tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2308295275555853130..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: (59) YA Science Fiction: TRACKER 220 Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38305734839272360502014-12-03T13:39:53.046-05:002014-12-03T13:39:53.046-05:00I like the concept but there seem to be a lot of p...I like the concept but there seem to be a lot of practical issues, as others have pointed out, that would have to be explained pretty soon. Such as, if some kids could develop a masking device this easily, wouldn't that be a big flaw in the tracking system?<br />Congrats on the win!JENnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35409747427159870632014-12-02T11:53:56.153-05:002014-12-02T11:53:56.153-05:00Someone has to prevent anarchy! :) Someone has to prevent anarchy! :) Sarah LaPollahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14266812619209867411noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5923271555963337142014-12-02T11:52:13.770-05:002014-12-02T11:52:13.770-05:00CLOSED! Full goes to Sarah LaPolla.
(Plus you ge...CLOSED! Full goes to Sarah LaPolla.<br /><br />(Plus you get a gold star for following the bidding rules so well. :D )Authoresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86977392600201279582014-12-02T11:49:17.829-05:002014-12-02T11:49:17.829-05:00Full!Full!Sarah LaPollahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14266812619209867411noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32592594982732277722014-12-02T11:49:11.830-05:002014-12-02T11:49:11.830-05:00175 pages!175 pages!Sarah LaPollahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14266812619209867411noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9517422088740210672014-12-02T11:44:29.134-05:002014-12-02T11:44:29.134-05:00150 pages150 pagesCaryn Wisemannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43968617664556563862014-12-02T11:32:48.977-05:002014-12-02T11:32:48.977-05:00125 pages!125 pages!Sarah LaPollahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14266812619209867411noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53746100995019100242014-12-02T11:26:48.279-05:002014-12-02T11:26:48.279-05:00100pages100pagesCaryn Wisemannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33508126095920667932014-12-02T11:11:00.233-05:002014-12-02T11:11:00.233-05:00Hi! I like this premise a lot. I bid 75 pages!Hi! I like this premise a lot. I bid 75 pages!Sarah LaPollahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14266812619209867411noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90663621453832856212014-12-02T09:53:47.513-05:002014-12-02T09:53:47.513-05:00Hi
I'm your tweet diva for the contest!
good l...Hi<br />I'm your tweet diva for the contest!<br />good luckJulie Butcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15055134290787317245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86523814617717561522014-12-01T09:08:08.617-05:002014-12-01T09:08:08.617-05:00Hi
A few little things didn't work for me, bu...Hi<br /><br />A few little things didn't work for me, but mostly it's logic--some of which has been addressed already.<br /><br />If they have trackers, wouldn't the 'authorities' know who turned off their tracker and who is with them? And as soon as they turn back on, wouldn't they be easy to track. Doesn't that make scattering kind of useless?<br /><br />You may address this later, and it might be a stupid question, but it stopped me from enjoying the opening.<br /> <br />Also, I have to disagree with Jennifer about the Pandora line. For a lot of teens, that's just a line of jewelry. I don't think it works.<br />ikmarnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11785498991265090512014-11-30T23:35:10.895-05:002014-11-30T23:35:10.895-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.jennifer pooleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01244938860843403852noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31029281046893961742014-11-30T23:35:09.826-05:002014-11-30T23:35:09.826-05:00"That little box was trouble. Worse than Pand..."That little box was trouble. Worse than Pandora’s." Loved these sentences. It was the first I really felt her voice come through. I would love to see the consequences of removing her tracker raised, and would be interested in following her rising need to rebel, to taste a bit of defiance for herself even if she isn't ready as we start the story. Good luck!jennifer pooleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01244938860843403852noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58540831786862945432014-11-29T20:33:38.993-05:002014-11-29T20:33:38.993-05:00Hi! What a cool concept, and I love the first coup...Hi! What a cool concept, and I love the first couple sentences. They set the stakes high and really give the story a great sense of urgency. I'm intrigued by Kaya and the conflict that's boiling between her and her boyfriend's friends.<br /><br />I'd echo what others have said above. I felt that this intro perhaps skewed a little far toward "telling" on the "showing vs. telling" spectrum. Because we're being dropped into a new world, I completely understand the impulse to immediately explain the world's rules to the viewer. But I think we need to feel immersed in the setting and the character's voice first - and then more tidbits about the world can be dropped later, when we're already invested in knowing more. <br /><br />I agree that I think a really active, "in-the-moment" introduction could work for this scene. Some more physical and concrete descriptions could help - how are the kids positioned around the fire? Where are they? What time of day is it - night, I'm assuming? Great descriptions can really create an atmosphere and pull us into Kaya's voice, as we're seeing the world entirely through her eyes. <br /><br />Fun start, and good luck!Hali Baumsteinhttps://twitter.com/halibaumsteinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74862135708639085172014-11-29T16:39:17.274-05:002014-11-29T16:39:17.274-05:00You've done an excellent job of giving us an i...You've done an excellent job of giving us an idea of who your main character is. Kaya is obviously not a rule breaker, but she's also willing to get into trouble to be with the boy she cares about. I'd be interested in seeing more of the world she lives in. I was a little thrown by the name Harlow for a boy. I'm also curious to see if you take a different slant on the girl-savior YA novel. There are a lot of them out there right now.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09500234470173797515noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51722652097900174542014-11-29T14:10:10.515-05:002014-11-29T14:10:10.515-05:00I don't have anything to suggest that hasn'...I don't have anything to suggest that hasn't already been said.<br /><br />The premise of this is fantastic.<br /><br />All the best with it Tuesday!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16519250456239966742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47848942957721563532014-11-29T14:09:56.220-05:002014-11-29T14:09:56.220-05:00I don't have anything to suggest that hasn'...I don't have anything to suggest that hasn't already been said.<br /><br />The premise of this is fantastic.<br /><br />All the best with it Tuesday!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16519250456239966742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22298064829057758752014-11-29T13:30:10.257-05:002014-11-29T13:30:10.257-05:00Oh, fascinating premise. I agree with the above su...Oh, fascinating premise. I agree with the above suggestions for tweaking the pitch, as well as the issue with setting. I had a hard time balancing the elevated tech and fly-in theaters with the woods where they're apparently doing this. <br /><br />I also would like a more active introduction to the story. <br /><br />This is such a cool idea, but I honestly think there's probably a way to make this whole initial moment more immediate. You could start, for example, with one of the friends offering up the wave generator. That would lock us into a moment, and give a reason for our MC to think they're going to get caught. As it stands, I don't think the ambiguity is helping you.<br /><br />~VVictoria Schwabhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15184727462044315624noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76251730419878115272014-11-29T11:18:08.173-05:002014-11-29T11:18:08.173-05:00I really liked this. The author did a great job of...I really liked this. The author did a great job of making me empathize with Kaya - I felt both her nerves and her self-doubt - and in very few words, involved the reader in several classic young adult themes (rebellion, self-doubt, peer pressure, the desire to belong.) <br /><br />The setting details mentioned by other reviewers didn't trip me up, but they are good points (e.g. a roaring bonfire probably isn't conducive to most forest settings) but that's easily fixed. <br /><br />Great job!<br />Mercinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23787118699761481802014-11-29T01:50:52.152-05:002014-11-29T01:50:52.152-05:00I'll second Laura's comment about the pitc...I'll second Laura's comment about the pitch. If it reads something like, "As sixteen-year-old Kaya becomes that glitch, she must choose between <b>living</b> as a lab rat or <b>joining</b> a rogue movement that plans on using her to destroy the tracker network," then the sentence structure will work. I, too, was confused by the pronoun-antecedent issues in a couple of places. Not only in the instance Sarah pointed out above, but also the third paragraph. When you write, "The authorities would brain probe us to check our chips for glitches if they showed up," does the "they" refer to the authorities or the glitches? It might seem nit-picky, but I don't think it is, since either option changes the stakes a bit. If the arrival of authorities is inevitable, then this secret meeting in the woods becomes riskier for them all. If the glitches are inevitable, then that casts a darker light on this thrill-seeking the kids are doing. Finally, I'd like to see more showing, less telling, and I think fixing some of the issues mentioned here would free up the space to include more action. It's a really interesting premise, and I'd like to read more, but I think it would reel more people in if these minor issues were resolved. I hope I get to read more one day!McKenna Michaelshttp://mckennamichaels.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86379636338108304522014-11-28T16:44:44.607-05:002014-11-28T16:44:44.607-05:00The opening pages felt strong to me: good sense of...The opening pages felt strong to me: good sense of tension, good sense of danger, and the hint of a strong voice which I would read on to find out more about. <br /><br />The last part of the pitch, however, reads awkwardly. The parallelism of the sentence is off. Laura Valerihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16364231390909782845noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36649743989003807802014-11-28T16:29:53.303-05:002014-11-28T16:29:53.303-05:00I'm a little confused. If the wave generator d...I'm a little confused. If the wave generator disrupts one person's tracker signal, it doesn't do much good in a group where everyone has one - it would make more sense to disappear alone. If the generator damps all the signals, Kaya's cooperation is moot. And lighting a bonfire seems like a poor way to hide from the authorities.<br />I do like Kaya's willingness to think for herself. I would read more to figure out what the kids hope to accomplish.Timothy Gwynhttp://timothygwyn.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61777266814126863322014-11-28T15:04:10.085-05:002014-11-28T15:04:10.085-05:00This is well-written and it's an interesting p...This is well-written and it's an interesting premise, but nothing happens on this first page. The MC tells us over and over (5 times by my count) that she doesn't want to do what her friends are doing.<br /><br />Perhaps show us what her friends are doing. Let us see one of them shut off their box, show us the authorities arriving five minutes later. Show us all the kids scattering. At the very least, move on once the MC let's us know the first time that she doesn't want to do this.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61029590201910890152014-11-28T13:13:25.591-05:002014-11-28T13:13:25.591-05:00Great dialogue! But I'm confused by the setti...Great dialogue! But I'm confused by the setting. Where are they? This is an intriguing world, but the reader isn't grounded in it. Also, your writing will be stronger if you use less passive verbs. <br /><br />Good luck!sewitschorkenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43424646308608059302014-11-28T12:26:18.546-05:002014-11-28T12:26:18.546-05:00I'm sorry, but this one didn't grab me, th...I'm sorry, but this one didn't grab me, though I liked Kaya's determination to stay free of peer pressure to do something wrong. Also, a picky thing from an old lady, please make sure you use matching pronouns for subject and object in a sentence. For instance: everyone has a tracking chip in their brain. Everyone is singular and their is plural. Please change it to something like "all have...their..." Good luck.Sarah Maury Swanhttp://www.sarahsbookreflections.comnoreply@blogger.com