tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2518805508462897090..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 89 Action/Adventure/Diesel PunkAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19597007693504513832010-03-28T03:04:18.830-04:002010-03-28T03:04:18.830-04:00The first line felt overwritten and the voice pass...The first line felt overwritten and the voice passive.<br /><br />Start with the action.Cheryl Snoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18302408206233754972010-03-27T21:58:34.689-04:002010-03-27T21:58:34.689-04:00Not hooked per se, but I'd give it a little mo...Not hooked per se, but I'd give it a little more.Selestialhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11513212631394350304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32384784348716376772010-03-26T21:15:43.418-04:002010-03-26T21:15:43.418-04:00Not hooked.Not hooked.Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18500591162186794152010-03-26T19:55:12.604-04:002010-03-26T19:55:12.604-04:00The POV didn't hook me. It felt too distant.The POV didn't hook me. It felt too distant.Elizabeth Lundhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09225460715942282133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30523297315287412102010-03-25T16:48:48.278-04:002010-03-25T16:48:48.278-04:00I did not connect with the protagonist. I am not h...I did not connect with the protagonist. I am not hooked.David Ferretti IIIhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08077205988316403994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52792740443919756522010-03-25T14:56:32.706-04:002010-03-25T14:56:32.706-04:00too broad. try narrowing down the characters probl...too broad. try narrowing down the characters problem and introduce it through immediate circumstances...then, you'll have me.Ash. Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03796125310595262268noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28740531439930972882010-03-25T14:51:55.883-04:002010-03-25T14:51:55.883-04:00I'm hooked by the genres, but not by the openi...I'm hooked by the genres, but not by the opening lines. They're too neutral and descriptive to draw me in. I'm also confused whether the "lone figure" and the "young woman" are the same, and what exactly the prey is beyond.<br /><br />I'd be more hooked if you brought me into the mind of the woman from the start. What's she seeing and feeling? Why is she out of bed stalking something?Anassahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11554524219883438465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48103152706759252462010-03-25T13:26:46.779-04:002010-03-25T13:26:46.779-04:00My first thought was, "purple." Is the l...My first thought was, "purple." Is the lone figure the woman stalking, or someone else?CindyLou Fosterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16178779080794507708noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61775940220152175522010-03-25T13:18:46.155-04:002010-03-25T13:18:46.155-04:00I agree that it's a bit too wordy. But I would...I agree that it's a bit too wordy. But I would read on to see what's going on.Kristi Faithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17527544253341529009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11637616284832437582010-03-25T13:15:55.946-04:002010-03-25T13:15:55.946-04:00Feels a bit generic. The first sentence is overwri...Feels a bit generic. The first sentence is overwritten.Christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15498766421459190134noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64785575227409363712010-03-25T12:57:17.692-04:002010-03-25T12:57:17.692-04:00She's too distant for me. Giving her a name in...She's too distant for me. Giving her a name instead of 'the young woman' would already help, IMO.Luc2https://www.blogger.com/profile/01069557738924277313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11407013239967189002010-03-25T12:49:40.588-04:002010-03-25T12:49:40.588-04:00There's some action here, but it feels distant...There's some action here, but it feels distant, a little less imminent. I'd suggest tweaking to help us feel a stronger connection to the young woman.Portiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13435815819572442582noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88649138863523321222010-03-25T12:40:25.365-04:002010-03-25T12:40:25.365-04:00Nicely written. But too wordy to hook me. I had to...Nicely written. But too wordy to hook me. I had to stop n' slow WAY DOWN to really see it. ㋡samsevernhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10913647759811350705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83442700388648694462010-03-25T11:59:04.167-04:002010-03-25T11:59:04.167-04:00Not hooked. Not much going on. Diesel punk? That&#...Not hooked. Not much going on. Diesel punk? That's new to me.fairchildnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70044939364116516512010-03-25T11:53:21.159-04:002010-03-25T11:53:21.159-04:00I'd read on to find out what diesel punk is. B...I'd read on to find out what diesel punk is. But for my preference, and this is just me, I'd identify the woman first, as in, "moonlight illuminated the young woman's path." and then "the lone figure stalked a prey."Sheila JGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15371582292020275894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20065186009561520142010-03-25T11:34:48.624-04:002010-03-25T11:34:48.624-04:00Lot of description--start with the second sentence...Lot of description--start with the second sentence and drop the mystery in the first about the 'figure' just to clean it up. I am kinda hooked, though.Chantal Kirklandhttp://eternallyconfused.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42245148982316531992010-03-25T11:13:44.774-04:002010-03-25T11:13:44.774-04:00The narrative seems a bit distant. Almost a mood p...The narrative seems a bit distant. Almost a mood piece. I'd read some more to see if it picked up.Joshua McCunehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17367262185912463258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28107203999703533242010-03-25T11:13:17.339-04:002010-03-25T11:13:17.339-04:00i think the word for this is "overwritten&quo...i think the word for this is "overwritten". Not hooked.Momwomannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86340417849289291832010-03-25T11:10:26.443-04:002010-03-25T11:10:26.443-04:00too general and too much like so many others...not...too general and too much like so many others...not hookedCarolyn Chambers Clarkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03494503999922712440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8477586909104231252010-03-25T11:03:34.400-04:002010-03-25T11:03:34.400-04:00Hmm. I'd read a little more to see if it kept ...Hmm. I'd read a little more to see if it kept me, but there's not enough here to make me go WOW so far.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76336150377335376132010-03-25T10:55:19.150-04:002010-03-25T10:55:19.150-04:00I'm not hooked by this. It may be a genre thin...I'm not hooked by this. It may be a genre thing. I'm thinking it's going to be yet another paranormal story, which I'm oversaturated with right now.Michellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05192888587472646161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71447713572077905422010-03-25T10:36:57.919-04:002010-03-25T10:36:57.919-04:00Nothing wrong with this, but prob not provocative ...Nothing wrong with this, but prob not provocative enough for a first line. The best opening lines I've seen give reader a sense of character and plot even if the specifics aren't spelled out...Bluestockinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01225973854788421827noreply@blogger.com