tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2892063932295425049..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #24Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57824671234166749582011-09-24T08:18:29.020-04:002011-09-24T08:18:29.020-04:00'Broom closet' was feeling overused to me ...'Broom closet' was feeling overused to me by the end of the piece. I agree with those above that this should start with action. Show us Joseph falling down the stairs and discovering it.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79944771134490603682011-09-22T16:46:07.000-04:002011-09-22T16:46:07.000-04:00You had me intrigued with the title alone. I defi...You had me intrigued with the title alone. I definitely want to read more but I agree with the comments about showing Jacob in action and cutting down on the repetition. I also found myself counting the number of times you used the words "broom closet." You might check out how Suzanne Collins gets her character underground in GREGOR THE OVERLANDER.KCHnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30561150781591872322011-09-22T14:26:10.546-04:002011-09-22T14:26:10.546-04:00This feels more like a middle grade than a YA to m...This feels more like a middle grade than a YA to me, both in tone and premise. <br /><br />I like writing to be a little cleaner, but that's a personal thing.<br /><br />I do think that you should cut down on repetition. The words "broom closet" are used four times and the words "door" or "doors" are used seven times.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18344652640710548712011-09-22T14:21:22.380-04:002011-09-22T14:21:22.380-04:00I thought you had an interesting premise here and ...I thought you had an interesting premise here and a nice set up. We're hit with the mystery right away. <br /><br />But like the previous entry, everything is told by a narrator. Personally, I would have liked to have seen Joseph in action. Let him fall down the stairs and find the door. Let him clean off the name plate etc. Allow Joseph to act, to speak, and think. It's his story after all.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3743643634367391622011-09-22T11:21:15.639-04:002011-09-22T11:21:15.639-04:00totally hooked. loved this one. the only thing tha...totally hooked. loved this one. the only thing that made me wonder a little is why hinges on the outside would be a door designed to keep someone in? After thinking about it, I suppose it's because someone on the inside could unscrew the hinges, assuming they had the tools to do so. Anyway, this would not have stopped me, just a small detail that wasn't immediately obvious to me why that was true.Mark Andreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490077640536513271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12814352788325916032011-09-22T06:09:24.116-04:002011-09-22T06:09:24.116-04:00I like this. Especially the title is great. The fi...I like this. Especially the title is great. The first sentence is telling. you could avoid this if you changed the order of events slightly. Let him fall down the stairs, clean the door and then ponder why he hadn't seen it before.Katharina Gerlachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223722392075669331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13766491471248152832011-09-21T22:47:34.222-04:002011-09-21T22:47:34.222-04:00It's an interesting premise. Your voice is go...It's an interesting premise. Your voice is good. I'm wondering if you realize how close your character's name is to Nathan Bransford's book? His is Jacob Wonderbar. Maybe you could open with a little more action? Have your character fall down the stairs and land at this door he's never seen before.Janice Sperryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00178805752960449557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18713218288891725232011-09-21T19:29:33.401-04:002011-09-21T19:29:33.401-04:00great writing and i'm hooked. maybe break up ...great writing and i'm hooked. maybe break up the paragraphs a little more, esp. the last one.Heather Day Gilberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12353914883176152555noreply@blogger.com