tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1519602980048614882..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Tiny Drop the Needle #9Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73338762273798911332020-09-24T09:21:05.227-04:002020-09-24T09:21:05.227-04:00nice!
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Th...I was just reading The Virgin of Small Plains. The guy drove his car and put his arm on the<i> doorsill</i>. I thought I would mention and it fit. I had to stop and come and tell you before I forgot. Of course you can call it anything you like but thought you might like to know what someone else called the door.<br /><br />I like how you've changed this. And I think there are a lot of "adults" that are nutjobs. Keep her, she's fabulous.Alicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14640032121885343233noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52622881215883858232010-06-03T20:11:24.485-04:002010-06-03T20:11:24.485-04:00Well, I am hooked. I like the voice very much and ...Well, I am hooked. I like the voice very much and would continue reading. <br /><br />This needed some tightening but it is subjective opinion. <br /><br />One example: Ryan gazed across at his mom for an answer to Button's question, and whether she suspected the chick was insane.<br /><br />I would change it to:<br />Ryan looked at his mom and wondered if she suspected the chick was insane also<br /><br />Good Job. I really liked this.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44894645526837475592010-06-03T17:36:15.659-04:002010-06-03T17:36:15.659-04:00Nice humor and tone. Button is a fun character. ...Nice humor and tone. Button is a fun character. I agree with previous posts that age would help. I also liked how you brought in details to push the story...he is there to clear his record, etc. <br /><br />More about the mother's reaction would be great.kaylafinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04045596473989620126noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15212664934475974812010-06-03T17:06:17.528-04:002010-06-03T17:06:17.528-04:00At first, I made the assumption that Button is an ...At first, I made the assumption that Button is an adult, but as I read on, I began to doubt this and thought she may be much younger. A sentence or two clarifying her age would be helpful. <br /><br />Also, while I don't know much about MG, I feel like Ryan's personality is more fitting of a teen.<br /><br />The humor here is nicely embedded and the imagery as well. Good job! :)MKnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52261737364717108462010-06-03T16:02:09.361-04:002010-06-03T16:02:09.361-04:00I thought this worked pretty well. The humorous to...I thought this worked pretty well. The humorous tone works nicely as does the contrasting play between him and Button.<br /><br />I liked Button but I did think she was a bit cartoony. She comes off as a kid, but I'm thinking she's supposed to be an adult counseler? If she is an adult, she can still be kooky, but in a more adult way. If she's a kid, or perhaps an older teen, this would work, I think.<br /><br />I got bobbed in place-going from flat-footed to her toes? And you could just say window instead of windowsill. And that first sentence is a mouthful. If you rewrite, you might start with "the crazed grin" which is a stronger opening, I think, than him leaning back against the headrest.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38233279429182915022010-06-03T15:04:44.878-04:002010-06-03T15:04:44.878-04:00I liked this - very good images. I did stumble ove...I liked this - very good images. I did stumble over the first sentence like some of the others. Button is a bit over the top, but defintley makes a memorable first impression - I did have a hard time figuring out her age based on her behavior. Also I had to re-read the "Peals of laughter erupted below him." bit to figure out what it meant - I'm assuming it was Button.<br />But overall it was a good beginning!Jamie Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07504892632149036762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27249651013885863382010-06-03T14:37:32.905-04:002010-06-03T14:37:32.905-04:00Very nice voice (although it does seem a little to...Very nice voice (although it does seem a little too old for MG), and a great introduction to the MC. But like folksinmt, I stumbled over the first line (holy prepositional phrases, Batman!). You might try something like, "Ryan pressed back against the headrest when he saw the counselor's crazed grin."<br /><br />Also, I think you could ax "He said" in the fifth paragraph and improve the flow.<br /><br />On the whole, though, nice job.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44428607576896429172010-06-03T14:27:22.213-04:002010-06-03T14:27:22.213-04:00I think Ryan should have something to say about he...I think Ryan should have something to say about her name too. I don't think Button's goofiness is overdone...She does exist several times over in the world, but her name just might not be Button. I love the voice here. Good job.Anna Bankshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04216213561070725760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85408590355143883232010-06-03T14:25:46.273-04:002010-06-03T14:25:46.273-04:00Button! Love it! Great voice and set-up. We alread...Button! Love it! Great voice and set-up. We already know quite a bit about Ryan, we want to know more, and we sympathize with him having to deal with this whacko chick.<br /><br />Great job!Michelle L. Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144191129362767115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25820015170146211912010-06-03T13:52:46.174-04:002010-06-03T13:52:46.174-04:00I could really picture all of this happening. You ...I could really picture all of this happening. You used great descriptions. I agree Button got a little too goofy up front and I started to wonder if she was high.<br />I agree with window sill; I understand what it means, but I'm not sure if it's the proper term. I think they're just called car door frames.<br />I loved the humor. I'd keep reading.angela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69194493297786906822010-06-03T12:41:57.633-04:002010-06-03T12:41:57.633-04:00I love this! It's a great middle grade voice....I love this! It's a great middle grade voice. The only thing I noticed is that Button gets a little too silly for me--I think she's absolutely perfect until she leaps in the air and twirls in circle. It's a great mental picture, but just a teeny-tiny bit too goofy for a counselor at (what I assume is) some kind of camp for troubled youth (you mentioned clearing his criminal record). I think the colorful ribbons swishing and her enthusiastic "it's gonna be an awesome week!" is sufficient, otherwise it borders on cartoonish, which ruins the setting a little. But overall, I think your excerpt is hilarious and well-written. GREAT JOB!Jessnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72150505813852939572010-06-03T11:16:04.611-04:002010-06-03T11:16:04.611-04:00I think this is great and made me laugh! What a fu...I think this is great and made me laugh! What a funny and interesting character.<br /><br />I think Ryan needs some sort of thought process when she says her name is Button. <br /><br />Bobbed in place-- can you describe that better? Jogged maybe?<br /><br />The Ryan gazed at his mom sentence is a little unclear.<br /> <br />I like the uncertainty sentence.<br /><br />I love the tone and humor, good job!!januarynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90539082899018593792010-06-03T11:11:05.751-04:002010-06-03T11:11:05.751-04:00I like the title.
The first sentence hung me up....I like the title. <br /><br />The first sentence hung me up. It felt like a run-on, even though it isn't. I'm also having a hard time picturing her tiara. Neon streamers -- like I'd use to decorate for a birthday party? So does it look more like a headdress? That last sentence of that paragraph might read better if you said "a nut job like this." He's only described one nutty person after all.<br /><br />Her name is rather odd. I would think that Ryan would pick up on that an make some sort of joke about it (at least to himself.)<br /><br />How does one bob in place? In place seems to say that she's not moving. <br /><br />I like the line about chopping wood.<br /><br />The line about him looking to his mom for an answer also didn't flow well. <br /><br />Windowsill makes me think of a house. Is that the correct term to use in a car? <br /><br />I like how she wiped out, and I wonder if he'll keep that promise. <br /><br />You have interesting characters, but I think this still needs some tightening. <br /><br />Good luck.Lori Folkmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12707165102926821045noreply@blogger.com