into the actual story.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3975984024674845822009-03-03T16:42:00.000-05:002009-03-03T16:42:00.000-05:00Shshshshsh slhastings...don't spoil the fun! ;)Shshshshsh slhastings...don't spoil the fun! ;)Authoresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38751053733123673142009-03-03T16:29:00.000-05:002009-03-03T16:29:00.000-05:00Didn't like this much at all. The only line I sor...Didn't like this much at all. The only line I sort of liked was 'There it is. The boy who became the man.' and that only because it finally felt like there was some 'motion' to the utter lack of action in this hook-less 'hook.'Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54703254253873188602009-03-03T16:27:00.000-05:002009-03-03T16:27:00.000-05:00I agree with Ann E. Bryson -- use the third paragr...I agree with Ann E. Bryson -- use the third paragraph as the opening and then get to the event! That would hook me. <BR/><BR/>However, I still feel conflicted about the POV and Person -- don't know if I like the current. It feels too distant. Unless the narrator has a very large stake in the outcome of the main conflict -- assuming there is a main conflict -- I will be bored if I am not in Connor's POV.Elizabeth Lundhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09225460715942282133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10799909574935119562009-03-03T15:36:00.000-05:002009-03-03T15:36:00.000-05:00The Great Saltee stuff threw me out, too. And tha...The Great Saltee stuff threw me out, too. And that last paragraph felt like it cancelled itself out. First, the narrator claims that there were certain events that might shed light on who this man is. Then he goes on to say that hindsight is unreliable (which really confuses me because that saying about hindsight being 20/20 fits more for me). THEN he goes on to say that MAYBE there was one event PERHAPS which was influential. The passive language really threw me. <BR/><BR/>The writing did set a tone, though. So I might give it another page before giving up.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34814167014967219862009-03-03T14:33:00.000-05:002009-03-03T14:33:00.000-05:00There are some hints that Connor's world is not as...There are some hints that Connor's world is not as perfect as it appears to me. Still, the telling, wordy voice, and lack of conflict turned me off before I got to the incident at the palace.Sandra Ulbrich Almazanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15365908651235829765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70521795594967053642009-03-03T14:29:00.000-05:002009-03-03T14:29:00.000-05:00The third paragraph should be the first and the ot...The third paragraph should be the first and the others can be omitted. I'm not hooked by the flat character. Also, the Saltee sentence was confusing, and it gave no insights into the story.Ann Brysonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06003635203935638760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10504590186210595632009-03-03T14:17:00.000-05:002009-03-03T14:17:00.000-05:00Not hooked at all. The whole piece was passive and...Not hooked at all. The whole piece was passive and backstory. Also telling. <BR/>Nothing in this piece grabbed me and made me want to read further. I often do, I always give authors a few pages at least to grab me. But if I picked this up in a bookstore, I would set it back on the shelf.Sarah Jensenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18385403676603047861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8344060436175110502009-03-03T14:07:00.000-05:002009-03-03T14:07:00.000-05:00Conflicted... Because this is all backstory. But I...Conflicted... Because this is all backstory. But I like it. <BR/><BR/>Ok - the hook line at the end would be quite enough to make me turn the page and read on. An incident at a palace. :)Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4886069521884894222009-03-03T13:48:00.000-05:002009-03-03T13:48:00.000-05:00I might keep reading if I knew what the book was b...I might keep reading if I knew what the book was bout, but for now I would probably pass. I'm intrigued by the "Saltee" lines. That is the only thing that would keep me reading to find out what they meant.<BR/><BR/>Not sure I like the telling voice, either. I'm always afraid the whole book might feel that way when it starts out using that device. I might read a little bit further to see where it goes.Michelle D. Argylehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09696465137285587646noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32273322441110295652009-03-03T13:36:00.000-05:002009-03-03T13:36:00.000-05:00Connor may be remarkable, but unfortunately, this ...Connor may be remarkable, but unfortunately, this writing isn't. The author states that the talents of his ancestors had been bestowed on him - and then lists "strong features" as one of these talents. Strong features aren't ancestral talents, well, unless your ancestors are the Muppets.<BR/><BR/>And the way I read it, the author implies that poverty and violence muddy a strong belief in right and wrong. That's quite the assumption, and either needs more support or a re-write.<BR/><BR/>And lastly, the author writes: "hindsight is an unreliable science." No it isn't; hindsight is not a science at all. Unless that's some sort of supernatural premise the author intends to explore further. In which case, that should be made clear from the get-go.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com