tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2649485156317766726..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent #44Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31938865157547554052012-04-15T14:07:58.819-04:002012-04-15T14:07:58.819-04:00The writing is fine, but I was also confused about...The writing is fine, but I was also confused about where exactly they were and what they were doing. I think you need a little clearer description or more specifics to really set the scene and identify where they are.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70593518702922244042012-04-15T13:17:59.755-04:002012-04-15T13:17:59.755-04:00I think I need to know that these girls aren't...I think I need to know that these girls aren't doing something super dangerous. A bit more of a hint would be good. <br /><br />If they are doing something dangerous, is that why Livvie's that nervous and scared? Why aren't the other girls that nervous or scared? Are they just making her do it?<br /><br />The first line could be much stronger. I'm totally distracted by the bench description. Tell me about Livvie.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3070270561567687662012-04-13T22:13:50.988-04:002012-04-13T22:13:50.988-04:00I am sorry but this left me totally confused. I ha...I am sorry but this left me totally confused. I had no idea what was happening or who was who. The descriptions added to the confusion. I think there are the kernels of interesting characters here - perhaps a solution would be too just be more direct - this is who I am, this is who I'm with and this is what we are doing. I read it again, then again, and I was still lost. Sorry. Since others have had such positive reactions, I am sure the fault must be my own.Happy Dolphinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26158402333802210432012-04-13T07:57:31.162-04:002012-04-13T07:57:31.162-04:00Would like a bit more punch - seems to meander.Would like a bit more punch - seems to meander.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39418950711156629852012-04-12T12:22:10.434-04:002012-04-12T12:22:10.434-04:00I want to like this so much, but I think a little ...I want to like this so much, but I think a little more context is needed. This scene would probably fit great a few pages in, or within another chapter, but for a first page i need to know exactly why they are forging signatures and for her to give more context for the synesthesia. Not everyone knows what this is; even a line about her reflecting how weird it was to see words in color gives more context than just saying synesthesia. <br /><br />I know there's a delicate balance between infodump and building tension, but first pages should really lay out what's happening so readers can hook into the story. I feel like i'm waiting to get to what's really happening.<br /><br />Best of luck to you - I've seen this excerpt elsewhere on blogs and I'm sure you have a great story!Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73376263533622025412012-04-12T12:18:59.060-04:002012-04-12T12:18:59.060-04:00Great voice, simple opening. I think it's cont...Great voice, simple opening. I think it's contemporary enough to draw in readers. Immediately I want to know what is going to happen and how this unfolds. Nice dialogue too.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84212684494060442502012-04-12T11:54:20.410-04:002012-04-12T11:54:20.410-04:00I was also confused by the synesthesia part, but o...I was also confused by the synesthesia part, but other than that I am intrigued and would keep reading.aberthothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13966218370118807189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48925136665895056382012-04-11T21:41:27.497-04:002012-04-11T21:41:27.497-04:00I like the descriptions in the opening, but I was ...I like the descriptions in the opening, but I was confused by 'rusty orange'. I had a hard time keeping the characters straight. You have 3 that I count, the MC, Mel, and Hanna all in the first 200 words. That was a little quick for me. I like characters to be introduced a little more slowly (maybe that's just me?).<br /><br />The descriptions are strong throughout, but I had a little trouble following the action. Synethesia is anesthesia? I agree with Dana, there's lots of good stuff, but it all comes so quick we never get grounded.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01021888227904891627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56383213481492751322012-04-11T20:51:48.882-04:002012-04-11T20:51:48.882-04:00Love the voice. I'm intrigued too! Curious wha...Love the voice. I'm intrigued too! Curious what comes next and how the title fits in.Mandie Baxterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01178057465311925795noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84636972750102835242012-04-11T16:26:18.767-04:002012-04-11T16:26:18.767-04:00I think there is potential here because the voice ...I think there is potential here because the voice is good.<br /><br />At first, I thought you were way over-describing things until I got to the synethesia sentence. The only reason it made sense to me then is because I'd recently read Ultraviolet, which has an amazing YA MC with synethesia.<br /><br />But I think you're going to have to figure out a way to express her condition without bogging up the writing with way over the top and confusing descriptions. <br /><br />Also, I felt like you were playing with false tension here- withholding important info just to make the reader read on.<br /><br />And because that made me feel confused and annoyed, I don't think I would.ripleyhttp://www.ripleypatton.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6888986311561519872012-04-11T16:21:45.076-04:002012-04-11T16:21:45.076-04:00I'm not hooked yet, but this is only 250 words...I'm not hooked yet, but this is only 250 words. I'd read more because I think as strong as the writing is it wouldn't take much more for me to get there.<br /><br />Good job!LindaHnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89031253321759430912012-04-11T15:18:32.591-04:002012-04-11T15:18:32.591-04:00I think this works. I'm curious and would read...I think this works. I'm curious and would read on. I've heard of synesthesia, the condition where you can smell color or see music or scents have a visual, etc.<br /><br />I the curling photos made me wonder if they were going to model, nude or otherwise, but tatoos would be a good guess as well. Obviously something most moms wouldn't sign a permission slip for their under 18 daughters to do.<br /><br />I'm hooked.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14324491231695823916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23675400120585065152012-04-11T15:12:50.989-04:002012-04-11T15:12:50.989-04:00I like it. The writing is dynamic, the voices are ...I like it. The writing is dynamic, the voices are totally teen, and their situation is mysterious. I like the hints dropped about bursting colors and synesthesia. This entry drops us in the middle of an intriguing scene with realistic people, not overdone tropes.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07735576044552810103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32289296098013762402012-04-11T15:10:35.864-04:002012-04-11T15:10:35.864-04:00I would keep reading because I have no idea what i...I would keep reading because I have no idea what is going to happen next. I do feel hooked but I wish I knew more about the story. <br />I was confused by the line "... burnig color by synesthesia had painted the world." <br />I think it is well written though and would definitely read on.Brittanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09513345974065405602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5035488188076066862012-04-11T14:18:17.604-04:002012-04-11T14:18:17.604-04:00I'm going to go with tattoos as well!
Not str...I'm going to go with tattoos as well!<br /><br />Not strong enough to really entice me to read on. It was well-written, but I wasn't necessarily grabbed.J. Kaitlin Adamshttp://twitter.com/jk_adamsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71926982481955903202012-04-11T13:54:10.806-04:002012-04-11T13:54:10.806-04:00I'm intrigued and want to find out what they&#...I'm intrigued and want to find out what they're up to, so I would keep reading. A couple things through me off--<br />"Each burst sent a cloud of rusty orange scattering through my brain." I'm not sure what the "burst" is--prior to that you talk about a buzzing; is burst referring to that? And if I knew what the burst was, then the "rusty orange scattering" might make sense.<br />"...still trying to shake off the burning color my synesthesia had painted the world." I really don't know what this means, sorry.<br />Otherwise, I like this!Linda Cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18463386883461843232012-04-11T13:47:41.021-04:002012-04-11T13:47:41.021-04:00i'm gonna guess- are they getting tattoos?i'm gonna guess- are they getting tattoos?Anne Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04695186823472404436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15634155486451182492012-04-11T13:37:20.020-04:002012-04-11T13:37:20.020-04:00I just feel... confused. I'm honestly not sure...I just feel... confused. I'm honestly not sure what's happening here. I don't feel grounded. I got that they forged their parents's signatures (though I will admit that I read previous comments to make sure I got that right). But the "make money" part of the dialogue threw me to the point that I was no longer sure where this interaction took place. My first guess was outside a principal's office, but now I'm not sure.<br /><br />So my suggestion is to focus a little less on all the plot points, and ground us more so we're oriented in the direction you want us to go.<br /><br />Good luck!Melissa Jacksonhttp://melissa-jackson.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69192847795709629122012-04-11T12:22:09.289-04:002012-04-11T12:22:09.289-04:00I like the starting point - girls forging parent&#...I like the starting point - girls forging parent's signatures - but I'm a little confused. You have a whole lot of names and characters, a plot hatching (that isn't clear...forged slips seem simple, but the "they want to make money. I wish they'd hurry up" is baffling without context). Then you have a mysterious space - wooden bench, old curling photos, lopsided doors...no clear cues where they are. And finaly there's her synethesia...a really interesting and unusual piece that's just dropped into the mix. I think there's some great stuff here, but it's all too squished in...I'm too lost to want to keep reading, even though I think I like where it's going!<br />Good luck! Dana (#41)Danahttp://www.danaalisonlevy.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78939341132466256732012-04-11T12:16:10.141-04:002012-04-11T12:16:10.141-04:00It's not 'high action', but I think it...It's not 'high action', but I think it's a fantastic hook. These girls are doing something they know they shouldn't be, and that's compelling. And I agree with the voice comment ^_^Loralie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07134452749240292803noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5665691367018158742012-04-11T11:47:04.500-04:002012-04-11T11:47:04.500-04:00This is great. I love the voice, and I have nothin...This is great. I love the voice, and I have nothing to add.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.com