tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post24823529542631739..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: October Secret Agent #17Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51424686475777395802012-10-26T20:45:28.170-04:002012-10-26T20:45:28.170-04:00Interesting concept, but I agree with the others&#...Interesting concept, but I agree with the others' suggestions.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25627993604227747462012-10-25T05:17:00.064-04:002012-10-25T05:17:00.064-04:00I found the information about her terrible gift to...I found the information about her terrible gift to be very telling. I would prefer to have this information built in while she checks on her family, rather than as an info dump in the first two paragraphs.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67718355946760297002012-10-24T23:14:28.313-04:002012-10-24T23:14:28.313-04:00As I've mentioned before, I'm not a fan of...As I've mentioned before, I'm not a fan of books that open with the main character waking up, so when I read the first sentence, my eyes started to glaze over a bit. I'll give this one a pass, though, as there's a good reason for it that might not be accomplished another way. I might suggest changing the first sentence, as it does come across as cliched.<br /><br />Also, cut out the repetition in the second paragraph. There's no reason "terrible gift" needs to be there twice. It just bogs the flow of the sentence down and seems like a typo.<br /><br />I do like the concept, her trying to figure out which family member is in trouble. But dialogue of the last two paragraphs feels a bit hokey.<br /><br />So while I see potential, there's enough that needs work that I wouldn't request to see more.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42474958441829230972012-10-24T17:27:18.528-04:002012-10-24T17:27:18.528-04:00Love this~ great job establishing both the charact...Love this~ great job establishing both the character and a conflict. There's no way I wouldn't turn the page!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14121018905141253640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46692411432875361432012-10-24T16:47:07.929-04:002012-10-24T16:47:07.929-04:00I thought you set the situation up nicely and it e...I thought you set the situation up nicely and it ends on a mysterious note. Maybe show that first parg. Let her wake and feel the pain herself. Don’t tell us about it. Show her being wobbly from dizziness or show the room spinning. Let her actually gasp for breath instead of telling us that’s what she did. Show us her fear. Showing makes the situation more real and will pull the reader in quicker.<br /><br />Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75616287636633638672012-10-24T16:32:12.314-04:002012-10-24T16:32:12.314-04:00Oooh. I really like this, the empathy gift. And t...Oooh. I really like this, the empathy gift. And the mystery surrounding who got hit and why. I'd read on.K. L. Hallamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05672153195378644215noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86117284171027298992012-10-24T12:53:54.206-04:002012-10-24T12:53:54.206-04:00I like Kerry from the beginning--you make her imme...I like Kerry from the beginning--you make her immediately sympathetic with her concern for her family. I also like that you've started right in the middle of the action, but I wonder if you might be able to better show the reader what Kerry is feeling. Here are some lines in particular that I felt might make your opening stronger if they were shown instead of told:<br /><br />That's when she got really scared.<br />Worried now that her parents or her brothers might be sick…<br /><br />Shoshanahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10772447090238311196noreply@blogger.com