tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post967919636018919082..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #38Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47769995391964504242013-05-10T12:55:14.978-04:002013-05-10T12:55:14.978-04:00Good writing! Really like the MC’s external and in...Good writing! Really like the MC’s external and internal banter. I agree with many of the above comments. <br /><br />My nits: <br />“My eyebrows shot up in wry amusement.” (Not sure someone should describe their own expression.) <br /><br />“Her hand drags up my chest.” (If her hand is in a stop position, I couldn’t picture it dragging up. Slides?)<br /><br />“...it is her lips commanding mine.” (It’s. Could put “her” in italics.)<br /><br />“...tongues tangle around each other.” (Like Stepshso, I wanted an emotion or a sensory detail following this. Something to draw out the moment.)<br /><br />“Like a spell that has been broken, before I can form some plan of action, she pushes me away with a surprising amount of strength.” (Using JC McDowell's suggestion, here's mine: The spell is broken and with a surprising amount of strength, she pushes me away.)<br /><br />“We are out of breath. I can’t wipe the triumphant grin off my face.” (She’s just as breathless as me, and I can’t wipe the triumphant grin off my face.)<br /><br />“She takes in one final fill of oxygen, and says with force, ‘You get one free pass Jeremy, and that was it.’” (Mention his emotion after this line?? Still amused, or starting to get annoyed as his next line could suggest?)<br /><br />Good tension!! I'd read more.MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73877931271324459582013-05-08T09:38:32.405-04:002013-05-08T09:38:32.405-04:00I really enjoy the way these characters tango for ...I really enjoy the way these characters tango for control. I agree with Lucie's comments on the lack of contraction action; that felt awkward.<br /><br />Great stuff!Bonnie Staringhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15617661715759556106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71159052361031833192013-05-07T20:06:21.859-04:002013-05-07T20:06:21.859-04:00I love this. The writing is smooth and the charact...I love this. The writing is smooth and the characters are well formed, in the brief scene you can get a good glimpse at who they are.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04309008900064909156noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15283072423046928332013-05-07T19:43:12.590-04:002013-05-07T19:43:12.590-04:00I enjoyed the male POV here, someone above called ...I enjoyed the male POV here, someone above called him roguish and I think that is perfect.<br /><br />Please keep in mind this could be a style thing that you don't want to change (i.e. this is just my opinion) but this whole thing had a humorous, modern feel to it and the lack of contractions didn't seem to go with that tone. It is all a game/We are out of breath/like a spell that has been broken would have flowed better for me as It's all a game/we're out of breath/like a spell that's been broken.<br /><br />Grammar police, if that just ain't right, y'all feel free to correct me :)Lucie Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14264955173236317686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49939629808302256522013-05-07T17:29:56.602-04:002013-05-07T17:29:56.602-04:00The personalities are really clear here. Found it ...The personalities are really clear here. Found it a fun read. Love the ending line from her.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14324491231695823916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73232570880791546902013-05-07T15:48:02.825-04:002013-05-07T15:48:02.825-04:00Just wanted to let everyone know that the real exc...Just wanted to let everyone know that the real excerpt is more explicit, and bumped up with more sexual tension for sure. Had to PG-13 rate it for submission ;) oh_alexhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09701694941699337355noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28014965286123113632013-05-07T15:37:31.970-04:002013-05-07T15:37:31.970-04:00Great humor! I really couldn't find much to fa...Great humor! I really couldn't find much to fault, but do agree ratcheting up the sexual tension between your two characters would probably make me read this excerpt twice as fast ;)zolosolohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15330948524013339225noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45346073462929273882013-05-07T13:56:42.799-04:002013-05-07T13:56:42.799-04:00Some great comments above, I won't repeat. I a...Some great comments above, I won't repeat. I am a fan of the elevator interruption, and specifically the *ping*. I would suggest adding a little more tension or detail to that line right before, so the interruption feels more impactful. <br /><br />Nice work!Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40439161811812336942013-05-07T13:17:03.626-04:002013-05-07T13:17:03.626-04:00I really liked this one. :) You get a sense of the...I really liked this one. :) You get a sense of their personalities and their relationship. Nicely done.Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51739574874703975102013-05-07T10:43:28.954-04:002013-05-07T10:43:28.954-04:00I love this. I especially love the sentence "...I love this. I especially love the sentence "I can feel her rewarding grin against my mouth."<br /><br />And I guess that since this appears to be geared towards adults, you can add a bit more sexual description in it, assuming you're comfortable with that.:)<br /><br /><br />Love this.:)Rebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15525362690272102453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17797330571942330402013-05-07T10:05:34.223-04:002013-05-07T10:05:34.223-04:00I love the whole forbidden attraction bit, and, of...I love the whole forbidden attraction bit, and, of course, it's the woman trying to pull away.<br /><br />I would love a smidge more sexual emotion since it is from a male's POV. I would also think of switching the sentence around after the "Ping". Show her pushing him away first before describing the force of the push. It would seem more immediate. <br /><br />Having said that, I loved it, and I love the attraction between these two.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09658372446873526566noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85570487195646809402013-05-07T09:20:24.714-04:002013-05-07T09:20:24.714-04:00I like the interplay between the two characters, t...I like the interplay between the two characters, the exchnage of who has the upper hand and when. That was well done and your MC comes off as kind of rogue-ish (but not dickish) which i like.<br /><br />Some of the writing could be cleaned up, though to make this really pop. I noticed a few instances of the MC "feel"ing things. "I feel myself start to lean in" "I feel it like static electricity". This kind of filtering pulled me out of the narrative some.<br />And i had to read this line more than once "What surprises me is that it is her lips commanding mine." to figure out what you meant.<br /><br />Also, and this is totally a personal preference, i am not a big fan on tongue descriptions in kiss scenes. It kind of grosses me out, thinking about tongues tangling. BUT! Again, personal preferrence. Your mileage may vary.<br /><br />Good job!Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27204178421985030672013-05-07T09:16:58.831-04:002013-05-07T09:16:58.831-04:00I think perhaps there needs to be a little more of...I think perhaps there needs to be a little more of that chemical tension in this throughout. It's a male POV and men are incredibly visual, so they will focus not so much on feelings but on what they see. Do you think perhaps that he gets a little too far with her at this point? Sometimes the merest graze of lips and slight hint of parting could be more intense and exciting than the full-on tongue-tangling which happens here. If you're building towards a climax, teasing the reader with the first kiss can take the tension to a higher level, without giving too much too soon...C. M. Rosenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10732209188950803732noreply@blogger.com