tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3183887704858685525..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #16Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61423702160549701372011-02-04T00:31:55.505-05:002011-02-04T00:31:55.505-05:00The punctuation issues are a little distracting an...The punctuation issues are a little distracting and the tense switch is definitely throwing me out of the story.<br /><br />I love the direct action your character takes. <br /><br />I'd recommend breaking up the last sentence into several shorter sentence to help keep the actions clear and the pacing tight.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38105958346190174352011-02-03T15:52:15.677-05:002011-02-03T15:52:15.677-05:00Several things seemed off to me here. “I nearly wh...Several things seemed off to me here. “I nearly whisper out.” What does that mean?<br /><br />“Turning his piercing hazel eyes back on mine,” this only works if she has piercing hazel eyes, too.<br /><br />Missing commas here and there. I know it’s small, but the omission brings the reader out of the scene.<br /><br />I’d also rework the last sentence. Maybe make it two or three new ones.Chris P.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77608856173286660332011-02-03T09:21:45.926-05:002011-02-03T09:21:45.926-05:00I'd have to agree with S. Kyle.
Break it up ...I'd have to agree with S. Kyle. <br /><br />Break it up a bit for more excitement. Barbara also made a few valid points.<br /><br />The voice is good. With a bit of tweaking it could be much better.Michael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89450212656294394612011-02-02T17:00:36.824-05:002011-02-02T17:00:36.824-05:00I like the tension here, and am sure that there is...I like the tension here, and am sure that there is more explanation behind why she's kissing this guy, and why she needed some liquid courage to do it. The guts it takes for someone to kiss a guy right in front of a girl who is staring daggers at her is pretty awesome.<br /><br />Still, these lines are just so, so long to me. Halfway through them, I forget what's going on. For example:<br /><br />And with that signal of permission and perhaps the liquor that was streaming through me, I reached out and wrapped my hand around the back of his neck running my fingers through his curly red hair, pulling his face down to meet mine as I leaned up on my tippy toes and kissed him with everything I had.<br /><br />That's one sentence. Wow. It could be several. Short sentences are not only clearer, they also advance the action in a moment like this. This is a "she grabs his neck and kisses" him moment. That's swift. It needs to feel swift when we read it, and right now, it doesn't.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00551007849945853798noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69546328656602355962011-02-02T16:39:51.953-05:002011-02-02T16:39:51.953-05:00This didn't work for me. Writing- wise, you&#...This didn't work for me. Writing- wise, you're drifting between past tense and present tense. Pick one and stick with it.<br /><br />It should be intruded INTO my personal space<br />supposeD<br />If she 'nearly' whispered, then she didn't actually whisper, so what was it she did?<br />If she has to stand on her tippy toes to kiss him, how is it that his breath is grazing on her neck? Wouldn't it hit her face long before it reached her neck?<br /><br />These are all little things that can be fixed easily, but when there are so many in such a short piece, it often discourages people from reading on. Make sure what you write is actually what you mean.<br /><br />Story-wise, I didn't think it worked because I don't know the motivation behind the kiss, and that may be due to the fact that I'm dropping in in the middle of the scene. Still, she starts out down and insecure (Are you sure you're supposed to be talking to me) and then starts making out with the guy out of the blue, a total change in attitude. Perhaps add a line somewhere that says why her attitude suddenly changes. Why does she do this?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46227029506496698652011-02-02T13:55:17.854-05:002011-02-02T13:55:17.854-05:00I stumble on the line... "Are you sure you...I stumble on the line... "Are you sure you're suppose to be talking to me?" I nearly whisper out.<br /><br />I think it should say "I whisper". The "nearly whisper out" doesn't make sense to me.Adrienne Barrhttp://www.adriennebarr.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43870901544662172432011-02-02T12:50:32.921-05:002011-02-02T12:50:32.921-05:00LOL, one reason I don't drink. I loved all of ...LOL, one reason I don't drink. I loved all of this and my only comment is "holy long last sentence Batman." It works though.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60897723478869764452011-02-02T12:50:27.758-05:002011-02-02T12:50:27.758-05:00Not sure about piercing hazel eyes. I always thin...Not sure about piercing hazel eyes. I always think describing someone's eyes is a bit overdone (I think there was an article on this in the last SCBWI mag). <br /><br />I like the MC's voice. Shows she's a sassy pants.Sharonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89830664120658384082011-02-02T12:30:32.131-05:002011-02-02T12:30:32.131-05:00ooh, those German liqueurs, get you every time. I ...ooh, those German liqueurs, get you every time. I bet her mouth tastes terrific to him.kaureliusnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-140466291279468162011-02-02T12:04:47.513-05:002011-02-02T12:04:47.513-05:00Like her directness, especially against her feelin...Like her directness, especially against her feeling down over her failed love life.Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03263043246347529228noreply@blogger.com