tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2833561751088611779..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: August Secret Agent Contest #29Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14166272864406697952011-08-20T00:09:48.479-04:002011-08-20T00:09:48.479-04:00This is a romance? Seems more like a thriller with...This is a romance? Seems more like a thriller with this opening gambit. The pacing is pretty good, and the drawing of a scene and landscape. But everything here feels familiar -- the set-up, the take-down, the relaxed all-powerful commander, the contemptuous rebel leader with the sex Russian-y name. Even her rejoinder, "Who would like to know?" feels ripped from a potboiler movie script. Some might like this sort of "familiarity" in a romantic/thriller, but it's not my thing.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65270435028514081552011-08-19T16:55:58.255-04:002011-08-19T16:55:58.255-04:00I think the premise is interesting and that draws ...I think the premise is interesting and that draws me in, but I'm not a huge fan of the writing. some word choices threw me off and pulled me out of the passage.<br /><br />Some of the things were:<br /><br />"spat at him and garbled something" - garbled doesn't seem like the right choice<br /><br />"neighborhood caught in the boundary between residential London and the docks" - adding "caught" and the rest of the sentence after that really lengthens the sentence and kills the mood of a sudden attack. Instead of seeing the swiftly developing fight, the reader gets bogged down with a bit of setting that could be included elsewhere<br /><br />"blooming contusions" - using "Bruises" would be more alliterative and seem more natural. Contusions sounds weird in an vernacular.duwarrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17808867257167768008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30810329840879925612011-08-18T19:49:13.251-04:002011-08-18T19:49:13.251-04:00I liked what you were going for, but I don't t...I liked what you were going for, but I don't think it's there yet.<br /><br />Your opening reads likes Montague signals and the action suddenly begins. But, as it turns out, the action has already started, and Montague is signalling to move in on the anarchists' hideout.<br /><br />You've got Montague surveying the scene and scanning the scene. If you want to show what the MC is seeing, just describe it. Since we're in the viewpoint of your MC, we assume it's what he's seeing. Omit the scanning and surveying.<br /><br />Accompanied by a sneer, he knew well what she thought of him. -- This means he was accompanied by a sneer. It needs to be part of the previous sentence, because it is the woman who is sneering.<br /><br />The story itself is interesting and exciting. Perhaps do another rewrite or two with an eye on the writing and what your words and sentences are actually saying.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89471081732648245692011-08-18T16:29:35.470-04:002011-08-18T16:29:35.470-04:00I'd start with paragraph 2 as the lead and the...I'd start with paragraph 2 as the lead and then add some background later. That way, a stage is set, we get to the action right away.Durango Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14854000354374970070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79784264184283845132011-08-18T00:08:40.460-04:002011-08-18T00:08:40.460-04:00I like that you started with action. However, I wa...I like that you started with action. However, I wanted a little more info about Montaque in order to connect with him.<br /><br />I would read a little more though to see where this is going.rheanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90705315380973956332011-08-17T12:12:14.600-04:002011-08-17T12:12:14.600-04:00I'm not exactly hooked, but I would keep readi...I'm not exactly hooked, but I would keep reading out of curiosity, to find out exactly what these people have done and who Montague is.<br /><br />That said, I don't think "Montague signaled" is a strong enough opening sentence. After all, it could mean anything, up to and including that Montague is a sentient traffic light. <br /><br />I think that starting off with the results of his actions - the shouting and gunshots as men rush the anarchist compound (that is what they're doing, right?) - would be a stronger opening, followed by a Montague-focused paragraph that establishes who he is and what he's doing, relevant to the scene.<br /><br />Still, always nice to see an Alternate History around. ^_^ Good work and good luck.Addley C. Fanninhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00187955352666529964noreply@blogger.com