tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2458473419096324076..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First 750 #10Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67569271775444104462010-07-30T16:50:36.124-04:002010-07-30T16:50:36.124-04:00Nicely done. Your protag's highly entertaining...Nicely done. Your protag's highly entertaining voice overshadows the truly minor imperfections along the way.Fragrant Liarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09452052210826471034noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48445909879199774872010-07-30T08:43:25.157-04:002010-07-30T08:43:25.157-04:00I remember this from the earlier 250-word contest....I remember this from the earlier 250-word contest. I think this has some potential. I found myself reading the whole thing, which I'm unable to do in a lot of these contests. I guess my main question would be where does the story go and how does the plot work, but I think you have a strong grasp on the proper writing style, which seems to equal fun, quick reading.JKWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69653839555876153542010-07-29T21:19:11.047-04:002010-07-29T21:19:11.047-04:00I agree about the backstory. It might be worked in...I agree about the backstory. It might be worked in later to keep the momentum going.<br /><br />The only other comments I have are nits. It seems to me that he doesn't need to mouth "Get him." Finkman knows what he's doing. Trust your readers to follow too. And when the sub split, I understood it to mean he ran out the door, so I got a little confused.brendaonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57854678194137184412010-07-29T05:57:55.977-04:002010-07-29T05:57:55.977-04:00I really enjoyed this. The voice is great. I, too,...I really enjoyed this. The voice is great. I, too, noticed a bit of telling and info-dumping. <br /><br />Watch out for repetitive words. You used the word shook three times. <br /><br />Interesting premise. Nice voice. I would read on to see how Mr. Toupee handles Triple F. Good luck with this!Elizabeth Hollowayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14137733615625501785noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68577206610385709052010-07-29T05:56:22.666-04:002010-07-29T05:56:22.666-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Elizabeth Hollowayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14137733615625501785noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78397014744360517952010-07-28T20:55:17.264-04:002010-07-28T20:55:17.264-04:00I agree with previous comments. I tripped over the...I agree with previous comments. I tripped over the first few lines. The premise, however, is great. Just tighten up the writing a bit.Kathryn Packer Robertshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16506942804607936833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74443939034938019392010-07-28T20:12:14.573-04:002010-07-28T20:12:14.573-04:00Okay, I loved this. I was disappointed when I got ...Okay, I loved this. I was disappointed when I got to the end of the submission and couldn't read any more! I can see the action happening in the classroom and love the MC's distinct voice. I'm just getting to know these characters, but I already feel like I'm connecting with them. Very nicely done. <br /><br />The only crit I can offer is that there may be too much backstory right off the bat. When you went into detail regarding detention I almost spaced out because I was ready for the kids to pull a prank on the poor sub already. Maybe just move the paragraph somewhere else?<br /><br />All in all, great job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88452176951852957282010-07-28T16:48:30.825-04:002010-07-28T16:48:30.825-04:00While parts of this were funny, the majority of it...While parts of this were funny, the majority of it is all telling, and a lot of the telling is infodumping.<br /><br />Finkman shoots a zinger at the sub. The sub shoots one back. Tension rises and I'm wondering, "Ooh. What's gonna happen now?" But the next paragraph stops the story so I can learn about Finkman's past behavior. I want to see his current behavior. And it goes on and on in this way, which was a big turn off for me.<br /><br />Perhaps tell the story without the constant stopping for explanations? We can learn all this info later, as the story progresses. Tell us about all these other people when we meet them. For now, stick to the events at hand. They're funny and lively and much more interesting than all the explanations.<br /><br />Good luck!Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79357764885115914982010-07-28T12:35:04.371-04:002010-07-28T12:35:04.371-04:00I really enjoyed this. Your title and first sente...I really enjoyed this. Your title and first sentence, in particular, made me smile.<br /><br />My few comments are really just quibbles. It seems contradictory that Chuck first identifies Mr. Thompson as easy prey, then later says that tormenting him will be risky. I also wonder if you have too many one-sentence paragraphs right up front--if they might be losing their punch through repetition. Maybe roll the line about Mr. Thompson's life getting worse into the next paragraph?Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12357240497831335619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5975063226799206462010-07-28T12:14:15.938-04:002010-07-28T12:14:15.938-04:00Hey,
First, I would like to save that I really en...Hey,<br /><br />First, I would like to save that I really enjoyed this. Your writing is full of voice and professional-quality. I forgot that I was reading an unpublished excerpt. Take that as high praise!<br /><br />However, the one thing I didn't get here was the hook. What's the plot of the book going to be? Kids pulling pranks? Haven't we seen this before? Give us at least one glimpse of why we should care (I need to take my own advice here). I want to see why the story is different.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00551007849945853798noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78488707039697161272010-07-28T10:57:50.258-04:002010-07-28T10:57:50.258-04:00Finally - I get to read more than the first 250 wo...Finally - I get to read more than the first 250 words! :)<br /><br />I really like the characters and the story premise. I have no complaints about the actual writing. Kids pulling pranks and getting in trouble is fun. And I love the title! Just the title makes me want to read it.<br /><br />My only constructive criticism is that I feel your mc does a lot of telling through out the action. And a lot of that telling is chunks of backstory. What his mom is like. What Finkman's mom is like. I don't mind the telling opening - a lot of mg opens that way. It just seems like after every piece of dialogue there is more telling/backstory. And a lot of that I'm wondering if you could show over the course of the first few chapters. I'd like to delve into the character and the action sooner and experience them for myself.<br /><br />This story has great potential! Great job!Laura Paulinghttp://www.laurapauling.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40494591036774001022010-07-28T10:55:42.325-04:002010-07-28T10:55:42.325-04:00First off, your title cracked me up :) I think you...First off, your title cracked me up :) I think you've done a good job setting up the scene here, with a good intro to the characters. I do wonder if we really need to know the back-story of their shenanigans from the day before? Also, the word "scope" in the first sentence caught me by surprise and made me read it again--I usually associate the word with scoping out women or something (could be just me, but I thought I'd mention it). Otherwise, I thought this was pretty funny :)Meradeth Houstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06741790047121063893noreply@blogger.com