tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1285573630650781842..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 13 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55635138132409761942009-03-22T17:13:00.000-04:002009-03-22T17:13:00.000-04:00I had no idea until I reread it that it was YA--I ...I had no idea until I reread it that it was YA--I assumed it was adult. I'll admit I'm not terribly keen on treasure hunts or Arizona, but thinking objectively, I was having issues with the dialogue. Not bad ones, but I was concerned that they would end up stilted and less exciting than I would like.<BR/><BR/>I'd read on, but i'd need a pretty quick wow. Sorry.<BR/><BR/>SAAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88965160159278162212009-03-21T16:55:00.000-04:002009-03-21T16:55:00.000-04:00I'd read on to see where this is going. I'm not to...I'd read on to see where this is going. I'm not totally hooked though but that might just be personal preference (adventure isn't something I usually read). I like the Dutchman and the question about why he fears the encounter of F. and A.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25491935413267548802009-03-21T15:27:00.000-04:002009-03-21T15:27:00.000-04:00I must say that after Jeannine explained it all, I...I must say that after Jeannine explained it all, I re-read the excerpt, and it made much more sense. But I must admit, I didn't catch most of the subtleties the first couple times I tried to read it. This might say more about me than your words though :)<BR/><BR/>I do think you've asked too many story questions on this first page. It's a bit overwhelming. But I would read on.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42412345597441706192009-03-21T14:54:00.000-04:002009-03-21T14:54:00.000-04:00I love a treasure hunt. I love Arizona. I'm hooked...I love a treasure hunt. I love Arizona. I'm hooked. I especially liked that I inferred Abby is not a normal girl and I want to see how she figures into the story. <BR/><BR/>I like that Felippa is a stable hand used to work, and evidently Hispanic, while he's not, but they're going to get together anyway. That's good. These few words offer a hint of better things to come, with love, hidden treasure and his sister, Abby. <BR/><BR/>But, the first paragraph, while good to know, needs to come after we meet the MC and Felippa. You can slip it in as you go and it won't seem like a travelog or prolog.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7392472815879144172009-03-20T11:47:00.000-04:002009-03-20T11:47:00.000-04:00For me, the characters are clearly drawn...a nerdy...For me, the characters are clearly drawn...a nerdy shy kid, maybe 12 or 13, with a camera who is wowed by this girl and doesn't have a clue how to be comfortable with her. I see a first crush coming,<BR/><BR/>I have a strong physical image of the girl, including a red T-shirt, her riding pants showing horses even before she mentions them. She seems forward/outgoing/confident, the opposite of the MC.<BR/><BR/>the first paragraph establishes seeting in Arizona and the heat. <BR/><BR/>There's a promise of treasure and adventure and I'm curious how the shy, probably nonathletic kid is going to go after it...because you know he will. <BR/><BR/>And then there's the sister. Something's up with her and that also draws me on to the next page. <BR/><BR/>In 250 words there's setting, 2 viable characaters, the mystery of a third and the prospect of buried treasure...works for me.<BR/><BR/>It probably helps that I'm from Arizona too and know this legend well!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51527187301547035412009-03-19T23:00:00.000-04:002009-03-19T23:00:00.000-04:00I'm afraid I'm not hooked. I'm having trouble wit...I'm afraid I'm not hooked. I'm having trouble with the age. "Another crazed gold hunter" sounds older. These characters seemed the wrong age to be hunting for treasure. It has potential but I think it needs to be reworked.Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16681784522182360769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4867679105174004902009-03-19T21:55:00.000-04:002009-03-19T21:55:00.000-04:00I'm a little on the fence about this one. I don't ...I'm a little on the fence about this one. I don't dislike it, but overall I'm not that gripped either. I'm intrigued by the Abby thing, though, so I'd read on to find out more about it - so, kind of hooked?!McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43913747324500245462009-03-19T18:16:00.000-04:002009-03-19T18:16:00.000-04:00Sorry, but I’m a little lost here. There’s no tra...Sorry, but I’m a little lost here. There’s no transitions between thoughts, printed words, or character arrival/dialogue. I remember this from previous SA contests, and still don’t think the story is starting where it needs to—with action or something occurring to change the course of the MC’s life. Right now, all he’s doing is reading a book. Not very exciting, IMHO.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76126117499791566142009-03-18T19:47:00.000-04:002009-03-18T19:47:00.000-04:00I liked the opening, but I live in Phoenix and kno...I liked the opening, but I live in Phoenix and know about the Lost Dutchman, so I may be biased. I'm curious about Abby-- why will Felipa have a strong reaction when they meet? I like that he wants to take her picture but doesn't, and I like that he talks about her eyes without sentimentality. I'd keep reading.sonjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08631391506006475925noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81380001359286275132009-03-18T17:27:00.000-04:002009-03-18T17:27:00.000-04:00It's all good fun until somebody gets cursed. ;)On...It's all good fun until somebody gets cursed. ;)<BR/><BR/>One nit...<BR/><BR/>I'd cut the "I am" from Paul's dialog. In natural speaking, he'd probably only answer the last question or two.H. L. Dyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11054946734073372817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43192512515635684422009-03-18T14:42:00.000-04:002009-03-18T14:42:00.000-04:00I liked how you started with the mysterious curse ...I liked how you started with the mysterious curse of the Lost Dutchman. Very cool.<BR/><BR/>For the first three paragraphs, though, I thought Paul was already in the mountains on his adventure to find the Lost Dutchman. Then later I realized he was at the ranch. So that threw me. I'd recommend establishing your setting a little earlier.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14174984023086255056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47764347375264008602009-03-18T13:31:00.000-04:002009-03-18T13:31:00.000-04:00One thought here - I got the idea that Felipa is D...One thought here - I got the idea that Felipa is David's age. Which would make her 11-13 (?). My think is she sounds mature for somebody that age.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34094065189928196432009-03-18T12:53:00.000-04:002009-03-18T12:53:00.000-04:00The promise of a hunt for lost treasure is a nice ...The promise of a hunt for lost treasure is a nice way to begin an adventure. But I think the reader may be more excited if this is tightened a bit. Perhaps we don't need to know the specifics in the second paragraph until later. And Paul's response could be narrowed down to his question about his sister, which is definitely the most interesting part of it. Is he worried about the bad impression his sister might make, or something she might say about him? It made me curious.<BR/><BR/>Searching for treasure, maybe with horses involved, sounds like my kind of story. Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com