tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2704352137753510427..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #41Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50643690800425400552010-09-23T04:57:52.249-04:002010-09-23T04:57:52.249-04:00I really liked this setup. But the voice doesn'...I really liked this setup. But the voice doesn't sound YA to me -- it sounds older. <br /><br />Also, when you're descrbing the garbage, would Jorgen really be noticing "garnishes" cause otherwise, you should change that I think. <br /><br />I agree with what some of the others have said about you giving too much up front -- TAG, Recall X, Heidengul.Basthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12561466241112288690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85279393866479925782010-09-23T00:28:26.996-04:002010-09-23T00:28:26.996-04:00a little too much info dumping with all those unfa...a little too much info dumping with all those unfamiliar things like TAG , Recall X, etc...<br /><br />This didn't seem YA, but more adult to me.<br /><br />not sure on this one.angela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83527944933353233482010-09-22T19:22:45.503-04:002010-09-22T19:22:45.503-04:00I liked the scene setting in the beginning with th...I liked the scene setting in the beginning with the smell and the garbage. But then I got a bit lost, with the TAG operative and things that other posters have commented on. It felt like a info dump. That being said, I think your premise is great. It just needs to be developed differently.Blodwynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40162255672482416742010-09-22T17:24:40.661-04:002010-09-22T17:24:40.661-04:00I am very confused. First there is Jorgen (male, ...I am very confused. First there is Jorgen (male, I believe), looking at a rat. Then there is a girl staring at him. Is the rat a girl? (At first read, it seemed like that possibly). Then, there is a lot of information presented without any context: TAG operative, Recall X, Heidengul. This was hard to follow and it's too much information too quickly without getting to know the characters.<br /><br />On a side note, this didn't <i>feel</i> YA to me as I was reading. I don't think I'd keep reading after this.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28372294757266800882010-09-22T16:20:56.897-04:002010-09-22T16:20:56.897-04:00I didn't care much for this entry. I agree wit...I didn't care much for this entry. I agree with most of the comments above. <br />This scene seems a little too familiar... answer my questions or I'll kill you. If you have to go this route for the story gives us more, a fresh take on this.<br /><br />Some good descriptions and noticable voice in here, so the talent is there.Joel Qnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56835843025661942712010-09-22T16:01:01.066-04:002010-09-22T16:01:01.066-04:00That last comment should be from Divawrites. Hit t...That last comment should be from Divawrites. Hit the wrong key.Divawritesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86616974154474058322010-09-22T16:00:03.563-04:002010-09-22T16:00:03.563-04:00Your scene-setting was so vivid I said "ew&qu...Your scene-setting was so vivid I said "ew" out loud. <br /><br />The girl seems pretty calm for someone apparently out of options. <br /><br />I think the third paragraph would work well if it was dialogue rather than information. Do we need to know all of this at this point in the story? I didn't know what a "safety rest" was, although I like the "about to come to an abrupt halt." <br /><br />Great last line.Divanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20530467038165596862010-09-22T14:50:47.305-04:002010-09-22T14:50:47.305-04:00I like this, but I skimmed though the third paragr...I like this, but I skimmed though the third paragraph. Cut it and weave it in after this point. Right now it reads like an info dump and kills the pace and intrigue. <br /><br />Love the last line. <br /><br />I would read a little further to see where it's going. So consider me hooked. :D<br /><br /><br />Good luck with it!Anjanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29084888206949004542010-09-22T14:17:23.609-04:002010-09-22T14:17:23.609-04:00The premise sounds interesting but I didn't th...The premise sounds interesting but I didn't think it worked as presented. The opening parg. was really clunky reading and leads me to believe it's going to have some importance. Then I get to parg. 2 are realize the first parg. doesn't matter at all. Perhaps start with the girl and add the smells of the garbage in as a backdrop.<br /><br />Also, there is no indication he has this girl in his clutches, or that he's threatening her until he says - this is your last chance. Until then, she could be standing anywhere doing anything. And if he's threatening her, why is he focusing on her calves? (Although I did like that description!) Pehaps mention that's he's pressing her against a wall or clutching her by the neck or something that shows she's a captive.<br /><br />Third parg. is an info dump and others have already commented. And then sighing and saying - you're sure? - when the girl refuses to tell him what he wants doesn't make him sound very threatening. He comes across as a bit bumbling, and I didn't get the impression that you were going for that. Perhaps consider rewriting the opening.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38008325693307325042010-09-22T12:48:19.978-04:002010-09-22T12:48:19.978-04:00I agree with Elena. I didn't mind the feeling ...I agree with Elena. I didn't mind the feeling that I was walking into the middle of a conversation but this takes a completely random turn. <br /><br />You expect us to process a lot of information: TAG, Recall X, Heidengul, without any real payoff. I have no idea who Jorgen is or why I should care. <br /><br />I like the idea of this setup but maybe you should flesh out the dialogue a little bit and reveal the information in a more natural way.Ashley Girardihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13594552975218426095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11829280609160671452010-09-22T12:29:01.609-04:002010-09-22T12:29:01.609-04:00I like the idea of a showdown between two (gov'...I like the idea of a showdown between two (gov't?) operatives. The description of the girl's movements was also very vivid. Not sure what's so important they have to fight. More banter may be a way to add tension and introduce info to the reader (or tease them into reading more). I'd read on, but I'd want to see a bit more about what's going on, who Jorgen is, etc.Bluestockinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01225973854788421827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38892255416356315102010-09-22T10:43:57.833-04:002010-09-22T10:43:57.833-04:00You had me up until this paragraph:
Part of him a...You had me up until this paragraph:<br /><br />Part of him admired the TAG operative, and did not want to kill her. He would do it though; she wasn't giving him the information about Recall X, whatever that was. An event, a location, a person--it could be anything. He was rarely informed. Their agencies shared similar interests in projects quite often, but what she was doing in Philadelphia, he was unsure of. Perhaps it was a safety rest. If so, it was about to come to an abrupt halt.<br /><br />It's one big info-dump. As a reader, I want information told in a natural way, through dialogue and action. Think of this way: Is any of this information vital to the beginning of the story? And is any of this information repeated later on in the novel? If so, cut this paragraph. I had a great crit once that said: A reader should have to work a little to read your book - just don't make them work too hard.<br /><br />So in other words, leave us in the dark a bit so we want to read more. Turn the lights on every once in a while, but at the start of a story especially, leave me wanting more so that I make it to the end of the chapter.Elena Solodowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03037029195682225565noreply@blogger.com