tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2333982493023286084..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Sentence #42Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59726685579841824052013-06-29T13:48:40.738-04:002013-06-29T13:48:40.738-04:00Yea! From obsidian to six pairs to rocky outcrop a...Yea! From obsidian to six pairs to rocky outcrop and hotel. Everything sings to me and promises great MG adventure.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11737889720275599055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66542526812188852822013-06-28T15:00:24.586-04:002013-06-28T15:00:24.586-04:00Yes but change obsidian to something else. Yes but change obsidian to something else. Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8579425113550508062013-06-28T14:37:14.878-04:002013-06-28T14:37:14.878-04:00No, because the logistics were confusing. Is your ...No, because the logistics were confusing. Is your MC outside his hotel room? Is the outcrop actually overhanging the hotel? Pataknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45423129062765149172013-06-28T05:26:12.928-04:002013-06-28T05:26:12.928-04:00No. I think if you left out the rocky outcrop and...No. I think if you left out the rocky outcrop and just left the hotel room you'd have way more impact.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31210738839795046212013-06-28T03:27:44.361-04:002013-06-28T03:27:44.361-04:00No--I can't imagine anyone building a hotel be...No--I can't imagine anyone building a hotel beneath a rocky outcrop. I think if the setting was different, it might be more believable for me.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38737669395188701152013-06-27T21:43:14.932-04:002013-06-27T21:43:14.932-04:00No. I was immediately wondering how close the rock...No. I was immediately wondering how close the rocky outcrop must be if you could <b>see</b> the eyes staring at you, and this left my visual really confused.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70020289927562764962013-06-27T21:03:40.915-04:002013-06-27T21:03:40.915-04:00No, but it was close. It's a little too long. ...No, but it was close. It's a little too long. I was thinking something like this: "Six pairs of obsidian eyes stared into my hotel room."<br />amhogganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831363893894165135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68404208520321546352013-06-27T18:10:49.904-04:002013-06-27T18:10:49.904-04:00Yes, because I'm about to discover what's ...Yes, because I'm about to discover what's behind those obsidian eyes. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64866463450624314572013-06-27T18:09:56.976-04:002013-06-27T18:09:56.976-04:00No. Is a middle-grader going to know what obsidian...No. Is a middle-grader going to know what obsidian is? Also, black eyes would be hard to notice in a rocky outcrop. Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56165479889387031552013-06-27T18:09:07.932-04:002013-06-27T18:09:07.932-04:00No. There are a too many prepositional phrases.No. There are a too many prepositional phrases.Joan Hehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14241547000296152599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3691810115180196702013-06-27T16:40:34.182-04:002013-06-27T16:40:34.182-04:00No
We're thrown into a little too quickly and ...No<br />We're thrown into a little too quickly and I don't care about the MC yet.Kennedynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18131671712089425112013-06-27T16:27:09.818-04:002013-06-27T16:27:09.818-04:00No--I think you lose some of the impact by too man...No--I think you lose some of the impact by too many descriptors. Obsidian is a great word, but maybe not for the first line of a middle grade. Maybe save that for a line where there is more context for young readers to draw from (I suggested with my fairly limited knowledge of children's lit!). I just think this needs some paring down and the adjectives can come later.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65680286717133027482013-06-27T16:23:43.888-04:002013-06-27T16:23:43.888-04:00Yes. Sounds adventurous. But I think it would read...Yes. Sounds adventurous. But I think it would read better if you cut "over my hotel room." It creates an odd picture, sort of interrupts the image of the rocky outcrop.Parkernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44066010599892493152013-06-27T16:21:47.303-04:002013-06-27T16:21:47.303-04:00Yes. Though if the eyes turn out to be inanimate ...Yes. Though if the eyes turn out to be inanimate objects, I will be disappointed and probably put the book down.Chrohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07768990128419496674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90232246493028671102013-06-27T15:31:47.092-04:002013-06-27T15:31:47.092-04:00No. The structure of the sentence presents a confu...No. The structure of the sentence presents a confusing image.Is there no ceiling on the hotel? Can he see through walls?<br /><br />Or, is he looking out the window to a rocky ledge and six eyes are looking back?<br /><br />It's quirky enough to be interesting, but you need clarity. MollyBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2305967767611316582013-06-27T15:22:44.294-04:002013-06-27T15:22:44.294-04:00Yes. I had a hard time visualizing the outcrop and...Yes. I had a hard time visualizing the outcrop and how it's located above the room. But I love your title and the sense of impending doom you've created.tarakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11879814735940426961noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33350680224693193692013-06-27T15:22:20.648-04:002013-06-27T15:22:20.648-04:00No. The rocky outcrop above the hotel room was con...No. The rocky outcrop above the hotel room was confusing. The first part of the sentence would be better by itself:) Swirl & Sparknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8690799675630373172013-06-27T15:07:02.213-04:002013-06-27T15:07:02.213-04:00Yes. But probably more because of your title :) It...Yes. But probably more because of your title :) It has a fun MG flair. I had no trouble with picturing the setting. But perhaps it could be polished and clarified a bit.SueJayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14428582843087294011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8772613770117569612013-06-27T14:30:25.568-04:002013-06-27T14:30:25.568-04:00YES. That's yes in CAPS! I found this concise ...YES. That's yes in CAPS! I found this concise and intriguing. I loved the hotel room -- shows the narrator is out of her usual environment. Six pairs of eyes is just so much creepier than one. And obsidian seems so unnatural. All this, and there's still room for the eyes to be statues and the narrator to have an overactive imagination. Or, she could be about to be chased by crazed, wild animals.Brigid Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10890712173849209546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33700578727976228192013-06-27T14:27:53.658-04:002013-06-27T14:27:53.658-04:00No: I can't imagine "obsidian" and &...No: I can't imagine "obsidian" and "rocky outcrop" rolling off the tongue of a middle-schooler, so it makes me wonder how authentically <i>kid</i> the voice would be in the rest of the manuscript. (Sounds like an adult's vocabulary. Not saying a kid *couldn't* know these words, but it just feels off in this instance.)KOhttp://owlandsparrow.wordpress.com/current-projects/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47920856637508085782013-06-27T13:36:09.290-04:002013-06-27T13:36:09.290-04:00Yes, but maybe end with "outcrop." Hote...Yes, but maybe end with "outcrop." Hotel room setting could be in next sentence.MaggieMaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82760700256388140032013-06-27T13:35:21.483-04:002013-06-27T13:35:21.483-04:00No.
Sorry, but I have too many questions and not ...No.<br /><br />Sorry, but I have too many questions and not enough interest to find the answers. How can the MC see the six pairs of eyes on the rocky outcrop from his hotel room? Is the rocky outcrop RIGHT OUTSIDE? Are these giant stone eyes made of actual obsidian in the distance? Why describe them as obsidian? Are they just shiny black eyes, or are we talking about statues? If they're just black eyes, isn't obsidian a little over-the-top? It's just not for me.Caitlin Whitakerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04305557668837593186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19494175830209313102013-06-27T13:27:15.739-04:002013-06-27T13:27:15.739-04:00Yes
though i'm right on the edge. I'm als...Yes<br /><br />though i'm right on the edge. I'm also confused by the rocky outcrop. If he's looking out a window, or something, maybe just saying that would clear things upSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66907663762588484032013-06-27T13:26:03.632-04:002013-06-27T13:26:03.632-04:00No (sorry!)
I'm having a hard time visualizin...No (sorry!)<br /><br />I'm having a hard time visualizing what's going on. Is the MC looking out a window? On a balcony? Some super power where he/she can see through the walls/ceiling?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89303280408480735342013-06-27T13:19:16.283-04:002013-06-27T13:19:16.283-04:00No, but I *really* wanted to say yes. I think if i...No, but I *really* wanted to say yes. I think if it hadn't been for the confusing bit about the "rocky outcrop above my hotel room" it would be a yes. If you could clarify/simplify that description, it would have been a yes.K Callardnoreply@blogger.com