tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1510150019731084704..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: FS35Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2086955494407669802009-04-03T16:53:00.000-04:002009-04-03T16:53:00.000-04:00Sorry, I'd pass. I'm not a fan of being given a 3r...Sorry, I'd pass. I'm not a fan of being given a 3rd person POV direct thought before the POV has been established. Give me some setting first, or some introspection, or it means nothing to me. It feels like it should be important, and I'm missing out on why it's important. I want to know what's going on before you drop something like this on me, so I can feel his aginy when he has the thought. The soonest something like this should crop up is at the end of the first paragraph IMO. <BR/><BR/>FredAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79053012367301382782009-04-03T00:30:00.000-04:002009-04-03T00:30:00.000-04:00Well, I like this and I'd read further to see who ...Well, I like this and I'd read further to see who was chasing her.danceluvrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16357250951481805093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87155194624907344272009-04-02T17:00:00.000-04:002009-04-02T17:00:00.000-04:00'By the goddesses' sounds a bit Monty Pythonish to...'By the goddesses' sounds a bit Monty Pythonish to me. If I thought it was intended to be humorous, I would read on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19884945476773795732009-04-02T10:19:00.000-04:002009-04-02T10:19:00.000-04:00Sorry, doesn't grab me.Sorry, doesn't grab me.puzzlehousenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22242794196261161772009-04-02T00:03:00.000-04:002009-04-02T00:03:00.000-04:00I'm intrigued. The title gives me enough referenc...I'm intrigued. The title gives me enough reference to place the setting, and the voice and word choice mirror that. I;m intrigued and would read on.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30368905204133643112009-04-01T22:51:00.000-04:002009-04-01T22:51:00.000-04:00Hmmm...if he's actually trying to avoid her, and n...Hmmm...if he's actually <I>trying</I> to avoid her, and not succeeding...and you continue the story without it getting confusing, like this sentence verges on...then I like it. But the next sentence would have to be really, really clear and easy to understand.Kathleen MacIverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02263212018219137277noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60746670974655689002009-04-01T22:23:00.000-04:002009-04-01T22:23:00.000-04:00The goddess reference was enough to ensure I'd kee...The goddess reference was enough to ensure I'd keep going, at least for the rest of the page, but there is something stilted about the wording.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90498892132436522342009-04-01T22:16:00.000-04:002009-04-01T22:16:00.000-04:00Did they really talk like that in Sparta? Or is t...Did they really talk like that in Sparta? Or is this more of an Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra version? Hmmmm....I don't think I'm hooked because I'm not convinced this is going to be authentic. That said, I'm an Elizabeth Taylor fan, so maybe the next few sentences would persuade me.PCBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18958980496085345032009-04-01T19:13:00.000-04:002009-04-01T19:13:00.000-04:00*resists valiantly against making "300" comments* ...*resists valiantly against making "300" comments* O:)<BR/><BR/>I like the title, and based on that at the subject matter, I might read on, even though the line doesn't hook me as strongly as it might. (Can't think of better suggestions, sorry!)<BR/><BR/>Good luck,<BR/><BR/>~MercMerchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84292988580988519582009-04-01T18:18:00.000-04:002009-04-01T18:18:00.000-04:00Confusing. Not hooked.Confusing. Not hooked.spadesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82830057442049172742009-04-01T16:30:00.000-04:002009-04-01T16:30:00.000-04:00Huh. I read this as he is trying to escape her. ...Huh. I read this as he is trying to escape her. It appears others read it as she was trying to escape him. I wonder which it is?<BR/><BR/>Either way, I'm not really hooked. It's hard to care about a pronoun...midnightbloomshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08936355677620232722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78421183175725460352009-04-01T15:35:00.000-04:002009-04-01T15:35:00.000-04:00All I can think is 'of all the gin joints...' from...All I can think is 'of all the gin joints...' from Casablanca...maybe that's just me. I think 'by the goddesses' just reads anachronistic to me...Peterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03525836364241572779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32818802697134599292009-04-01T15:10:00.000-04:002009-04-01T15:10:00.000-04:00I have a problem with a Spartan praying to a Gods....I have a problem with a Spartan praying to a Gods. Ares was the patron god. If we are talking Athens, then we are looking at a goddess, Athena.<BR/><BR/>The end is awkward and puts the focus on he, not her. I'd reword the sentence.<BR/><BR/>but I love stories like this, so I'd read on.Jeanne Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16871446109563078108noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32458221877119408392009-04-01T13:49:00.000-04:002009-04-01T13:49:00.000-04:00'By the gods' might be more likely used by a Spart...'By the gods' might be more likely used by a Spartan man than 'by god' (as I suggested in my comment from a few minutes ago)<BR/><BR/>I still like the sentence. I used to devour historical novels about the Greeks and Romans.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10562515412765281182009-04-01T13:44:00.000-04:002009-04-01T13:44:00.000-04:00Not quite hooked. The sentence felt a little flat....Not quite hooked. The sentence felt a little flat. I don't know how you feel about throwing an exclamation point in on the first sentence, but it might give the "By the goddess" oath a litle punch.Deb Snoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89659770222931382692009-04-01T13:33:00.000-04:002009-04-01T13:33:00.000-04:00I like this sentence very much. It is so obviously...I like this sentence very much. It is so obviously a woman: 'by the goddesses' instead of 'by god' which is what a man would say. Then, her plight becomes the focus: she must evade a man who is trying to find her. Who? Why? It is a compelling plot situation, and has me hooked.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52670181064995846562009-04-01T12:53:00.000-04:002009-04-01T12:53:00.000-04:00It sounds like she's trying to escape someone, but...It sounds like she's trying to escape someone, but "by the goddesses" is sorta... confusing? "For goddess' sake" or something like that might read easier.CD Covingtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18130960187504382508noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81020681095562458732009-04-01T12:29:00.001-04:002009-04-01T12:29:00.001-04:00I read it as she is trying to escape him.I read it as she is trying to escape him.Laranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41376595170661373292009-04-01T12:29:00.000-04:002009-04-01T12:29:00.000-04:00You had me the mention of historical fiction! :-)You had me the mention of historical fiction! :-)Tracihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16399764927137200395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54411592328883274092009-04-01T12:26:00.000-04:002009-04-01T12:26:00.000-04:00I don't know what this sentence means, so I wouldn...I don't know what this sentence means, so I wouldn't continue.Amy Kinzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10436166248133753017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22770162526264206132009-04-01T11:42:00.000-04:002009-04-01T11:42:00.000-04:00This didn't grab me either. But the next sentence ...This didn't grab me either. But the next sentence might. Based on the topic, I would give it a few more lines.The Screaming Guppyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16962615828294805869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66727242321064510352009-04-01T11:15:00.000-04:002009-04-01T11:15:00.000-04:00this doesn't feel strong enough to make me want to...this doesn't feel strong enough to make me want to read on. It feels a bit overwritten.Terri Molinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10684929235647584445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75963862507779342082009-04-01T11:10:00.000-04:002009-04-01T11:10:00.000-04:00Hmm, I'm just not sure what this means. He is try...Hmm, I'm just not sure what this means. He is trying to avoid her, and he keeps going to places to avoid her but she's always there? In that case, 'find' is an odd verb as it implies he's seeking her. Or she's dead and everywhere he goes reminds him of her?<BR/><BR/>I think the first three words swing us right into the historical period, and possibly the protagonist's voice (hopefully you don't overdo it!) but I just feel lost after that.Tracey S. Rosenberghttp://tsrosenberg.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com