tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1024796871292776752..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent Contest #34Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38709387557695646042018-03-12T14:20:46.210-04:002018-03-12T14:20:46.210-04:00Thank you for the feedback! She is still trying to...Thank you for the feedback! She is still trying to wake up so I'll have to add that. And I guess I need to read If I Stay. I haven't read it yet so I never considered it as a comp title.Niki Cluffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13043756539662188797noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80911874952049294102018-03-12T14:18:20.246-04:002018-03-12T14:18:20.246-04:00Thank you for the feedback. This makes me so happy...Thank you for the feedback. This makes me so happy! And I'll work on making the voice stronger in the beginning.Niki Cluffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13043756539662188797noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60666985788197254752018-03-11T08:14:18.244-04:002018-03-11T08:14:18.244-04:00I love this idea so much. I can imagine the MC lyi...I love this idea so much. I can imagine the MC lying in bed unable to communicate with parents or anyone else. The only probably I had was with her reaction to the situation. I think maybe we weren't given enough info on the MC's emotional response to the coma. She's snarky for sure but is she resigned to being in a coma now or is she still trying to wake herself? I think it's good we have questions. I think you've done a nice job with this. It reminds me of If I Stay. Best of luck! Author Dawn Brazilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17266576901266161844noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18830309860929417422018-03-09T00:41:39.642-05:002018-03-09T00:41:39.642-05:00Thank you for the feedback. I'll see if I can ...Thank you for the feedback. I'll see if I can work her age in their somehow. It didn't feel organic when I was editing it, so I left it as is. I appreciate the feedback though.Niki Cluffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13043756539662188797noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2537172264893467912018-03-09T00:40:01.358-05:002018-03-09T00:40:01.358-05:00Thank you for the feedback and you're right. I...Thank you for the feedback and you're right. I always feel silly reading it out loud, but I definitely need to!Niki Cluffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13043756539662188797noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47160608598982806292018-03-08T09:42:12.802-05:002018-03-08T09:42:12.802-05:00Really cool hook here! I’m intrigued to see what ...Really cool hook here! I’m intrigued to see what happens next and I hope that we leave the hospital room and enter into whatever world/place the patient is in quickly because I’m super curious about what is keeping her in a coma (I’m imagining that the darkness is the thing that’s keeping her there). I did wonder a little about the patient’s tone. If it’s been nine months and she knows that something is keeping her in a coma and she’s been confined to the corners of her mind, has she given up? She sounds resigned, which is fair, but I’m just curious. Is she fighting? Is she still trying to wiggle a finger or let her parents know she can hear them? Is she fighting the darkness? So lots of cool questions raised!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71187505709741468032018-03-08T09:15:58.876-05:002018-03-08T09:15:58.876-05:00I feel the tension right away. I agree though that...I feel the tension right away. I agree though that some sentences are a bit awkward as they are currently written. Certainly reading them out loud is a great way to help 'hear' the sentence. And important sentences like the big reveal need to give a lot of power and should be written cleanly. I wonder how old our heroine is? Is there a way you can add this? it will help me identify with her knowing if her 'voice' matches her age. Also, is it the 'darkness' that won't let her go? I love the idea that 'something' is keeping her in the coma...I'd read more!Author Vanessahttp://www.vanessashields.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72779858703059019992018-03-07T14:18:58.432-05:002018-03-07T14:18:58.432-05:00Ooo, this gave me a good case of the shudders. I c...Ooo, this gave me a good case of the shudders. I can imagine the main character's plight all too easily, unable to move while she hears everyone talking around her. I'm wondering if most of the book will take place with her in this situation. Hard to pull off, but intriguing to try.<br /><br />A few phrasings seem a little awkward. The sentence beginning "He lacks the sincerity" is very long, and by the end of it I've forgotten how it started, or what "needs" is referring to. If you could rephrase it so there's fewer clauses within clauses, it would be more comprehensible. I would personally like the big reveal sentence to be flipped into "I am the child that will never wake up," but that's just my preference. Sometimes it's helpful to read a passage aloud to see if the phrasing flows the way you want it. <br /><br />Good luck!Matrilhttp://cynthiaailshie.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com