tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1618176159840473259..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #25Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32450768555581921612015-09-26T19:20:58.394-04:002015-09-26T19:20:58.394-04:00Perhaps consider a rewrite that brings us closer t...Perhaps consider a rewrite that brings us closer to what’s happening. For instance, in the first parg you give us the smells of smoke and charred wood that ‘assault his nose.’ What does that mean? Perhaps instead let the smoke sting his eyes, blur his vision. Maybe the smells burn his throat or make it hard to breathe. You’re giving us generic. Instead, give us specifics.<br /><br />‘I turn left.’ What does that tell us? Absolutely nothing because we don’t know where he is or where he’s going, or what’s to the left. Why is he turning left? What is to the left? If it’s the fire, then just say he ran or walked or skipped to the fire. If it’s not the fire, tell us where he’s actually going. <br /><br />In that same parg. he’s telling us the square is filled with smoke, ash and destruction. But he’s not there yet, so how does he know? Wait until he actually arrives, then show us what he sees. Don’t tell us a printing shop is burning. Show us flames, burning paper fluttering in the breeze. Give us the smell of ink and hot metal presses. Maybe ash is falling like snow. Maybe the printer was still in the shop and finally manages to burst free, a burning blanket wrapped around him.<br /> <br />Save the generic stuff for things like transitions, and give us specifics for the things that matter and this will come to life.<br /><br />And just FYI: I’ve had to research tanneries and, by all accounts, the smell is supposed to be horrendous.<br />Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12972712177127424462015-09-25T21:01:04.647-04:002015-09-25T21:01:04.647-04:00Writing and voice-wise, this is a very strong open...Writing and voice-wise, this is a very strong opening. I’m particularly curious as to why she wants to reach for a pen instead of a sword when she looks at the closest guard. (I’m guessing the pen is mightier than the sword?) Also, for the record, in reference to the ‘heels clipping against the worn cobblestones’, I’m guessing your POV character is female but I have no markers for gender. If you could add something in to firmly cement the gender, that would be great.<br /><br />That being said, and it pains me to say this, but for as strong as the writing and voice is… I don’t see anything unique about this. I’m sure I have a dozen manuscripts in my inbox right now with openings that use the phrase ‘acrid smell of smoke’. You have the writing chops from this opening, make sure your words stand out and don’t feel like the opening of every other YA fantasy that starts out with a building burn and the MC watching it. Good luck!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50033748765515117642015-09-24T20:53:05.143-04:002015-09-24T20:53:05.143-04:00I didn't really get any emotion from the MC un...I didn't really get any emotion from the MC until the end, where her blood simmers. Until then, she seems distant and removed, like we're seeing this building burn from a perspective that doesn't care. Maybe add some anger into earlier passages. Besides that, I would continue reading, despite not knowing much about the character.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65872264728769130092015-09-24T00:30:04.762-04:002015-09-24T00:30:04.762-04:00I concur. Nicely done opening. I think if you pers...I concur. Nicely done opening. I think if you personalize it more towards the MC it would strengthen it. Like why does this sight make them angry, yes the guards are burning things, but how does it personally affect the MC. Does that shop belong to their family, a friend. Have the guards wronged them in some way in the past? Just something to connect the reader on a deeper level. Dragon Writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69649798053560219882015-09-23T14:25:02.527-04:002015-09-23T14:25:02.527-04:00Biggest thing would be, what makes this special? H...Biggest thing would be, what makes this special? Having read loads of YA Fantasy, this makes me think of four or five books already out, so you need to make sure you hint at a detail about your world, or your magic, or your conflict, that is unique to your story.<br /><br />The sensory details though, are great, and I do like the emotion the Mc is feeling. Just consider a way to bring in at least one unique detail to set yours apart.K.A.Simonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11842815107091475444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83446587625245099862015-09-23T13:31:03.939-04:002015-09-23T13:31:03.939-04:00Great opening! I like how you used the senses and ...Great opening! I like how you used the senses and imagery to ground the reader. And the last line sealed it for me. I want to turn the page.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21682951702288754812015-09-23T11:57:40.601-04:002015-09-23T11:57:40.601-04:00I thought this was a strong opening. My one commen...I thought this was a strong opening. My one comment is this sentence: I turn left, my heels clipping against the worn cobblestones as hatred flames to life inside me. Should you use flames as a verb here? You use it later in the second paragraph. And with the fire going on, maybe you could use water imagery to contrast the MC from the scene around him/her.Amanda Foodyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13041820771365552110noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86711581885583737912015-09-23T11:57:32.173-04:002015-09-23T11:57:32.173-04:00I thought this was a strong opening. My one commen...I thought this was a strong opening. My one comment is this sentence: I turn left, my heels clipping against the worn cobblestones as hatred flames to life inside me. Should you use flames as a verb here? You use it later in the second paragraph. And with the fire going on, maybe you could use water imagery to contrast the MC from the scene around him/her.Amanda Foodyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13041820771365552110noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59473297774034923662015-09-23T10:26:56.489-04:002015-09-23T10:26:56.489-04:00This sounds great. I love the first sentence- it&#...This sounds great. I love the first sentence- it's really perfect. It's very absorbing with all of the senses, but I would like just a hint of who is speaking, whether it's a man or woman. That's probably just me though. Best of luck!Meredith Irelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267030131818850231noreply@blogger.com