tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post2983165682169247354..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #23Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28595178604494307632015-09-26T19:12:18.380-04:002015-09-26T19:12:18.380-04:00I’d cut the first sentence. You go on to show us h...I’d cut the first sentence. You go on to show us how cold it is, so there’s no need to tell us, too. And the showing works better than the telling.<br /><br />The encroaching shudder and chill – perhaps replace this with something else. The cold isn’t encroaching. You’ve just told us it has settled in. And ‘shudder’, I think, doesn’t work well as a synonym for cold, and you’ve just used chilling in the first sentence of the parg.<br /><br />If the rats are outside the walls, ‘trying’ to break into the city, it means they aren’t in the city, so how is Raisa, who is in the city, eating them and getting fat? If a cat can get out, the rats can get in.<br /><br />And I wondered why the army of the dead was freezing them out, rather than something else. Is there a reason for the cold, or is it just the scenario you picked out of many? And the army of the dead is mentioned and then forgotten, as if they’re more of a nuisance than a major problem. Perhaps make more of them. Perhaps tell us why they are there?<br />Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32046830861598299032015-09-25T20:47:51.885-04:002015-09-25T20:47:51.885-04:00Watch your repetitions of ‘cold’ throughout. There...Watch your repetitions of ‘cold’ throughout. There are so many other synonyms that you could use that would lend to even more atmosphere in your writing. There are a few cliches… I’d love for a talking cat to not be black for once, but that’s a personal preference. There’s a lot of great world building here in such a short period of time, leaving me wanting to know more. The idea of cold coming from the army of dead around them and the personality we get from Raisa are fantastic and definitely lead to wanting more. Nicely done!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43735309513689021712015-09-24T20:30:40.939-04:002015-09-24T20:30:40.939-04:00My first thought was, "Shouldn't it be &q...My first thought was, "Shouldn't it be "bitter cold"?" Besides that, I have no comments. I'm intrigued by the few worldbuilding tidbits you've thrown us, but not confused. I like the description of the cold, and I'd be interested to see where Olga takes me as a character.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66128598593800598522015-09-24T07:30:24.304-04:002015-09-24T07:30:24.304-04:00Olga is a great character and I'm very intrigu...Olga is a great character and I'm very intrigued about her special qualities and her journey.<br /><br />Love the talking cat too.<br /><br />I actually liked the first line. It gave me a sense of the setting and I thought that the cold was an important element.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48395691802372761902015-09-23T20:54:07.652-04:002015-09-23T20:54:07.652-04:00This is very captivating. I agree that your first ...This is very captivating. I agree that your first line is passive. I'd get rid of the first paragraph and start with the unnatural cold. That's where you drew me in. I want to know more about the dead bodies ringing the city.Dana Nhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10359138566443283079noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23544201688480883882015-09-23T17:08:21.491-04:002015-09-23T17:08:21.491-04:00Love your descriptions, and how they are integrate...Love your descriptions, and how they are integrated into the story. And also Raisa's personality comes through in lines like "Raisa knew her stride so well that he never tripped her...unless he meant to." <br /><br />Very intriguing work. Excellent!DLGardnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17186850765382086521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30123180592778247482015-09-23T13:54:49.388-04:002015-09-23T13:54:49.388-04:00I love the talking cat! I am immediately intrigued...I love the talking cat! I am immediately intrigued and would definitely read more.Great voice in this piece. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00107864745589266980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54574051230177107942015-09-23T13:53:06.843-04:002015-09-23T13:53:06.843-04:00I love this! Strong characters, clean writing, and...I love this! Strong characters, clean writing, and the conflict is right on the page. Delightful.<br /><br />My only quibble is the passive voice in that first line. It's just not as strong as what follows. I'd get out a piece of paper and try reworking that line until it crackles.<br /><br />I would definitely read more. Good luck!Amy Mhttp://parkinglotconfessional.comnoreply@blogger.com