tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2951906828147098221..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round Two #12Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47996053077166540432013-10-15T21:43:21.637-04:002013-10-15T21:43:21.637-04:00I wish I had more to add, but Holly is spot on. We...I wish I had more to add, but Holly is spot on. We absolutely need to know what sky-eyes are. Good luck!Renahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02767762370997304308noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80423387329737642992013-10-15T18:28:51.284-04:002013-10-15T18:28:51.284-04:00Loglines for fantasy are always tough but you real...Loglines for fantasy are always tough but you really need to define or explain "sky-eye" curse or we won't understand what this means or why she needs to escape it. Also, if she is born with it, then what incites her to leave NOW? And where is she going? Escaping is kind of a vague goal. Finally, the last part of this is too vague. What happens to make this plot over? It's rarely just a realization (that is usually the end of the inner arc, not the outer one).<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36150985905835315542013-10-15T14:16:56.803-04:002013-10-15T14:16:56.803-04:00Yeah, a little on the vague side. At the very leas...Yeah, a little on the vague side. At the very least I think "sky-eye curse" nees to be defined. Also, the word curse shows up three times and feels repetitive. Maybe find a way to drop the middle occurrence? Love the last line though, i.e. "she realizes that just because you're cursed doesn't mean you're doomed."wadewhitenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63905237494805422022013-10-15T12:28:14.273-04:002013-10-15T12:28:14.273-04:00I agree. This pitch is too vague. The title is int...I agree. This pitch is too vague. The title is intriguing. I'd need more, think opening conflict, the obstacle and the quest (thanks to Nathan Bradford for this). Here's his idea: When OPENING CONFLICT happens to MAIN CHARACTER(S), he/she/they have to OVERCOME CONFLICT in order to COMPLETE QUEST.<br /> Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88591413359334371422013-10-15T12:27:41.854-04:002013-10-15T12:27:41.854-04:00Yeah i'd also like more specifics, because rig...Yeah i'd also like more specifics, because right now it just sounds like "a girl is cursed, but has a fun adventure trying to stop it". There's not much tension or conflictSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65612470959323543522013-10-15T11:58:17.223-04:002013-10-15T11:58:17.223-04:00I understand that you may not want to give too muc...I understand that you may not want to give too much away, but "sky-eye curse" is a little vague for me too. Is it just that she has blue eyes, or does she see visions or can see far away...or what? Why does that mean her death? Can she see her own death? Do others want to kill/entrap her for it? I like what Jamie suggested for the action bit of the logline.<br /><br />Best of luck...sounds like a fun tale!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14324491231695823916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25285542981691888552013-10-15T09:02:38.996-04:002013-10-15T09:02:38.996-04:00This sounds like it could be a really cool story b...This sounds like it could be a really cool story but I think you are being too vague in your pitch. <br /><br />What is it about the curse that dooms her to death?<br /><br />The second line sounds more like a theme than a pitch. I'd spin it around a bit and also include what is that she thinks she needs to do to conquer the curse.<br /><br />Something like Setting out to break the curse, she hops between island fighting pirates to do X (X being how she thinks she needs to break the curse)Jamie Krakoverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16808802721340647047noreply@blogger.com