tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2576850079440883951..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: F2S 34Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26034234398520060182008-12-04T17:56:00.000-05:002008-12-04T17:56:00.000-05:00It feels like there's too many words before we get...It feels like there's too many words before we get to the action. Other than that, interesting opening.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78404987661184145552008-12-04T10:07:00.000-05:002008-12-04T10:07:00.000-05:00The second sentence is awkward and the first is a ...The second sentence is awkward and the first is a tad cliché. Overall, it doesn’t flow for me because he’s got dread, he shakes it off, and then it returns (for obvious good reason). The transitions are so quick though and I don’t know why he was in dread in the first place so it doesn’t quite work for me. Also, with the axe-wielding giants I’m assuming this is MG or YA fantasy? Plus, wielding implies movement, while standing in the shadows implies hiding, which is a bit of a contradiction. Not hooked.Anette J Kreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7408018676916467792008-12-03T21:38:00.000-05:002008-12-03T21:38:00.000-05:00'Dread danced' nearly killed it for me. Dancing is...'Dread danced' nearly killed it for me. Dancing is an upbeat adjective to me...I'd prefer skittered, tingled, or something that coincides with dread. <BR/><BR/>The 2nd sentence is a fragment and is really part of the 1st sentence.<BR/><BR/>Otherwise, I'd read on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16193020303309523162008-12-03T21:33:00.000-05:002008-12-03T21:33:00.000-05:00Very intriguing. First sentence is good descriptio...Very intriguing. First sentence is good description. Second makes me think it's a modern day fantasy mix. I'd read on for sure.Bethlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00399849555406133310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3720468851133664392008-12-03T20:39:00.000-05:002008-12-03T20:39:00.000-05:00Annoyance seems much weaker than dread... I think ...Annoyance seems much weaker than dread... I think that's my problem with the first sentence. I like th second one though. ;)Ardythhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15379643762791779892noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67095902605313946252008-12-03T20:27:00.000-05:002008-12-03T20:27:00.000-05:00Agree that the opening description is a bit heavy,...Agree that the opening description is a bit heavy, but the second line definitely hooked me.Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16808422346231692162008-12-03T19:24:00.000-05:002008-12-03T19:24:00.000-05:00Dread sounds an awful lot like a mosquito... :IS...Dread sounds an awful lot like a mosquito... :I<BR/><BR/>Second sentence is a fragment.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76720254167983875302008-12-03T15:37:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:37:00.000-05:00I don't like the personification of emotions, eith...I don't like the personification of emotions, either. Seems kinda overdone. Also, it's not immediately clear whether the MC stops shaking off the dread, or the dread stops dancing, when she sees the axe-wielding giants.<BR/><BR/>Also, it's not a big thing, but the second sentence isn't a complete sentence.Anna Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08774415814789806840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91731591150569350042008-12-03T15:22:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:22:00.000-05:00I hate personification of emotions. Dread danced, ...I hate personification of emotions. Dread danced, fear licked, etc. It stands out and distracts me from the narrative. =/ If you change that to something more straightforward, I think it'd work well.<BR/><BR/>StephStephhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13659688646243833862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24919209702026178522008-12-03T15:01:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:01:00.000-05:00"Danced along my skin" is almost akin to a cliche ..."Danced along my skin" is almost akin to a cliche in my mind. Way over-used. I'd try for a fresher way to start this. <BR/><BR/>And instead of starting in the seconds before the narrator sees the giants, how about starting in the seconds AFTER?Jeannie Rueschhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16121805051292444835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1143839141785179692008-12-03T14:43:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:43:00.000-05:00Feels formulaic. But with a bit of stronger voice,...Feels formulaic. But with a bit of stronger voice, I'd be hooked.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15772115162429818530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67151440091548334442008-12-03T13:54:00.000-05:002008-12-03T13:54:00.000-05:00I liked it and would read on.:) TerriI liked it and would read on.<BR/><BR/>:) TerriTerriRainerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16301763290901887933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62256608010080640282008-12-03T13:42:00.000-05:002008-12-03T13:42:00.000-05:00The opening metaphor is a bit too strong for me, b...The opening metaphor is a bit too strong for me, but I like the bit about the giants.JS Bangshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09380732454877495290noreply@blogger.com