tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2933646549637785517..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #24Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57701864951841140342010-05-23T21:29:43.767-04:002010-05-23T21:29:43.767-04:00Love! The dialogue is great, and I can feel her re...Love! The dialogue is great, and I can feel her resentment for being invited to the family party and not the friend one. I feel like there's much more to the story that will unfold, which will hopefully involve Ryan.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59150503709837970482010-05-23T01:44:19.581-04:002010-05-23T01:44:19.581-04:00Hooked. I can sense an underlying conflict in this...Hooked. I can sense an underlying conflict in this one, but I think perhaps a few more internals would give this greater depth :DVeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03844706436726113433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13728204357703336102010-05-22T21:57:43.881-04:002010-05-22T21:57:43.881-04:00There wasn't much happening but I liked it eno...There wasn't much happening but I liked it enough that I'd read on. For me, the hook was finding out more about the party she wasn't invited to. The second paragraph suggested to me that the MC wasn't all that happy about not being invited, since she said fun was on the other side of the fence (i.e. not on her side). The back and forth dialogue didn't bother me in this case, I could follow who was saying what, but it can be confusing so I agree with other commenters to insert some actions. Other than that, I like it!Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-496626870985204942010-05-20T07:57:16.213-04:002010-05-20T07:57:16.213-04:00This sounds very true to life but I'm not sure...This sounds very true to life but I'm not sure what the conflict is, so I don't know if I'd keep reading.Kelly Hashwayhttp://www.kellyhashway.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83735406749702328962010-05-19T20:44:59.558-04:002010-05-19T20:44:59.558-04:00Not quite hooked. I liked the beginning, but halfw...Not quite hooked. I liked the beginning, but halfway through, I started thinking, "Whoa ... case of the Talking Heads. Not sure who's saying what anymore. Brain overload ..." Long bits of dialog like this, without any tags, might work later on, when we get to know your characters, but too much in the first 250 is overwhelming for the reader who is new to your story. Best of luck!JESSJORDANhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08915521022827231804noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81107874870911981352010-05-19T19:39:34.488-04:002010-05-19T19:39:34.488-04:00The dialogue is realistic, but it's just conve...The dialogue is realistic, but it's just conversation. Nothing happens.<br /><br />Why is not being at that party important to the story? If it's not, you don't need it. If it is, give us clue. How does she feel about not being there? Angry, slightly miffed, doesn't really care.<br /><br />While the writing's good, there's no way for me to guess what this story is about. There's no reason to read on.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45871642683859071822010-05-19T14:27:30.109-04:002010-05-19T14:27:30.109-04:00The dialogue is realistic, but it doesn't do a...The dialogue is realistic, but it doesn't do a lot for me. I'd like to see more information in the conversation. The conversation describes the situation, but I don't really get to know the main character that well. I'd like to find out more about her and what she's thinking in the opening.duwarrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01984057240748766051noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79991044542693804662010-05-19T13:29:20.278-04:002010-05-19T13:29:20.278-04:00I really liked this. I just want a touch of confli...I really liked this. I just want a touch of conflict and some of her emotions about not being invited. Good start!Christinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12551728816954557972010-05-19T13:02:22.354-04:002010-05-19T13:02:22.354-04:00You paint a very realistic picture here. The writ...You paint a very realistic picture here. The writing is good and the dialogue is well-written. But I have to say for a first page, I'm not intrigued. Nothing really happens, other than a girl not getting invited to her neighbor's second party...it just doesn't draw me in.<br />Good luck!Pen-Up Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17349431443527029558noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37891016274595049832010-05-19T11:58:31.677-04:002010-05-19T11:58:31.677-04:00You did a great job with the characters voice and ...You did a great job with the characters voice and setting the scene without tedious infodumping.<br /><br />Not exactly hooked because we don't know what the conflict will be (of course, it's only the first 250), but I would read on based on the voice to see if it's mentioned in the next few pages.Dorothy Dreyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07359417869474783409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7955709969170076132010-05-19T11:03:43.893-04:002010-05-19T11:03:43.893-04:00I'm with melodycolleen on this one, but it is ...I'm with melodycolleen on this one, but it is well-written.<br /><br />Good luck with SA!Sarah Erberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04372612203349863638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91367634239268185542010-05-19T10:37:06.110-04:002010-05-19T10:37:06.110-04:00I think you've done a very nice job of reflect...I think you've done a very nice job of reflecting the dialogue of two teens on the phone. Sounds totally real to me.<br /><br />I'm just wondering what the conflict is here, though. Is it going to be the kid who's having the party that she wasn't invited to, or is it something that has to do with her plans with her friend falling apart? If it's not party guy, then you've wasted 250 words on a beginning that could be tightened up with the real conflict.<br /><br />Just my opinion. I would keep reading either way, because I like your writing. Very realistic.<br /><br />good luck!melodycolleennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11015483746453026602010-05-19T10:13:23.160-04:002010-05-19T10:13:23.160-04:00Good job on your character's voice. I'm le...Good job on your character's voice. I'm left wondering why she wasn't invited to the party so am intrigued. Dialogue is snappy and realistic, however perhaps break it up a little with some internal thoughts?<br />Anyway, I'm hooked!Ravenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05201095217806362454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44177419846014076802010-05-19T10:11:26.788-04:002010-05-19T10:11:26.788-04:00Out of the five I critted, this is my fave so far....Out of the five I critted, this is my fave so far. I would keep reading.<br /><br />For now I suggest that you fix that difficult 2nd paragraph and maybe add some physical action during the dialog. Talking Heads syndrom ;-)mepurfieldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17883012638377969823noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6503689170867780672010-05-19T09:59:32.302-04:002010-05-19T09:59:32.302-04:00I like this- it throws us directly into some actio...I like this- it throws us directly into some action and I'm intrigued by the fact that she hasn't been invited to the party but I'm wondering how she's feeling about it.Creepy Query Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18115161057496086972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74423021909716368152010-05-19T09:33:30.231-04:002010-05-19T09:33:30.231-04:00A lot of great action and dialog. I think it just ...A lot of great action and dialog. I think it just needs some beats. What is the narrator thinking behind her words? What thoughts are provoked by her friends words?<br />In just 250 words we already get a great sense of character and voice. I'd keep reading.Lacey J Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17930985573303127061noreply@blogger.com