tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2495915432972145047..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talkin' Heads #46Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31192919333468404452013-01-31T13:22:18.583-05:002013-01-31T13:22:18.583-05:00A very good job-you both give the characters feeli...A very good job-you both give the characters feelings and tell us what's happening. A few notes:<br /><br />"draws out each syllable" makes Jazzlyn sound like a longer name, which I don't think it is. However, I wouldn't like "both syllables" either.<br /><br />The "what do you <i>think</i> you know" is a little cliche.<br /><br />"If it takes (a) death to convince you" might be a bit less clunky and less passive voice-y.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13593564925888589168noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55663550369741095832013-01-30T02:04:11.421-05:002013-01-30T02:04:11.421-05:00This is sooo hooky!!! I'd suggest dropping the...This is sooo hooky!!! I'd suggest dropping the "as if finishing my sentence" because I don't think you really need it. It flows on well from "kill anyone who gets in your way" whether we realize she's finishing her sentence or not. <br /><br />I thought it was great!!Mimehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03166384979716659441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5324492933924054292013-01-28T20:46:34.554-05:002013-01-28T20:46:34.554-05:00This is fantastic. Especially the line "She ...This is fantastic. Especially the line "She draws out each syllable of my name in a breathy hiss as she snakes her way behind me." More writers need to use figurative language in a confident way, so long as it's not overdone. Mark Muratahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03562597698193306363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18005705113580772082013-01-28T18:29:53.308-05:002013-01-28T18:29:53.308-05:00my only comment is purely personal: I would like t... my only comment is purely personal: I would like to see more vulnerability from Jazzlyn. I wasn't convinced that her boyfriend was important to her, although it probbaly makes sense in context.<br />Also, I found Jazzlyn's constant comments on her physical reactions to her situation distracting. Focus more on her emotional reactions.Camhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08296015826263848696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10622323552978238202013-01-28T12:36:35.296-05:002013-01-28T12:36:35.296-05:00I really liked this! The only thing I noticed was ...I really liked this! The only thing I noticed was a spelling issue, that I think you mean "gagged" not "gaged." The pacing is good. Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44964214271214427752013-01-28T12:18:46.458-05:002013-01-28T12:18:46.458-05:00I agree with previous comment. Great entry!
My on...I agree with previous comment. Great entry!<br /><br />My only critique would be I thought the line "I'll die before helping you" read a tad melodramatic.<br /><br />Perhaps a more scornful "I'd die before helping you"?<br /><br />This made me want to read more.JanetLeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04351167841202171487noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22395175100669158062013-01-28T11:43:20.440-05:002013-01-28T11:43:20.440-05:00I thought this was a great entry. Here is my only...I thought this was a great entry. Here is my only thing:<br /><br />I turn on my heel and stare straight into her eyes, which are a deceivingly warm shade of brown. “That you’re cowards. You steal our food and supplies, and you…” kill anyone who gets in your way. <br /><br />Maybe stop at and.....<br /><br />Since the next bit of dialogue that the other character supplies picks up with the and.<br /><br />Really awesome though!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com