tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1200708957029463487..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle: Death #11Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1925202008002906882020-09-24T09:17:53.111-04:002020-09-24T09:17:53.111-04:00nice!
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I lo...I also thought the rhino would know blood. <br /><br />I love the idea with this story and the writing is good. More emotion--fear, anger, pain--would really improve this.Ann Brysonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06003635203935638760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15704311342080685842010-06-10T09:17:58.941-04:002010-06-10T09:17:58.941-04:00"he was covered with holes that were leaking ..."he was covered with holes that were leaking dark sticky liquid" might be more powerful as something like "holes leaking dark sticky liquid covered his torso."<br /><br />Before this starts, does the boy know the rhino has been shot? If not, for MG, I think you might want to make that a bit clearer, a little more concrete. <br /><br />other than that, there's nothing that jumps out at me. good job.Sarah N Fiskhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15336889385096937607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86553951067603368542010-06-09T20:15:16.441-04:002010-06-09T20:15:16.441-04:00I agree that you could make the emotion more visce...I agree that you could make the emotion more visceral - with just a few extra words - but I do love the concept and think the writing is good.Robin Lemkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12254896327174187893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45855260973018220462010-06-09T16:07:23.488-04:002010-06-09T16:07:23.488-04:00Very imaginative--a boy who can get into animals&#...Very imaginative--a boy who can get into animals' minds! I like that!<br /><br />This scene is very immediate and easy to visualize. I did wonder why the boy/rhino couldn't identify the blood as blood--they've surely had experiences of it before--but could identify the rhino's horn as a horn.<br /><br />I liked the resonance between the engine roar when the boy loses his father and the road of the saw when the rhino loses his horn.<br /><br />Lovely writing!joankrhttp://www.writersinthevirtualsky.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49376520749839556462010-06-09T11:25:40.021-04:002010-06-09T11:25:40.021-04:00The piece describes a death scene from the MC'...The piece describes a death scene from the MC's POV, but it doesn't show any of his emotions, IMO. Is he scared? Confused? Angry? <br /><br />Aside from the pain of his horn being cut off, I couldn't tell if he could feel what the rhino is feeling throughout the ordeal. If you could work in more of the rhino/MC's emotions I think this scene would really resonate.fairchildnoreply@blogger.com