tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1566939423938366097..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: 73 MG Historical FictionAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67565489056660171392010-03-27T21:43:56.480-04:002010-03-27T21:43:56.480-04:00The rush to a shelter is interesting, but historic...The rush to a shelter is interesting, but historical is really not my thing. I'm torn though because if my daughter was older and into this sort of thing, I might keep reading for/to her.Selestialhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11513212631394350304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7364092746385083172010-03-26T21:27:58.569-04:002010-03-26T21:27:58.569-04:00Not hooked, sorry.Not hooked, sorry.Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5844948363426403542010-03-26T10:59:50.103-04:002010-03-26T10:59:50.103-04:00Yes, I liked this and would read on. I think the s...Yes, I liked this and would read on. I think the second sentence perhaps would work better if revised with the 'was' removed, so that it would be more in line with the active voice of the first sentence. Just my .02, of course. :)Crystalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09968456960528987538noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50714537246294725422010-03-26T10:11:59.716-04:002010-03-26T10:11:59.716-04:00First sentence was good, didn't like the secon...First sentence was good, didn't like the second. It is telling, and it just seems clunky.jchaneynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49826033949748739082010-03-26T02:35:04.630-04:002010-03-26T02:35:04.630-04:00I liked the dialogue but felt the last sentence to...I liked the dialogue but felt the last sentence took me out of the moment. I wanted to be in the panic for a little while longer.Karen Collumhttp://www.karencollum.com.aunoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61305625735519234652010-03-25T20:31:28.192-04:002010-03-25T20:31:28.192-04:00hooked. I like that it's left mysterious why t...hooked. I like that it's left mysterious why they need to go to the shelter. And the next sentence is a great fit, giving a location of where the shelter was feels like exactly where the mind would go in this emergency situation.Heather Sach'a Palmerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17945157036114574186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80356429928087975332010-03-25T19:03:00.253-04:002010-03-25T19:03:00.253-04:00I thought the first line worked. Telling where th...I thought the first line worked. Telling where the shelter was didn't. Perhaps let us hear the sound of bombs falling or sirens going off instead.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82915954663474126952010-03-25T17:51:36.284-04:002010-03-25T17:51:36.284-04:00Great points everyone! I didn't see the secon...Great points everyone! I didn't see the second sentence as being a problem until I saw it posted...Thanks for all the advice. :)Sharon K. Mayhewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76254564931710602802010-03-25T16:48:43.928-04:002010-03-25T16:48:43.928-04:00Maybe. First sentence indicates danger, second is ...Maybe. First sentence indicates danger, second is just telling. Maybe if you have them rush around the back of their council house, throwing on clothes as they go, then you'd keep up the sense of danger.Maryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03402266791214015301noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1129635095771382682010-03-25T16:44:45.983-04:002010-03-25T16:44:45.983-04:00I might read on, not sure. The first sentence indi...I might read on, not sure. The first sentence indicates lots of danger, but then we slow down to the location of the shelter.melody colleennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77359126898638255362010-03-25T15:57:44.989-04:002010-03-25T15:57:44.989-04:00I would read on but only because of the title. Th...I would read on but only because of the title. The title gives me the exact setting (or at least makes me believe it does - this is Battle of Britain, right?) which allows me to fill in a sense of place that the lines don't.<br /><br />Without that title, I would need an opening with more sense detail. (The siren, or the sound of others in the house, then Mummy's voice.)The Daring Novelisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01676188266569869059noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12558654892345103542010-03-25T15:01:18.062-04:002010-03-25T15:01:18.062-04:00Hooked enough to read for a while. I'm assumin...Hooked enough to read for a while. I'm assuming this is WWII-era Britain, and am intrigued about a MG perspective on the war.Anassahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11554524219883438465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50347686666353467222010-03-25T13:49:38.326-04:002010-03-25T13:49:38.326-04:00Sorry, not hooked. CLOSE! But the last sentence di...Sorry, not hooked. CLOSE! But the last sentence didn't grab me like it needed to. ㋡samsevernhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10913647759811350705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58401578761626525532010-03-25T13:45:16.680-04:002010-03-25T13:45:16.680-04:00Almost hooked. I agree with the other comments. St...Almost hooked. I agree with the other comments. Starting with dialogue was intriguing, because this was the first I'd seen that did that. You're setting up some good tension, but I'd work on finessing the words a bit.Portiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13435815819572442582noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90015043341851094222010-03-25T12:04:53.024-04:002010-03-25T12:04:53.024-04:00The second sentence is too "telling" rat...The second sentence is too "telling" rather than "showing". I kind of want to know why they need to get to shelter, but I probably wouldn't keep reading.Rebecca T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11994380364321336824noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64061231910254299462010-03-25T11:46:56.093-04:002010-03-25T11:46:56.093-04:00I'm with Bane. I also don't like the titl...I'm with Bane. I also don't like the title (If everyone did thier part, what's the conflict?)<br />Not hooked.Momwomannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82361215302704994582010-03-25T11:41:48.121-04:002010-03-25T11:41:48.121-04:00I agree, put that 2nd sentence somewhere else. Li...I agree, put that 2nd sentence somewhere else. Like the premise thoughMeghan S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/12447149254455271636noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42078320102047284882010-03-25T11:40:59.046-04:002010-03-25T11:40:59.046-04:00I never start with dialogue - too fraught with voi...I never start with dialogue - too fraught with voice confusion danger. And the second sentence lost me. I'm not really hooked, just confused.Chantal Kirklandhttp://eternallyconfused.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50538049336041930252010-03-25T11:36:23.264-04:002010-03-25T11:36:23.264-04:00I'd pass.I'd pass.fairchildnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86116146104393393982010-03-25T11:25:50.131-04:002010-03-25T11:25:50.131-04:00First sentence is okay, but the second one (Our sh...First sentence is okay, but the second one (Our shelter...) slowed the flow too much for me.Joshua McCunehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17367262185912463258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34491764113436168422010-03-25T11:13:47.286-04:002010-03-25T11:13:47.286-04:00I'd read more to see why they need to go to th...I'd read more to see why they need to go to the shelter. But this might be a case of opening with action for action's sake.<br /><br />http://blog.writersdigest.com/norules/2010/03/11/TheBiggestBadAdviceAboutStoryOpenings.aspxBluestockinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01225973854788421827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79476926562466274422010-03-25T10:53:02.185-04:002010-03-25T10:53:02.185-04:00Maybe hooked. It's frantic yelling, which does...Maybe hooked. It's frantic yelling, which doesn't really draw me, but I'd probably read a little more to see where this headed.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.com