tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2352783106359960179..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Two (YA Fiction) #8Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42660409409935569672014-01-31T16:03:00.817-05:002014-01-31T16:03:00.817-05:00This was a tough one, because overall, I liked it ...This was a tough one, because overall, I liked it and immediately felt connected to the character. Rose is going to be married against her will! It's female slavery and it's horrifying. (shudders) (shudders some more) <br /><br />To bring a bit more action to the scene, maybe have Rose trying to escape? Then it'd be clear why she's chained up and the others only have the manacles on for show. Instead of the guard starting to wake whenever Rose shifts position, have the guard start to wake whenever she bangs on her chains with a rock. Instant tension. <br /><br />Finally, get rid of Rose rolling her eyes. That's usually a bratty, teenage gesture and immediately take away from the peril of the situation. <br /><br />Good luck! You've got a great start here and an interesting, scary world to build upon.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11886151771194369513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17266199094600954402014-01-31T04:08:37.771-05:002014-01-31T04:08:37.771-05:00This is extremely slow because nothing is happenin...This is extremely slow because nothing is happening. A girl is laying in captivity and thinking for 500 words. And all the thinking does is fill us in on the backstory. If the backstory is so important that you need to get it in right now, then just start the story there. SHow Rose being taken away by whoever, or show her father trading her away.<br /><br />If you'd rather start where she is, let her do something besides think. Perhaps show the other girls giggling and give us some dialogue that's relevant to their situation. Give us a description of where she is. If she's in a prison cell, I wondered what a rock would be doing in there. If she's outside on the ground, then why can't she see more than the sky? And give us some insight into the situation. What does she think of the other girls? How do they treat her? Why doesn't she want to marry?<br /><br />You don't have to start with big action, but try to begin with some movement, with something happening.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51794909803502892572014-01-30T11:43:53.169-05:002014-01-30T11:43:53.169-05:00The concept here is really interesting. You may wa...The concept here is really interesting. You may want to look for ways to help the reader connect more with the MC in the beginning, so we feel sorrier for her situation (because it's pretty bad).<br /><br />I was originally going to suggest that the title be shortened to either "Dreamwalking" or "Under the Bloodmoon Sky" because it's such a mouthful, but now that I know what Bloodmoon is - yeah, I'm squicked. I wouldn't use a reference to menstruation in the title. It tends to gross me out, and most of your target audience is probably AT LEAST as squeamish as I am (since I'm not a teenager).<br /><br />Also, it feels slow. I started and stopped reading half a dozen times. Is there a way to include more action in the beginning? A scene between her fighting parents? A conversation she had with someone? You could also show us WHY she's the only one chained. Or if the action comes after this scene, then you may want to look at ways to shorten it. Removing the eye references, as suggested above, is a good start.<br />Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01410357032445525902noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84721078146970652432014-01-29T17:23:39.837-05:002014-01-29T17:23:39.837-05:00You have an interesting beginning--a girl in chain...You have an interesting beginning--a girl in chains waiting to be married against her will. But you could make the scene more tense. (I don't know how, I just know it is lacking.)<br /><br />And I was distracted by your frequent use of "eyes." Rolled her eyes, one eye, tore her eyes, blinked through tears, and closed her eyes--all within the first 500 words. Try eliminating some of them. The action would feel more immediate if you didn't filter it through her eyes. trreatnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26265781508122862802014-01-29T15:12:47.194-05:002014-01-29T15:12:47.194-05:00I like this story and I feel for Rose, pushed into...I like this story and I feel for Rose, pushed into an impending marriage she doesn't feel ready for. I like that she comes from a family in which there's some magic--makes me think she might have abilities she hasn't yet discovered.<br /><br />I have the same questions, though, the previous commenter had. I don't know how Rose was picked to be truly bound when the other girls only had a token binding, especially since it's clear a little further down that her father and mother didn't do anything to stop her from being taken. <br /><br />This makes me wonder if that scene might not be important to show. Wouldn't that be the inciting incident, the event that disturbs her "normal" and sets the story in motion? <br /><br />If so, I think it should be shown, not alluded to.Beckynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19994262526972566852014-01-29T13:05:49.298-05:002014-01-29T13:05:49.298-05:00Firstly, the title. I really liked this title when...Firstly, the title. I really liked this title when I first read it. But then I got to the end of the text and realized that the "Bloodmoon" really refers to when a young girl gets her period. And honestly, that left a really weird taste in my mouth. I'm not sure if a title that refers to menstruation is the best way to go to attract readers.<br /><br />I love how well-written this is. Rose's voice shines through with the asides ("Coward. They were both cowards" and "A shame the view wasn't much better").<br /><br />My questions lie with the chains, though. Why is Rose the only girl with real chains on? Why does the guard care so much about keeping her from running away? Is this simply because she's a flight risk? Why aren't the other girls considered flight risks? Is that because the other girls feel ready for marriage but Rose doesn't? Maybe I'm actually answering my own questions as I ask them, haha. Either way, I wouldn't mind some further explanation of this later. You've definitely caught my attention and you've made me want to read more!<br /><br />Other things that keep me guessing: What magic does Rose possess? What are her mother's talents? Does everyone have a rose on their necks, or just Rose since that's her name?<br /><br />Oh, and one more thing. In the first paragraph you said "As if she could go anywhere." In the second paragraph you said "She wasn't going anywhere." That felt repetitive to me.<br /><br />Great job!hdiangelishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04286444012314375368noreply@blogger.com