tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1567578160604236121..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: F2S 10Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59252080795072009662008-12-04T19:23:00.000-05:002008-12-04T19:23:00.000-05:00Ditto on the backstory comments. Also, there are ...Ditto on the backstory comments. Also, there are WAY too many cliches in these two sentences--the first sentence, the vodka and tonic, and the phrase "bedded." Sorry, not hooked.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29364161446110877712008-12-04T10:30:00.000-05:002008-12-04T10:30:00.000-05:00Lol… what a chauvinist. I don’t know that I’d keep...Lol… what a chauvinist. I don’t know that I’d keep reading, not on the basis of your writing, but on the level of agreeability Roland possesses. Yeah, I’m not hooked. SorryAnette J Kreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73299227129037174002008-12-04T10:25:00.000-05:002008-12-04T10:25:00.000-05:00Original TextSo many women; so little time. With t...Original Text<BR/>So many women; so little time. With that thought, Roland took a sip of his vodka and tonic and recalled some of the women he had dated between his first and second marriages—and those he had dated or just bedded since his second divorce.<BR/>Average Grade Level<BR/>Average Readability Level: 8.6<BR/>Average of grade levels scores that follow.<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Specific Scores<BR/>Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 65.3<BR/>Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.<BR/><BR/>Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 9.6<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 9.7<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 9.5<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 4.4<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 9.8<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text<BR/><BR/>I would read on. My first thought was *&#hole.Julie Butcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15055134290787317245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81450000078960764052008-12-04T10:05:00.000-05:002008-12-04T10:05:00.000-05:00Nope. Sorry.The cliche with which this opens could...Nope. Sorry.<BR/><BR/>The cliche with which this opens could be enchanting if what followed was unexpected, but it's not. In addition, there's nothing particularly intriguing about a guy reflecting on his conquests -- unless we're given the impression right away that he's about to get his comeuppance or recently has. Maybe this just starts in the wrong place?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05740371055384281988noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80628016058027204762008-12-04T05:15:00.000-05:002008-12-04T05:15:00.000-05:00Great first sentence, but the second says he's goi...Great first sentence, but the second says he's going to reminisce about past women. You need to give me a reason to care.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82250026731947664482008-12-03T23:12:00.000-05:002008-12-03T23:12:00.000-05:00"So many women, so little time" is a cliche. Ask ..."So many women, so little time" is a cliche. <BR/><BR/>Ask yourself what is interesting about this guy? What makes him different from every other divorced womanizer in the world? What unique perspective does he have on his life? If you're going to start a story with a character just thinking (rather than acting), then what he's thinking needs to be engaging in some way.<BR/><BR/>Could he think something darkly funny? Could he think something cynical that would give us insight into his life? Could he think something shocking, that would make us wonder what crazy thing is going on in his life? Could he think about one of his specific problems or weaknesses, so we can sympathize with him?Bonniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01996086697025733155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45553035394587819282008-12-03T22:53:00.000-05:002008-12-03T22:53:00.000-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Bonniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01996086697025733155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80983667733947762172008-12-03T22:27:00.000-05:002008-12-03T22:27:00.000-05:00The MC is off-putting. Sorry, not hooked.The MC is off-putting. Sorry, not hooked.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15154843227989135552008-12-03T21:29:00.000-05:002008-12-03T21:29:00.000-05:00This isn't your fault, I just realized that th...This isn't your fault, I just realized that there has been quite a few subs here that start off with somebody drinking beer, or black wine, or drunk... b_d<BR/><BR/>As for this... his attitude and the vodka just is a huge turnoff for me. <- I'd read on if this is a murder mystery and this is the victim, though...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70707240139750353922008-12-03T20:00:00.000-05:002008-12-03T20:00:00.000-05:00This doesn't interest me. The genre could make a d...This doesn't interest me. The genre could make a difference though. And whether the character was an antagonist or protagonist.feywriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17224558691840388691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43504087726156448052008-12-03T19:17:00.000-05:002008-12-03T19:17:00.000-05:00I like the tone and love the first sentence (a gre...I like the tone and love the first sentence (a great show of Roland's personality right off), but I'm immediately leery that this seems about to dive into retrospection or introspection, and not action. "recalled" is what does it; I'd probably read on, but if something doesn't happen right away, you'd probably lose me (if all he proceeds to do is remember the women he's dated before).Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49674517842137144782008-12-03T17:39:00.000-05:002008-12-03T17:39:00.000-05:00He's a bit of a creep. Not very intriguing start. ...He's a bit of a creep. Not very intriguing start. I'm not sure I'd want to read on with this guy's starting the story off. Then again, I might want to know if someone changes his way of thinking.Bethlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00399849555406133310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34450839956983520802008-12-03T16:38:00.000-05:002008-12-03T16:38:00.000-05:00This isn't my sort of story, but the writing seems...This isn't my sort of story, but the writing seems clean and flows just fine.Ardythhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15379643762791779892noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20328694684289206132008-12-03T15:40:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:40:00.000-05:00I would keep reading to see more about what kind o...I would keep reading to see more about what kind of character this guy is . . . hoping you'll surprise me by making a bit more likeable. Because right now I hate him.Michelle D. Argylehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09696465137285587646noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37790856575227978252008-12-03T15:36:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:36:00.000-05:00If this story has a deeper meaning, this is likely...If this story has a deeper meaning, this is likely a poor place to start. As you can see from posts above me, you're going to cut a chunk of potential readers with this opening.The Screaming Guppyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16962615828294805869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80982915341516429202008-12-03T14:47:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:47:00.000-05:00Not doing a thing for me. I can't see where these...Not doing a thing for me. I can't see where these two sentences would lead that would interest me.Casey Somethinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17596079290053524103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63177403611284111362008-12-03T13:20:00.000-05:002008-12-03T13:20:00.000-05:00Not interested in reading about a serial philander...Not interested in reading about a serial philanderer. Sorry.JS Bangshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09380732454877495290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55232179698059491182008-12-03T13:04:00.000-05:002008-12-03T13:04:00.000-05:00I'd read on. But I'd stop soon if all the sentence...I'd read on. But I'd stop soon if all the sentences are this packed. The idea is solid, but streamlining would help, imo.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15772115162429818530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64569932845332879202008-12-03T12:10:00.000-05:002008-12-03T12:10:00.000-05:00Too much back story. Not enough action.Sorry.-- Fu...Too much back story. Not enough action.<BR/><BR/>Sorry.<BR/><BR/>-- FudgieAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com