tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1407022850601592615..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: F2S 58Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85985503281438022272008-12-04T09:51:00.000-05:002008-12-04T09:51:00.000-05:00Hmmm, yeah, I’ll bite. I’m intrigued enough to ask...Hmmm, yeah, I’ll bite. I’m intrigued enough to ask what the meetings are for and who these angry intruders are. It sounds like a physical attack, which could be interesting and if I had to guess, I would think they were not of the human sort. Good hook.Anette J Kreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7493974028654125392008-12-04T09:28:00.000-05:002008-12-04T09:28:00.000-05:00The "had been" threw me out right away. I also fin...The "had been" threw me out right away. I also find this a bit too vague and rudderless. Depending upon your POV character and where this is going, you could create tension and suspense by mentioning some small, extraordinary detail of the meeting (a clock ticking like a bomb, the eerie quiet just before the attack, a particularly forceful line of dialogue, etc.). Or, you could just start with the invaders rushing into the meeting, which would give you an opportunity to SHOW the element of surprise and fury they had on their side.<BR/><BR/>I suspect these two lines make perfect sense to someone who knows the story, but they're just a bit too close to the vest for those of us who don't -- either a smidgen too early or too late in the scene, IMO.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05740371055384281988noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1431597418095684492008-12-03T23:53:00.000-05:002008-12-03T23:53:00.000-05:00Not hooked yet, sorry. There's no sense of a narr...Not hooked yet, sorry. There's no sense of a narrator at all, and the first line is all backstory, not present tension.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32554430267692826162008-12-03T23:26:00.000-05:002008-12-03T23:26:00.000-05:00I feel like I'm in the middle of the story and hav...I feel like I'm in the middle of the story and have missed something, rather than the beginning. I might read on a little more to see if it keeps my attention. But these two don't interest me enough alone.Bethlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00399849555406133310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15772044255213095992008-12-03T20:46:00.000-05:002008-12-03T20:46:00.000-05:00I'm assuming this involves creatures? I think you ...I'm assuming this involves creatures? I think you could clarify, or just state what's going on as the vagueness is putting me off.<BR/><BR/>I might read on to find out who the intruders are and what kind of meeting is taking place.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65430463758253201912008-12-03T19:06:00.000-05:002008-12-03T19:06:00.000-05:00Based on the first two sentences, I'd start out wi...Based on the first two sentences, I'd start out with action. Show the fury and surprise. Don't tell us.<BR/><BR/>You need a more exciting word than interruptions.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85162317285707623582008-12-03T17:28:00.000-05:002008-12-03T17:28:00.000-05:00"and surprise" <- I think you meant &..."and surprise" <- I think you meant 'element of surprise'. <BR/><BR/>I sat here for a second wondering how surprise and fury went together in a good way. <BR/><BR/>I would read on a little bit to see who's been meeting at Coney Island.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89897156847749662372008-12-03T17:15:00.000-05:002008-12-03T17:15:00.000-05:00Too much tell, not enough to make me care. And WTF...Too much tell, not enough to make me care. And WTF font?JS Bangshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09380732454877495290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46167363288609263442008-12-03T16:55:00.000-05:002008-12-03T16:55:00.000-05:00Just open with the attack.Just open with the attack.Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47093949266030339222008-12-03T15:48:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:48:00.000-05:00The wording is odd and weakens the writing, but th...The wording is odd and weakens the writing, but the voice is fun and I'd read a bit more before deciding.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15772115162429818530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64131615744425713332008-12-03T14:58:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:58:00.000-05:00Oh, and the original and inestimable Miss Snark al...Oh, and the original and inestimable Miss Snark always said never to use "had been"; just say "were" or something similar.Anna Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08774415814789806840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1609557230873410122008-12-03T14:57:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:57:00.000-05:00Erm...it might be more of a grab if you'd clarify ...Erm...it might be more of a grab if you'd clarify 'interruptions' with a more exciting word, like "attacks" or "kidnappings" or whatever works with your story. The first sentence is just so vague.Anna Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08774415814789806840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1070457490256087442008-12-03T14:56:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:56:00.000-05:00I don't think these sentences are worded to their ...I don't think these sentences are worded to their best advantage. There is some key information presented but it's coming across rather muddled. Maybe try some rewording.Casey Somethinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17596079290053524103noreply@blogger.com