tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2864684864459667939..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Are You Hooked? Middle Grade #17Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24807734546732665542016-05-01T14:03:42.276-04:002016-05-01T14:03:42.276-04:00I wanted to keep reading! IMO, it's just gross...I wanted to keep reading! IMO, it's just gross enough to attract boys, and underdog enough to attract girls. It was a stretch to believe the wall smells like gum, but I haven't been there, so maybe it does. Good luck with the rest of the story!C. R. Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04627499155109943973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71950294991567374382016-05-01T13:57:45.267-04:002016-05-01T13:57:45.267-04:00These critiques are much appreciated! Thanks!
Rea...These critiques are much appreciated! Thanks!<br /><br />Ready to tackle the next revision,<br />Jeanne (aka Mama Chai)Jeanne Ryanhttp://www.jeanneryan.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91452628670182714332016-04-30T13:04:37.375-04:002016-04-30T13:04:37.375-04:00This is a great start. I would keep reading.
Fo...This is a great start. I would keep reading. <br /><br />For me the gum description was a bit long, but kids would probably love it!<br /><br />Keep up the great work!S.D.Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05707682524268581476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37539817104370770262016-04-29T12:28:44.554-04:002016-04-29T12:28:44.554-04:00The description of the wall is great...good hook a...The description of the wall is great...good hook and it is a unique one too. After deep breath number two, though, you begin to tell instead of show. I would like to be in this kid's head more and feel what he's feeling. Might not even need to know about the OCD yet...save that for later. OCD plays out in so many interesting ways that it leaves you ample opportunity to create that platform before naming it directly. Great premise for the story!Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00953304463413984709noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49118376814699554172016-04-29T12:28:32.981-04:002016-04-29T12:28:32.981-04:00The description of the wall is great...good hook a...The description of the wall is great...good hook and it is a unique one too. After deep breath number two, though, you begin to tell instead of show. I would like to be in this kid's head more and feel what he's feeling. Might not even need to know about the OCD yet...save that for later. OCD plays out in so many interesting ways that it leaves you ample opportunity to create that platform before naming it directly. Great premise for the story!Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00953304463413984709noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58012314969364356152016-04-29T08:49:24.993-04:002016-04-29T08:49:24.993-04:00Hm. Love the concept. I wonder if you cut some of ...Hm. Love the concept. I wonder if you cut some of these paragraphs and showed his physical reaction more and talked about what he was thinking less. Help us see the world through his eyes? Like what does he/she do to remedy seeing all these germs. Not totally sure, but I'm intrigued with the voice and the potential for a person with OCD going through the world. <br /><br />I also think you should mention that there's a portrait of his dead dad behind this gum that he wants/needs immediately. That would up the stakes to a nice high level right from the start. That could even be your opening line. (Layers of gum and layers of Lennon is a nice mirror image by the way.)<br /><br />Good luck!Mark Holtzenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17951708881333152501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14638249351734030512016-04-29T00:05:52.960-04:002016-04-29T00:05:52.960-04:00The blurb is great. Sounds like a good mystery and...The blurb is great. Sounds like a good mystery and character arc. The ending was bam. I wanted to read more. Now, my initial thought until the end was that the voice was too old, the observations and vocabulary had me doubting, but I guess if he’s a kid genius type, taught himself conversational Spanish, then maybe the voice does fit. The writing is nice and smooth. Great job.Scottnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6140818438304681732016-04-28T19:34:24.660-04:002016-04-28T19:34:24.660-04:00awells
I love the voice, and I think this is star...awells<br /><br />I love the voice, and I think this is starting off really well. I'm hoping that you have researched enough to get the OCD part right (not enough here to tell), because that component of your story line is one of the things this has going for it.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08558222662905520768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72243985993683917712016-04-28T13:07:33.920-04:002016-04-28T13:07:33.920-04:00I liked the tone and the direction of the story. Y...I liked the tone and the direction of the story. Yes, I'm hooked and would read more. GeeWizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06941244713771870949noreply@blogger.com