tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1051065924048517304..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: 32 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15993319023532214912009-11-08T07:52:59.941-05:002009-11-08T07:52:59.941-05:00I agree that this feels over-written. I would try ...I agree that this feels over-written. I would try to cut back on the descriptors - they tend to distract the reader from the action. <br /><br />I also felt that some of the sentences were phrased awkwardly. <br />The very first line is a good example. <br />'Gray toiled in the hot afternoon sun, on his knees among the rhododendrons, for what might have been a month.'<br /><br />This just didn't roll off the tongue smoothly.<br /><br />Be careful of your punctuation too. I'm not sure that you are using colons and semi colons accurately. Some of the sentences seemed unduly complex.<br /><br />Not much is happening yet, but the appearance and speech patterns of the little girl are sufficently intriguing for me to read on a little more.Cheryl Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11270513035473727341noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35008331278594154042009-11-06T17:43:10.630-05:002009-11-06T17:43:10.630-05:00Hmm . . . I think there might be something going o...Hmm . . . I think there might be something going on here, but the first paragraphs are so wordy that I lost interest. I skimmed through it and read the ending then had to go back and read the rest because the ending interested me. LOLjustJoanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10377292351547511489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6877161416597964422009-11-05T17:47:27.656-05:002009-11-05T17:47:27.656-05:00This feels overwritten to me. Part of this might b...This feels overwritten to me. Part of this might be the style, but I think it could be tightened and smoothed overall. Also, watch out for overusing -ly adverbs.<br /> <br />I liked the description of the girl and her dialogue.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18238386418289854072009-11-05T15:25:15.693-05:002009-11-05T15:25:15.693-05:00Hooked. I have faith there is a reason Gray doesn&...Hooked. I have faith there is a reason Gray doesn't know how long he has been there. I'm dying to know who the girl is.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74943659714826726062009-11-05T10:40:19.688-05:002009-11-05T10:40:19.688-05:00I like it. I'd read on. I'm intriued to ...I like it. I'd read on. I'm intriued to know where he is and why the customs are unfamiliar to him.B.Loisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51653218477869817352009-11-05T00:39:01.998-05:002009-11-05T00:39:01.998-05:00I'm not entirely sure what is going on here, b...I'm not entirely sure what is going on here, but I am interested enough to want to know what comes next.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58311594667048598202009-11-04T20:25:25.594-05:002009-11-04T20:25:25.594-05:00I like it, particularly the last bit of dialogue. ...I like it, particularly the last bit of dialogue. I'd read on.<br /><br />I'm not sure how I feel about some of the puncuation. As a rule, I like dashes and I realize they add to the voice, but I'm not convinced they are the best choice in the paragraph where he sees the girl for the first time.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30869907049655572522009-11-04T18:31:55.689-05:002009-11-04T18:31:55.689-05:00I had three issues with this one. One was the mont...I had three issues with this one. One was the month in the garden bed--doesn't he know? Two was the "She was of middling height"-- what is middling height? I feel stupid. Three is the Petite-Bretagn--I don't know what that is, either. <br /><br />However, I like the hint of the premise. I think some tightening of the action and making it clear she's from another time would be great.SCGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-92037406381291240082009-11-04T16:58:35.196-05:002009-11-04T16:58:35.196-05:00Too many adverbs.
I'd also cut the dialogue a...Too many adverbs.<br /><br />I'd also cut the dialogue and push it back a page or so. Give more background of the time period so our minds can prepare for the typical dialogue spoken in that time.<br /><br />Do that, and I would read on. Good luck!KJMomnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55314530945235513132009-11-04T16:18:07.154-05:002009-11-04T16:18:07.154-05:00I wanted to like this, but the first paragraph had...I wanted to like this, but the first paragraph had real problems. Why doesn’t he know how long he’s been in the flower bed? Just say if felt like a month, don’t get fancy. It doesn’t help that you also have the word ‘might’ in the third line, too. Stuff like this drives me nuts.<br />Also be aware that if one of your characters speaks very strangely, it’s going to make it hard to like her, and it might be hard for you to do consistently.<br />Good try. Keep revising.Momwomannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27787818271543140282009-11-04T14:06:17.588-05:002009-11-04T14:06:17.588-05:00I'd keep reading. Curious about the girl and ...I'd keep reading. Curious about the girl and the Long Vacation, and sympathetic with the gardener; and I like the descriptions.Joannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60923335797675141252009-11-04T13:10:25.595-05:002009-11-04T13:10:25.595-05:00Hate to say it but this moved me not at all. He h...Hate to say it but this moved me not at all. He hates gardening and talks to a girl who speaks like she's from another dimension. I've got no interest in reading any further.Travenerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05160810997837674165noreply@blogger.com