tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2185244707291656453..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #2Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85436245846762883962015-03-13T13:26:09.463-04:002015-03-13T13:26:09.463-04:00This might be personal, but I think the whole &quo...This might be personal, but I think the whole "new kid at school" thing in is overused. Make sure that it fits the story and isn't a convenient way to isolate your character. I'm not getting any real sense of what your main character's conflict is or will be. I also want to know why his father being murdered would cause them to have to move and it doesn't seem like the mom is very comforting in that moment. I'm questioning the move myself because that seems like a time to rely on the friends and family you have nearby, not to uproot everything, especially your child. That would make a difficult situation that much more unbearable.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06213374083665800577noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48343848108462438662015-03-13T13:26:05.186-04:002015-03-13T13:26:05.186-04:00This might be personal, but I think the whole &quo...This might be personal, but I think the whole "new kid at school" thing in is overused. Make sure that it fits the story and isn't a convenient way to isolate your character. I'm not getting any real sense of what your main character's conflict is or will be. I also want to know why his father being murdered would cause them to have to move and it doesn't seem like the mom is very comforting in that moment. I'm questioning the move myself because that seems like a time to rely on the friends and family you have nearby, not to uproot everything, especially your child. That would make a difficult situation that much more unbearable.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06213374083665800577noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67527941761064763922015-03-11T17:05:52.514-04:002015-03-11T17:05:52.514-04:00Be careful about your character's age here. Yo...Be careful about your character's age here. You describe this as YA, but Leo is 12, which places this squarely in middle grade territory. YA is generally 16, 17, and 18. You're also running into some perspective problems. It's pretty much a requirement of children's literature that the reader sees the world through a child or teen's eyes--even if you're writing in third person. I have to say that you bring what feels like a very adult awareness into this selection, which makes Leo feel a bit inauthentic to me as a character. I wonder what would happen if you tried writing in first person and give Leo a voice--let him really narrate his own life. This is his story so I really want to see his thoughts and feelings front and center. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85296295566199219582015-03-11T16:05:26.702-04:002015-03-11T16:05:26.702-04:00Could you just call it The Vampire Prophecy?
The...Could you just call it The Vampire Prophecy? <br /><br />The situation has possibilities. The main character has a good justification for his angst. <br /><br />The dialogue is a bit canned, generic.Martin Hill Ortizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13921106080481483326noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23374920899502082592015-03-11T16:03:21.993-04:002015-03-11T16:03:21.993-04:00I loved the fist two lines; it gave me sense of pl...I loved the fist two lines; it gave me sense of place and curiosity about Leo. It sounds very MG and Leo goes to a middle grade school, therefore, you need to label it MG and add genre"fantasy" or "magical realism" since you have a vampire element. "Don't take that tone with me" maybe change that up to something that sounds more contemporary.The first line in the last paragraph is difficult to visualize. Simplify action i.e. looking down at his feet,rubbing his forehead.... "Suffering" sounds grown-up maybe, "He new she hurt too." Loved the last two lines. Nice work! all the best, C.E. Aegeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10311566837851376984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29711829835150420972015-03-11T15:56:53.028-04:002015-03-11T15:56:53.028-04:00The title is great! I'm curious whether this i...The title is great! I'm curious whether this is a flashback; since kids read up, 12 is really on the low end for YA, even if the readership is considered 12-17. Just a thought there that could be a potential barrier if this isn't a prologue. The thoughts in the last paragraph seem a bit more adult than a 12-yr-old; that he ponders how she lost husband and became a single mother. I think it's more the framing of the thought, if it's in a more YA (or middle grade) voice it would seem more age-appropriate. Whichever market you choose I think could alter the voice as well. <br /><br />Many well wishes to you :)Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73033927238346669872015-03-11T14:29:32.865-04:002015-03-11T14:29:32.865-04:00Your second sentence might need to be tightened up...Your second sentence might need to be tightened up a bit - it seems a little wordy. I also stumbled on the word "pendulating". Cool word, but possibly could cause reader to lose their flow.S.D.Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05707682524268581476noreply@blogger.com